Day 31 The Hot Month Winds Down Cooly...

A very hot month. Handled an awful lot of stuff in the past 31 days...people, tears and laughter, walking and sitting and falling and visiting the chiropractor, good eating and bad eating, not enough sleep, a writing job in the afternoon, incredible heat and a new air conditioner, jeans fitting and then feeling tight again, hydration, not enough hydration, too much wine and too much anxiety, junk food and vegetables and fresh fruits from the public market, joy and sorrow, hope and fear, flip flops and heels, linen and polyester, sugar cookies and skim milk, chocolate milk and low fat yogurt...I will never be a purist...I will never be skinny (which is a good thing)...I can never be arrogant about food...I should be very careful about giving advice...I am blessed with family, loved ones and dear friends who have my back...blessing and struggling...they seem to go hand in hand...always blessed and always struggling and happy...God bless the waning month of July. Onward into the rested month of August.

Day 30 Outta My Way!

Stella Dora...get thee behind me!

Day 29 Fellowship And Food

The summer job has ended and I feel free and fancy and lovely. Went out to dinner with a lovely person. Conversation was wonderful and I am full of strong, black coffee...shall be awake for quite awhile...well worth it. Beginning to feel back on track after a few minor derailments with food and a few lapses away from the world of exercise. But back on track...two more days in the month...new plans for August and a renewed sense of purpose...

Day 28 48 Years And Counting...

Happy 48th anniversary to my loving parents! 48 years of love and diapers, chocolate and wilted plants, three offspring and never-ending drama, love and dinners out, money, money, money and love...Christmas Eve dinners and politics, church and carb-laden church suppers...love, love, love...Valentine's Day cards and roses...love and affection and food and food and food...and love and coffee and bear claws and boxes of doughnuts hidden in the sock drawer...and chocolate covered cherries and love and love and laughter...and flat tires and contact lenses and piano music and cream-laced coffee and love and love and suddenly...48 years...God is good...all the time...love, food...love.

Day 27 Surrounded By Food...

I seem to be drowning in a plethora of food...abundance everywhere...snacks at work...a fridge full of "stuff"...a friend taking me out to dinner...she ordered our food and then before I could blink, she had ordered an extra cup of french onion soup for me...yikes, slow it down Madge! Was there any handle on the day? Yes...I stopped eating at 7:30...there was no alcohol today and I ate slowly, savoring each bite...a lot of good conversation and plenty of water...have the morning free tomorrow to do a lot of walking...the jeans still fit, the jeans still fit, the jeans still fit...

Day 26 Days Of Wine And Roses...

Too much wine...no roses...not enough sleep...muggy weather...too tired of this particular summer job...feeling bloated and air-tight sealed into these jeans...blah...time to give up and go to bed...blah...not at all like the movies...

Day 25 Sunday In The Park..

There was no park today...but I felt rested in my soul after a very long and crazy week...sorry to say that the scale moved up some, but I am simply going back to the truth that I have learned...put food in its proper place...look deeply at why you are abusing food...what is it I am hiding from? What do I not have that I am pretending food is? What triggers these lapses back into old unwanted behaviors? What will keep me from doing it again? I think I know some of the answers...one is that I cannot go for days in a row with minimal sleep...no matter the social occasion, I have to have some boundaries...the rapid downhill slide is never worth it. The rest? Well, God and time will reveal all...the day tomorrow is simpler...the walking will be healing. The time out with one of my students will stretch me and there will also be a deep sense of "doing the right thing"...balance will be found again tomorrow...tomorrow with all the choices keeps circling around every blessed 24hours...

Day 24 Back In The Saddle...

Walked two hours this afternoon...mostly in the rain. As I started to walk and felt the drops getting heavier gradually...I made a decision to absorb it all...to take it in...truly, what does it matter if every last inch of me is soaking wet? It is similar to being in the bathtub...where I get some of my best thinking done, truth be told...so, I decided to do my grocery shopping after coming in out of the rain. No one seemed to notice at all. It was a cleansing exerience...got home and faced off with a rather strange male neighbor who wanted to chit chat and who wanted to let me know that (if I didn't mind him saying so)...all that walking was really paying off...recommended Yoga for my back trouble...and then we said goodbye...he makes me nervous...slightly odd...but it is always nice to have someone recognize the weight loss...safely at home again, tucked away and awaiting a visit from my sister...my wonderful friend and a part of my soul. She has been such a gift to me and such a source of encouragement...talking and fellowship always, always replaces any pleasure which food may offer. God is good..always patient, always waiting for my return...to a spirit of obedience and loyalty...sail on.

Day 23 Weird Day...

I suppose we all have them...these weird days. Mine happen when I have not had enough rest. In the last week, I have been up every night until 2 or 3 a.m. The result? I have spent the last 24 hours in a complete fog...fuzzy in the head, yet weirdly determined not to lose it...so I actually walked a total of 3 hours today...all in a strange cotton puff cloud...but I did it. Tried to take a nap this afternoon...didn't really take...ate weird combinations of food...almost as if my body was desperately searching for strength in all the wrong places...pistachio ice cream is absolutely not the place...trust me...left me with gurgling intestines. Nuff said...have taken a hot bath...overdid it with the muscle rub and had to climb back into the tub to get it off...burning instead of soothing is not the goal...weird day...headed off to bed...and by the way, the jeans still fit...a good sign! Will start again tomorrow...tomorrow always comes, thank God.

Day 22 Get Ready, Starch, Go!

There is always a slight calm...after the storm. Yesterday, I slithered into a pair of jeans...a pair which has denied me access for almost 8 months...and yet, yesterday I won. I won! I won! Today, due to excessive exhaustion and my dear friend heading back to NYC...and a steady stream of still unanswered questions...I ate a little more starch than usual. I had a large bagel and a full packet of cream cheese and one pumpkin pancake at brunch...I had two breadsticks and roasted potatoes during the dinner time...then three pieces of chocolate and a bit of vino...ah yes, food soothes the soul and makes up for all the drama endured during the day. Tomorrow is a fresh start...always a fresh start...I shall scoop up my emotions and pack them carefully away in a drawer, "gird up my loins" as it were...and start over. By the way, those slithery jeans still fit!

Day 21 Jeans, Jeans, Jeans!

An incredibly satisfying day! On a whim, I gave a sideways glance at myself in the full-length mirror and was startled at how thin I appeared. I turned this way and that. I marveled at my body change for about 30 seconds and then thought about two pairs of new LL Bean jeans which have been hanging in my closet since Christmas. They did not fit in December. They were not even close...I could not even pull them three-quarters of the way up my thighs...so with a little bit of courage, I pulled one pair out of the closet. I could not believe it...they fit. They fit. They fit. They fit. And that is all I have to say about today! I celebrated with a plate of leftover Chinese food and a glass of white wine at midnight...back on the wagon (or whatever) tomorrow...in my jeans, no matter what.

Day 20 The Merry Go Round...

A quiet summer evening...feeling the relaxation seep and drip over me as the lanquid days drone on...delicious. Headed north to the lake at sundown with close friends. Had an amazing hamburger at a local restaurant. Rode the refurbished merry-go-round...an easy "happy" for a buck...sat in the brightly painted green princess chair and closed my eyes and my mind and rode around and around...chatting happily. We ended the ride and walked along the pier, admiring the sand and the sailboats. The evening ended with a sing along at a local music school...a new experience for me...and a late night at a coffee shop...still chatting away long into the night...I have a headache and I need more rest, but the summer is healing...my health, both physically and emotionally is profoundly better...my friendships are deeper and more meaningful...the night and summer are still young...breezes and white wines and laughter and joy and prayers and sand and lake air with steaming hot hamburgers...the living is easy.

Day 19 Along The Canal...

A summer evening along the canal...a college friend, true to me for the last 28 years...a shared and intimate meal of appetizers and martinis and long overdue chit chat and intimacy...long honed fellowship and love and affection and tears and laughter...wishes for joy and future happiness and a well lived life...snacking in the evening...my two favorite food groups ...salt and sugar...with a twist of alcohol...my third favorite food group...shame on me, but joy in the evening with a friend who I hope is mine for a lifetime...

Day 18 Java On A Sunday...

A cup of strong black coffee and a rocky road brownie...later in the evening on a Sunday night...not such a great idea...as it is now past 3 a.m. and I am still awake...but the fellowship was great and the intense sugar killed my appetite for anything else...good night, I hope.

Day 17 It's In The Air...

Hope...affection...an air thickened with emotion and happiness...changes everything...absolutely no appetite today...for food, that is.

Day 16 Celebrating From A Distance...

Happy 8th Birthday to my favorite little nephew...called him and discovered that he was eating a traditional Irish breakfast for his special day...lots of heavy comfort food...a habit he picked up in Ireland. I think it was a lovely tribute to our Irish roots...so glad that we do not eat that way every day...or at least any more! Thought about how slender and active my little man is...a soccer and baseball lover...a player with trains and bats and balls...and a little man with a rabid sweet tooth...so, watch out there...little man, as you begin your new year...hang on to the older ways...sifting through the good and bad...and avoid the silliness of what our culture offers you...a bite of ice cream and a lick of chocolate and top o' the morning to you, my dear.

Day 15 Keep On Moving...

I have now lost 37.5 pounds...couldn't do my full walking workout this evening because I agreed to take a cooling down dip in the pool of a good friend. Yes, I was able to give up "the schedule"...practically Gospel, in my mind...for a social event. I did make sure that I did an awful lot of kicking and flopping around in the pool to work my legs and arms. I also did an incredible amount of listening. All good. Good for the mind, body and social soul...and the scale showed the results this morning...keep on slugging it out!

Day 14 A Midsummer Night's Dream...

A visit to the chiropractor...walked two hours and chatted with friends...considered the fact that I feel profoundly lonely this evening. Counted my blessings...will make more calls and am so glad that I have so many friends and family...

A dream...squeezed in between heat, stress, good books, slippery sidewalks, and people who mean well but who talk way too much...my dream?...love and a quiet evening with meaning and depth...caring and silence in my head...and a release from the world heaviness which I feel so much these days...remain so thankful that I seem to have finally digested (yes, I did use that term)...the truth that no substance and no human being reaches that final corner of loneliness which lies within us all...

Day 13 The Heat Is On...

Weather has swung back into the heat zone...the air is wet and thick and all around exhausting. Spent too much time after work looking for an air conditioner unit and then realized that I had not measured my window into which the said unit needs to fit. Still hot...no success. Came home and in a fit of frustration over being tired, hot and irritated and experiencing an unexpected skin outbreak...I raided the fridge. I did not do too badly and in five minutes I am heading out to get in a good walk...but it was a bleak reminder (again), that I can always lose it...(not weight but the struggle!). Again. Still hot...no success. Shutting down at this point...head for the sneakers and the sock drawer. Out the door...still hot...no success...try tomorrow.

Day 12 Sleep Well, Little Faithful Feet...

Two hours of walking...the body heals...the mind clears...prayers uttered...faithful little delicate feet with a fresh pedicure painted on as my token of gifting...thank you for keeping me moving. Thank you for hundreds of stairs climbed...thousands of twists and turns...the occasional reminder of your status with a sprained ankle...the dance steps on the dance floor...sailing away into the night...thank you feet...rest quietly tonight...thank you for helping me lessen your burden by toughing it out with me as the weight comes off.

Day 11 Sometimes It Is Better To Pretend That We All Like Each Other

A little affection...an extra caring effort...good conversation...sunshine and lots of talking and really good food...always, always, the fellowship trumps the power of the food.

Some of the best blog titles come from friends. Today's title reminds us of work craziness and the games that everyone is forced to play...where is that balance?...who knows after all...but seek out the good relationships, don't play games, be genuine and real...enjoy that beef brisket (in smaller portions!) and pretend to like the people we don't. It keeps civilization going. So does brisket...

Day 10 Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone...

Another socially swamped day...full to the brim with friends and activities...I am truly blessed and hopeful. Attended a philharmonic pops concert in the evening...was really wired after all the events of the day...and then, and then...the most beautiful jazzed up and mellowed down rendition of Bill Wither's "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone", performed by New York Singers and the local philharmonic...painfully wafting over me, driving my thoughts to distraction...I melted all over...full of emotions and exhaustion and I am tired and impatient and worn out...yet I carry on, almost too tired to crawl into bed...wanting to overeat to counter all the stuff in my head...but no...

Day 9 Patience...

Patience...don't have it...don't want it...don't like it...apparently God knows I need it.

Rained like drumbeats this afternoon, breaking the thick wall of wet heat which has covered me for the past four days...blessed relief. Wet and slippery and dangerous flip flopping through the parking lot...walking like an old woman...swinging her purse.

Socialized the entire day...minimal food intake...still not wanting much because of heat and thick air and emotions. Compliments from friends over the 36 pound loss.

Fans on this evening, trying to suck in some cooler air through the window...the apartment at one point was close to the 100 degree mark but has now slipped down to an acceptable 80...let it rain...cool me down...Lord, grant me patience NOW.

Day 8 And Counting...

36 pounds...and that is all I have to say...

Day 7 Shimmering...

Hot, hotty, hotter...sweat, sweater (absolutely not), sweaty...water, water, watery...a liquid day in every way. Liquids...all I drank and ate, all I wore, all I sweat...splash. Looking toward the horizon...hoping for a future cool breeze.

Day 6 The Heat Is On...

Hit 95 degrees today...and the air was thicker than soup...the kind of air which does not reach the bottom of the lungs because it is too hot...didn't bother me really...I practice simply "accepting the heat"...a trick learned from long, incredibly hot childhood days spent during summers in the Dakotas...white, shimmering prairie heat...stone and wheat and hot wind...lots of milk shakes and sodas, steaks and homemade doughnuts.

Thought about walking this evening, but I gave up. Lots of water...a cool bath and a quiet night. I will spend the next two days drinking liquids because excessive heat is predicted. The body does well with lots and lots of nutritious liquids...and walking and quiet joy. Fruits, yogurt drinks, vitamins, clear water...walking and walking and sweating and cleansing.

Day 5 The Day After...In Front Of The Fridge...

Another day of walking in the heat...excessive heat...but for every sweaty step I take, I think of two things. I am cold all winter and spring long and I cherish and accept the warmth that surges through every last inch of my body. I am warm. Hooray! I have the ability to walk. So many people do not, and so I trudge on...simply because I can. I should. I will. I do. Every step is a victory...a raised fist against the mind cramping "I can't"...

Standing in front of the fridge...the coolness feels good...but only for several seconds. Step back and absorb the warmth again. I look at the food on the shelves. Fresh fruit, skim milk and yogurts and lean meats and good breads...all good...so why do I want a frozen pizza, a bag of chips and anything chocolate?...human nature, apparently...choose what is not necessarily the best for me...everyone has been there. Close the door, close your mouth, choose the better.

Day 4 Home Again...Home Again...

The reunion has ended...scale says more weight has been shed...nothing short of amazing...took time to enjoy the people more than the food...absolutely worth it. Joy in the morning. Sparkly, brilliant sky bursting at the seems with fireworks...blues and soft cloud reds in the evening. Home again...

Day 3 Saturday Irish Bonding

Another family luncheon with more relatives. Meeting at Beef O'Brady's...the whole Irish/German clan together...good discussions with cousins and connecting at a deeper and more meaningful level. Babies jostled from hip to hip and passed from arms to shoulders and neck...soft, marshmallow baby skin...milky smell...laughter over observed family dysfunction and perceived dysfunction...expectations...perceived and real...struggles and resolved angers and new griefs, joys and hopes...delicious food and waves of emotion and energy passing back and forth over the long table...clanking cups and silverware...smiles and many tears and again, joy. Water and napkins on the floor...empty plates and a sleeping baby...joy and more tears in the sunshine...quiet.

Day 2 Friday State Of Mind

Hot weather on Ohio time. Family luncheon with a cool breeze under a tent and lots and lots of sunshine. Re-connecting with family members we almost lost in the past year. Thankful prayers and good food...shared in a relaxed and loving atmosphere. People have softened. Tempers did not flare as in the past. Food was eaten slowly, carefully and with joy...fellowship. Quiet sun.

Day 1 Taking Time Along The Winding Road...

The first day of a new month...a more low-key summer month...a month of varied breezes, heat waves, storms, rains, steams and cool-downs...a month to purge. This is a month to rise early, unpressured and calm while walking along the road...observing the first waves of heat-soaked dew rise off the fields...the steaming puddles pooled at the corners of the tarred cements chunks...waiting to be scorched and vaporized back into orange sky. This month settles in like a cool drink and a warm blanket...enveloping my mind as I rest and exercise and take time out to talk and listen...really listen to the people in my life.

I attempted to get a thirty minute walk in just before lunch. It took me more than twice as long because I was stopped twice along the way by good people who wanted to catch up...to chat...to re-connect. I gave up the "goal"..the "plan"...and allowed myself to be human. Sounds funny that I might have to make a conscious effort to let go that way...but our culture urges us ever forward...no time for reflection...no time for quiet thought...no time to iron out the brain folds which lie crinkled, crunched and raggedy at the base of my soul. I have been such a part of that mindset and I don't want to be part of it anymore. My eating, my exercise, the condition of my soul and spirit, the condition of my body...all change and bend toward the better as I allow myself to breathe...really breathe. Along the walk, I entered a grove...a green avenue of lush trees, wet swampy lands with piles of pine needle brush, sunlight seeping through the tree tops...overturned logs, the caw of a huge blackbird and the rustle of small animal life under the ground. Except for my footsteps sounding, I was silent. I was the interloper. I had entered green silence, wet and cool...and I was the better for it.

Day 30 The Month Winds Gently Down...

Last day of June. A family reunion over the next few days, fast approaching. I look forward to being with my family. Family is also that dangerous place where "everyone knows your name"...and everything else about you...strengths, weaknesses and struggles...and failures. Family often feels entitled to bring up those failings and sore points...the cost of doing business with people who really know you and love you just the same. Family can also be way out of line, treading over sacred boundaries...places where angels step lightly and blundering humans do just the opposite...blundering and harming. In the past, large family get togethers have caused weird combinations in my spirit of pain, joy, grief, laughter, insecurity and safety...often leading to bouts of overeating (or coping, as I have called it). Not this year. I have come a long way emotionally and spiritually in the last few months...thank God. With grace, I will do more than cope...I shall triumph...loving and choosing to overlook the "mistakes"...picking my food carefully, knowing full well that I can't pick my family...growing up, slimming down, opening my heart and shutting my mouth.

Day 29 Goodbye Mr. Chips...And I'm Serious...

There are some foods that no longer need to be part of my life...ever again. I shudder inwardly when I declare absolutes with food because I always want to have some sort of a backup. That last sentence makes me realize how emotionally dependent I still am on food...always gotta have a back up plan...always some treat stashed away somewhere in case...in case of what? In case of famine? In case of a seige by foreign troops around my city? In case of a new version of the Irish potato famine? What is my fear and how in the world did I develop such a mis-balanced view toward food? Have I ever been close to starvation? Has there ever been a time when it was impossible to find some sort of food somewhere to stuff in my mouth? Is this some sort of weird cell memory bleeding over from the experiences of my immigrant relatives? I have lived a life of affluence...not because of anything I have done to deserve it...but there has always been enough food.

I need a whole new mind set. I am still working on figuring this all out...but I stood in my kitchen last night and snacked on potato chips and thought..."this, I can let go"...potato chips and french fries are foods which make me feel gross...greasy, messy...they make me nervous about my skin...cause me anxiety because I know I have no idea how many calories I am eating...and, (here is the really good news), once I stop eating them...I no longer crave them. So...one day at a time, one pound at a time, one food at a time...goodbye to chips and fries...nice knowing you...

Day 28 Seizing The Summer

It always takes a little time to unwind from the stresses of the school year. I wake up, as I did today...on the first Monday after the first weekend off...and I discover that my high speed rinse cycle is still on high spin. I even had the alarm set. Funny thing is that even though I had the alarm set, it was on mute...I use my cell phone for an alarm. So I do experience a gradual wind down...but it can be slow. Maybe tomorrow I won't set the alarm. Maybe. It makes me a little nervous when I lose all my structure at once. Makes me wonder about retirement...but that is borrowing trouble...a conversation for another day.

Spent some time doing toning exercises. Walked a full three hours...not all at once...but in chunks...thought about the mental energy it takes to allow myself to get better. Getting better...putting in the time needed to be alone, to heal emotionally, to take time for myself...the time I need to take to nurture others in order not to fall off the face of the earth...the time needed for personal expression through writing...the time required for intimacy and friendship and emotional connection...seize this summer, seize this day, seize this hour and this experience and this emotion...

Day 27 Sunday Lollygag

Threw aside the best laid plans of mice and women today...and enjoyed the Sunday slow-down. Attended church, which was refreshing. Connected with a girlfriend and drove to a beautiful local restaurant in the middle of a gorgeous state park and joined my parents for dinner. We looked at the waterfalls and spent time driving around. I felt my list of plans fading away as we drove through the lush green. I let them all go with a sigh.

I ate carefully during the day. I enjoyed the company and fellowship of family and friends. I purchased ice cream when I came home. I enjoyed the summer rain in the evening. I rested mentally. Lollygag away...

Day 26 Summertime...And The Living Is Easy...

Slept in like a drugged baby this morning...so delicious, so lovely, so needed. Read a lot in bed. Reading is so much more satisfying when I know I do not have to rush off to work. Headed off for a much needed hour-long massage. This was followed by a long lunch with two friends...two people who are unique, independent, fiercely loyal, kind...and also slightly odd. If I waved the "normal" wand over all my friends...I would not be keeping many of them...and I would be the lesser person for that exclusion. These two friends have brought great joy, support and honesty to my life...God bless them. I drove home, thanking God for all the excellent people he has placed in my life. I put on fresh socks, sneakers...grabbed my IPOD and my house keys and headed out into the warm air for a...are you ready?...a three hour walk! I enjoyed it profoundly...such power and joy when I know I can stride strongly through the city, head held high...with no pain, no struggle, no doubt...knowing that it is indeed all worth it...the healing of joy surges through me today. Head thrown back...enjoying the music, the sun, the pound of the pavement...love and hope.

Day 25 Beddy Bye

Bed is where I need to be right now. It is where I should have been several hours ago. It was a full day. I drank 18 cups of water and two additional liters of water. Apparently I needed to be hydrated. I have had a lot of trouble with food in the last couple of weeks. I felt blah for quite a bit of the time. I feel better now. I am done, hydrated and exhausted...off to bed.

Day 24 Tears Streaming

School is done. The kids are gone. It is time for personal change, healing and peace of mind. One of my most difficult sixth grade boys walked up to me at the bus loop with tears streaming down his face and gave me a long hug. I was moved and surprised. It made my day. The drag of it all (the whole blasted year) washed away in an instant. Let the summer commence.

Day 23 Letting A Wounded Person Go

Another school year has wound down to an end...always glad to see it go because each year brings a series of good and bad, up and down, sad and happy, success and failure. It is time to tuck it all away...and begin to rest.

This year has been a particularly pressing year of social and spiritual growth...at times it has been profoundly difficult and at times it has been a quick and painless slide into the next waiting lesson. There has been one familiar strand, winding its way throughout the warp and woof...a seriously wounded friend...hanging on around the edges, trying to work his way back into the past...refusing to change when I changed and grew and moved on. The lesson of walking away from someone who will not change, get better, listen to reason...or take responsibility, has made me feel disloyal and mean-spirited. Those negative feelings compromised my physical and emotional health at multiple levels...but no more.

I heard today that he put in for a transfer...with grace and healing providence, he will be elsewhere in the Fall. I can no longer help him or extend a hand to a wounded spirit which runs and twists and pulls away from healing...God help him. I cannot. I continue to grow, to heal, to change...as must he...and so I let him go with God's blessing and wishes for a better life...and I go on...to better things...with not a mean-spirited bone in my body.

Day 22 Enough!

Enough already...enough of starting the morning out with an ungrateful and grumpy attitude. Enough of thinking that food will solve anything...enough of falling for that lie again. In the last couple of weeks, due to a number of issues...I have once again fooled myself into thinking that food will solve the pain...I have wanted to hide away so many times...to shut down and move back into myself...but that is no way to live. What has drawn me out again and again?...hope...hopes which are unpoken, or only admitted to a discreet few...hoping for hope...increased intimacy with serious praying friends, walking for 2 hours at a stretch...reaching out to children in great need...despite not wanting to (truth be told)...and experiencing the sick feeling when I have overdone it and the gut wrenching body "ping"...knowing again that the chosen drug has failed me. It will always fail me because anything that is given such status is out of wack...nothing material like food can ever reach the deepest corners of my insides...food is just a blanket of bread and salt. Enough.

Day 21 First Day Of Summer

Summer started today and so did I...again. I am learning that I can always start over. Grace is extended into every area of our lives as long as we are willing to accept it and to act on it. Something shifts on the inside and I am not sure how it all works together...but it does. I accepted the Grace extension today and fell right back into line with what I was supposed to do...I do not need to keep re-inventing the wheel...talk less, walk more, eat less, think and pray more, buy less, give more, appreciate one's body more, criticize one's body less...love people more, criticize them less...extend and receive Grace.

Day 20 Father's Day

A kind, loving, faithful, honest and generous Father...how could I ask for anything else in this cold and un-trustworthy world? How many women have suffered profoundly...have made terrible decisions with men, money, substances, children, careers, lifestyles, their bodies and food due to bad Fathering?...probably a lot more than I shall ever know...I have been blessed...blessed beyond what I have ever had a right to claim...now it is my turn...get going. I alone, am now responsible.

Day 19 Swollen Ankles

My ankles are puffy and slightly swollen...was there an ankle twisting incident? Did I stumble over something at home and fall? No...actually they are puffy because I have eaten a lot of salty foods in the last couple of days. Just returned from a 40th birthday party which started at 3pm and it is now 11:30...I just got home about 20 minutes ago. I had a great time and met a lot of new and delightful people. It was a truly joyous day...time well spent. However, there is an awful lot of food which can be imbibed over an 8 hour period. There is a lot of salt which can be swallowed or chewed in that time slot. One's diet can be seriously harmed in a short amount of time. Today is a reminder that I can never get arrogant about having this food thing under control...there is always a circumstance, another social event, another unexpected dinner invitation...another happenstance...I have to be on guard at all times. Sort of discouraging...however, I start over again tomorrow...always a fresh start...always other spices out there besides salt...

Day 18 Delight

Friday. Fun plans. Sunshine. Sister time. Mexican food. Marvelous. Happy. Hopeful.

Day 17 Greek To Me!

The Mediterranean diet...excellent health food...lots of disguised vegetables...got to get you into my life...

Day 16 Chocolate, Sushi And A Whole Lotta Health

Craved salt today...ate sushi, wasabi mustard and peppers...yum and low calorie. Craved sugar today...ate chocolate...not as low calorie but safely within the day's allotment. Went to the chiropractor and thought about how walking used to really bother my knees...no more thanks to weekly treatments. Walked two hours this evening before the rain hit and thought about my cousin in a wheelchair. Whenever I think about being lazy, I remember her and then I decide that I am walking for her...end of story. Drank a whole lotta water...watched a whole lotta French ballet on public television...glad I will never be that gauntly skinny. Someone in the documentary was supposedly "letting go of oneself" by eating an extra helping of semolina or couscous...please.

Phone conversation home...hot bath and good sleep...indeed a solid day.

Day 15 Taking Time

Making a concentrated effort today to take time. Taking time to listen, really listen to the person trying to communicate with me. Taking time to sip my coffee slowly. Taking time to respond carefully to a child. Taking time to chew and really taste my food. Taking the time to get my nails done...and to talk to the woman who is performing this task for me. Taking time to be quiet. I am finding that taking time is, well...it takes time...which requires me to be patient, quiet in my soul and spirit, less rushed, less anxious, less bothered and all around...less. Except for the increased joy.

Day 14 Middle Of The Road Mindset

Blah...but not really. Monday...but felt fairly good...the school year winds down soon. Ate stuff that is not really good for me, but did not really over-eat...blah...but not really. Got a lot done today...but was really on auto-pilot. My emotions were middle of the road...not really up nor down, and frankly...it was a relief. Too much energy put into things I cannot control is exhausting and a bad place to land and stay for too long...blah...but not really...just middle of the road. I know what I need to do in every area of my life...now that is not middle of the road no matter how one slices it...food puns...gotta love it. It is a relief to know what I should do EVEN if I do not yet see the longterm outcome...not blah...but not over-stressed or freaked out...sticking with mediocre for this evening...just hanging on lightly with direction. I can live with it.

Day 13 Resting Despite...

It is Sunday and I am resting...despite the oil spill in the gulf. I am resting despite a slight weight gain due to too many birthday celebrations. What am I going to do?...not celebrate my friends and family? I am resting despite the fact that our state government (a pox on their households!)...will probably shut down the state tomorrow because the budget is 2 and 1/2 months late. I am resting despite the fact that as of yet, there are unanswered questions to big issues in my life. The answers and guidance and leading will come. Resting encourages patience and I need that virtue. I am resting despite the fact that I just ate two mini bags of chips...blame it on PMS (which will go away) and I can always start over tomorrow. I am resting because there are only two more weeks of school and then I enter a wonderful time of summer which means soul, mind and body refreshment...thank you God. I am resting because I have divine permission to do so...and so I will...and I do. Rest.

Day 12 Simplicity

Sleeping. Walking. Praying. Shopping. Washing. Eating. Friending. Watching. Phoning. Writing. Reading. Sleeping. Simplify...trying.

Day 11 Material-Physical-Spiritual

Material...chocolate mousse at my Mom's birthday celebration. Physical...the lake, the sunshine, the tour of Rose Hill Mansion. Spiritual...family laughter. Material...a really good cheeseburger. Physical...driving through the EZ-pass lane by mistake...oops. Spiritual...taking deep breaths to avoid panic. Material...dark chocolate and pecans. Physical...a two hour walk. Spiritual...prayer. Material...the IPOD, the bumpy sidewalk, the phone and my house keys. Physical...hot bath with cranberry soap. Spiritual...quiet rest in fresh sheets...peace and prayerful sleep. Day is done...

Day 10 Walking-Thinking

Thank God that I can walk. Walking and thinking continue to provide mental-emotional salvation for me. I took a student out for dinner this evening. I was happy to do it, but felt profoundly discouraged and yes, even depressed as I dropped her off at her home. What will become of her? She is bearing more at the tender age of 12 than I have ever experienced. I drove home, slowly.

As I pulled into the driveway, I realized I had a choice to make. If I chose to walk I knew my thoughts, emotions, and anxieties would shake themselves out and I would be able to make sense of things. If I chose to sit down in front of the television, I knew I would eat and that I would sink quickly into true despair. I pulled on socks and sneakers. I left my IPOD in the drawer because I knew music would not help. I got moving. Two hours later, I returned home...relieved, settled, tired out and amazed that I had made the better choice. Getting used to being that person who makes the better choice, is still new to me. I embrace it.

Day 9 Wacky Weather Grocery Shopping

The surprisingly cold weather continues. I refused to wear a jacket today, but I saw a lot of people who were bundled up. I just had to hold the line...it is afterall, the ninth of June, for Heaven's sake. I went to the grocery store after work...and upon exiting the store, met up face to face with a sleety, thick soup sort of rain...wind blowing, sky graying, wet soaking my hair, back and groceries as I loaded everything quickly into the car. I even had to pay attention to where I was walking in the parking lot because I almost turned an ankle. Yuck.

I looked at what I had purchased. There was some fruit. There were some vegetables. There was skim this and some low-fat that, however...the bulk of the food in my cart was carb-heavy. I had frozen pizzas, burritos, bagels, chips, chocolate...you get the picture. The man who rang up my groceries agreed with me (and that me feel better)...that it was not fruit and vegetable weather. We decided that it was starch weather...similar to the feel of the thick cornstarchy rain pounding on my back as I exited the store.

Headed to the chiropractor. On my way home, I saw a woman struggling with some profound muscular disorder...she had great difficulty walking and then I witnessed a man who was dwarf-like in stature...working at a local store. I thought about my temporary carb relapse...decided that I would make it work...hook or crook...one can always count calories...but that any complaining about the weather was out...simply out...back to basics. Eat better, keep moving...be thankful.

Day 8 My Life Is Not On Hold

Experienced a powerful revelation this afternoon. It hit me suddenly like a flying brick...my life is not on hold, nor has it ever been on hold. I have waited to take care of myself based on the beginning of the month, the New Year, my birthday, how I felt, how I thought others felt, the exact number of days until...the next party, the next relationship, the next purchase, the next...the next...the next...instead of the now, the now, the now.

This week has been an incredible watershed week for me. I have decided not to isolate myself anymore. I will work diligently to have positive social interaction on a daily basis. My introverted personality, like everyone's personality needs to be reformed, to be matured, newly shaped...just like eating habits.
While I wait for new steps in my life, I will enjoy the life I have today. This seems so very very basic, and yet there is a freedom here which has been missing in my life for a very long time.

It seems to be about letting go of my death grip on life...letting go of my teeth-gritting effort to take control. Somewhere, years ago in my life, I lost control or sensed that control was being taken from me and I have been grasping for it ever since. I released the white-knuckled hold today and life is flowing through me in a new way...

Day 7 Carbohydrate Confusion

The wacky world in which I live (upstate New York)...is filled with weather surprises. I am convinced that weather plays a large role in my eating. Case in point...this past Sunday, the temperature dipped in a huge way. I stepped out of the house in the morning and faced whipping rain, cold temperatures, gray skies and general blah. I stuggled all day with the desire to overeat. I wanted to eat heavy carbohydrates. Even though it was the beginning of June, the thought of fruit, salads and general light eating went out the window. Actually, the window was closed due to the chill. As I type, the temperature is 56 degrees and will be in the low 40's during the evening...I am tired of it. I piled on a sweatshirt and jeans this evening and got out there and walked my two hours. Just do it. Don't think. Can't figure it out. It's cold. I still have to walk and burn calories. Pray for sunshine and get moving.

Day 6 Resting With Determination

Today I am resting...from people...from plans and control...from the world and all the ongoing bad and disappointing news...from expectations (real and imagined)...from counting calories...from me...zzzzz

Day Stumbling Quietly Into The Sacred

An incredibly gorgeous day...wind, sunshine, heat...the only thing missing was the ocean. I attended a lovely wedding at St. Patrick's church in Victor, New York. I sat in the old wooden pew, thinking of the hundreds of services which have taken place there over the years...the sun streaming down through the gold and purple glimmers of the stained glass...through the bottom opened panels...white blossoms, cotton wood, dandilion, pollen fuzz...all swirling around outside in the joy...the heated rays, the purple hope of a fresh June wedding day.

Everyone was cleaned, polished and neatly presented in the church in honor of the special day. I sat there, carefully balanced in pointy chic heels and marveling at the fact that the suit I was wearing fit...after four years of not fitting...I felt clean and polished myself. Why do we take the time on a lovely Saturday afternoon to get all gussied up? We do it because we recognize that committed love between a man and a woman is something to honor...to take the time to get polished up for...it is sacred.

I have not always treated myself as sacred. I have not always been careful about what I put into my body or onto it. I have not honored my body's need for balance, sleep, moderation and temperance. I have pushed and pulled, stuffed and forced and shoved and treated my body and mind in sloppy ways. Today as I sat in lighted purple, amidst the smells of perfume, old wood and furniture polish and candles...I resolved again to treat myself with respect and honor...life is sacred, not sloppy.

Day 4 A New Swagger

Just noticed something in the grocery store parking lot. I have lost 35 lbs. and I am walking differently. I strode out to the car after picking up a low calorie package of shrimp sushi (who knew a packet of wasabi paste was only 15 calories?)...and it suddenly hit me...I was walking differently, somehow...what was it exactly? When 35 lbs. have disappeared...one's body handles the spine, the stride, the pace in a new way. It makes sense...we have all seen people who are morbidly obese sort of waddling from side to side as they struggle to move forward...everything gets in the way...the stomach, the triple chin, the heavy thighs and the bulky chest...all those extra pounds cause the body to move, sway, waddle or walk in unique ways. It took 35 pounds to feel the difference for me. My ankles seem more secure and balanced. My stomach is no longer blocking my path. My waist feels strangely not there and my pace is faster. Of course, I have been walking a lot every day so the stride is automatically stronger and more purposeful.
I tend to sprain my ankles regularly and it will be interesting to see if that stops after my weight loss. I have a new swagger...not cocky really, because I can't ever risk being arrogant...like an alcoholic, I can always fall off the wagon...just keep swaggering with confidence.

Day 3 Red Velvet Cake And A Two Hour Walk

My Father came up to the city today to celebrate his 84th birthday with us. We enjoyed a delicious meal together as a family. Then we walked to Cibon and enjoyed Red Velvet cake, Espresso cake and coffee. I took bites of each and enjoyed the family fellowship. There was no guilt. Thank you God! I came home, popped on my IPOD and headed out into the rain to walk. Two hours later I came home and had a good and very helpful conversation on the phone with my Mom. This weight loss and some deep spiritual healing has vastly improved my relationship with my Mom. I am thankful for this, because I need her advice and support. I have pushed down my need for human support in the past. I am not sure why I did this, but I did it and that is all part of the necessary healing. Let the emotions out. Let needs be known. Let healthy expression happen where it needs to happen. Live life. Heal. Exercise. Once in awhile, eat red velvet cake AND espresso cake! Be content. Open up and love.

Day 2 Carpe Diem Already!

Today my Father celebrates his 84th birthday. We all celebrate with him because 32 years ago, we almost lost him. He suffered a massive coronary and it is only the grace of God and the efforts of good doctors that he is with us today. He has about one quarter of his heart which has been hanging on all these years...truly a miracle.

This past year, my cousin suffered a severe spinal cord injury and is now in a wheelchair. The accident stunned us all and has caused every family member to take a step back and consider things more seriously. That accident forced me to make a conscious daily effort to keep an "attitude of gratitude" and to stop myself from complaining as many times as I can check myself.

Walked two hours tonight and considered life. In a very broken world, my life is pretty good. Shut up. Get going. Carpe Diem. And celebrate every day...not just on your birthday!

Day 1 Choosing People Over Food

The beginning of a new month...a beautiful June day...is there anything so rare? Went for a very long walk, breathing in the air and enjoying the people and dogs I saw along the way. I fasted from sugar today and realized again how I calm down all over when I do not indulge. Sugar sets me on a mental tilt that makes me feel "off" at every level...not worth it.

A truth about myself came over me today like a wave of water. A mental veil was lifted. I struggle at times with great bouts of shyness. I can so easily isolate myself. Then, I become lonely and I hide and eat. I have often chosen food over people because food takes much less work and it does not reject me when I feel vulnerable, fragile or shy. However, the down side of food is that it cannot and should not replace intimacy and fellowship. I have given food a place which it does not rightly own. I am learning to replace food with people. People take a lot more work but the payoff is worth it. I need the fellowship more than the food. I need appropriate boundaries when necessary. Life is good. June is beautiful and so are the good people I know and cherish.

Day 31 May Farewell

The lovely delicate greening month of May empties itself today...falling gently down into the damp early morning of the first of June. There are picnic leftovers...a cold cheeseburger for breakfast...(my deepest primal need for meat, now satisfied). I ate it slowly with a fresh cup of hot coffee. I felt full, so I stopped and went to hang wash out on the line...a fresh breeze, sunshine, my city lungs filled with a cleansing rush of May air.

Dreading going back to work tomorrow...so much stress and drama there and I feel emotionally fragile today...knowing I will get hit with a wave of humanity, need, noise, unanswerable questions and anxiety. I am emptied out. I sit within arms length of my family's love and support and yet cannot seem to grasp it. Fragile and vulnerable in the May breeze.

The only temporary answer is an attitude of praise and physical movement. I have much to be thankful for on this warming luscious day...the pink tablecloth flapping gently at the edges of the rough picnic table wood...bleached, and a painfully clean white pile of bedding swaying in the wind...a full stomach that does not want food anymore...just fellowhip and intimacy and joy. Let May drop away with all the lessons, joys, laughter, breezes and promises...June commences.

Day 30 Pink Birthday Cake

Safely home in the arms of family with a shockingly bright pink birthday cake in the middle of it all. Pink makes me happy...pink balloons, pink streamers and pink dresses...something about that color which digs the happiness right out of my center, spreading it all around...sticky frosting.

At one point, I sat in the living room and listened to all the family noise around...always at least three people talking at once...the sounds of children laughing, the tea kettle humming, the occasional jogger running by outside the house...fading footsteps...the distant sound of a motor.

The children made smores in the evening and I had no desire to eat anything, actually. Deep in thought about some things...pink being the primary color in the back of my mind. Pink makes me happy and at the same time this evening, it has made me a touch sad...but there is no desire to eat anything...which is good, as food cannot solve my thoughts, nor give me an answer. I shall stick with pink blossoms and pink leather shoes.

Day 29 Night Is Drawing Nigh

Thoughts come hard and scratchy as the day wanes...things which were so very clear at 9am on a fresh Saturday morning, run slightly muddy and off by 10pm. Knotted clumps of thread, far from the original spool...fuzzy and unattached and slightly sad. Time to lay this day aside...turn off the noise, close the fridge door and quietly walk away.

Day 28 Memorials

As this Memorial Day weekend begins, I think of family members who sacrificed, so that I could grow up free, happy and unfettered in this great nation of ours. There is my Uncle "Ham" who survived the battle of Midway, days of marching and a liftetime of "jungle rot" on his feet...a poignant reminder that I need to be a little tougher on myself...get out there and walk...no jungle rot, no crippling tropical heat, no excuses. I remember my great Uncle Bob who in a split second received shrapnel to the neck...a wounding which stayed with him the rest of his life...a man who had to kill or be killed...shooting a Japanese soldier and then taking the man's wallet and taking the time to return everything to the man's widow...be kinder, be softer, be tougher, follow through...think about others and take a long look at your smooth, unscarred neck...no complaining allowed. I think of my Father...drafted at 18 for two years of service as part of occupation forces in Japan...a gentle man, an artist...dragged out of his comfort zone to stomp around a foreign land, helping to keep things in order...postponing school and his life...yet, returning home...remember to be grateful, to thank and encourage people more, to get out there and grab life by the horns...no complaining and no laziness accepted, thank you.

I plan to enjoy this weekend. I will give thanks for the huge and wide variety of wonderful foods, available to me in a land of plenty...a land fought for at great price...a land where I still live unfettered. At the same time, I will be a controlled citizen...cherishing my health, my strength, my youth, my family and my joy. Happy Memorial Day!

Day 27 Points Of Beauty Along The Way

Walking this evening and getting ready for Memorial Day weekend. Saw so many lovely things along the way. Happiness is a choice and sometimes one must make that choice on an hourly basis. Excessive complaining by work mates forces me to choose happiness hourly...with determination. I can't make up for their unhappiness but as an act of subterfuge, I notice lovely things around me.

Lovely one: 3 robin egg blue pots sitting on house steps...spilling over with yellow and orange marigolds.

Lovely two: a toddler with chubby knees, wearing a fireman's hat getting ready to run under the sprinkler...such joy on his face!

Lovely three: greetings from a wonderful and fully trustworthy friend.

Lovely four: a furry little dog, panting...breed unknown...joyful four-legged life on a leash.

Lovely five: a flag flapping wildly in the wind, against a bright blue sky.

Lovely six: tired workers at Gleason building, taking a break outside on the sidewalk, seated on the warmed ledge...watching people walk by, hats on, shoulders sloping...quiet and relaxed in the heat.

Lovely seven: a passerby...wearing a peace sign T-shirt...grizzled, rough looking and hot...greets me with a grimy smile as I pass him.

Lovely eight: people eating at a cafe...outdoors, laughing, glancing around at passing traffic...heads cocked.

Lovely nine: a couple seated, close to the sidewalk at a newly opened gourmet spot...the man peering carefully over the menu, glasses tipped to the edge of his nose...the woman, wiping her mouth, feet tucked comfortably under the table...both quiet.

Lovely ten: a heavyset and tired looking driver...backing up for me as I stroll over the cross walk...glancing at my sneakers, curiously watching my face.

Life is never boring...ever. Every moment is made to be absorbed some way...with joy, controlled abandon and breath.

Day 26 Pink Suit, Pink Fingers And Toes

MORNING-Another blistering hot day and again, I am not complaining! I am in the pink...truly! I am wearing a pink linen suit which did not fit when it was given me. I have matching "shocking pink" toes and nails. I am coming in to my summer element. I am sleeping less and rising earlier. I am happy to drink a lot more and eat a lot less. I am feeling the hard-earned body joy of walking for a full two hours. I have more energy.

MIDDAY-Celebrated a friend's birthday this evening. I ate too much and did not exercise, however the greatest lesson I have learned in the last few months is that this health issue is a lifetime, day to day, minute by minute, holiday by holiday, meal by meal process. It is always with me but it need no longer have a hold on me. It is always a challenge but the edges of the challenge have been softened by the endorphins of exercise and the healing joy of obedience.

EVENING-A personal note...experienced some fear this evening...about some emotional issues...and I ate my through it, not like I used to but I found myself eating some stale chocolate wafer cookies, two slices of Great Harvest white bread and imbibing two glasses of wine. However, I am done. It is almost 10pm and I am truly done. I do not feel sick, just slightly saddened. I am not despairing, just slightly disappointed. I acknowledge my fear and take action...bathe, wash hair, brush teeth, go to bed with a good film and start again tomorrow.

Day 25 Sister Solidarity And Sweat

A blistering hot day...no complaints. Decided to accept the sweat and delight in it. I took a long walk, drank a lot of water and worked on stomach toning. The sweat adds to the glory of it all. Sweat cleanses the body. In a weird way, sweat cleanses my mind and emotions.

Celebrating the 29th birthday of my sister. Bought gifts and visited her at a local pub. As I was eating my meal, I contemplated what I was eating. I had water instead of cocktails or soda. I had a side salad. I had a chicken wrap (with a lot of vegetables). I marveled at the fact that I was eating coleslaw instead of french fries. It felt totally natural to order a lot of food with vegetables. I am a french fry queen, but today I made other choices and it was not an effort. Good things seem to come to those who keep making good choices. Heat makes me eat less. Getting continual compliments at work also helps. My sister complimented me. A good day of happiness, heat and hope.

Day 24 Crankville

A stunningly beautiful day. Blue skies. Shimmery heat. A fresh breeze. Green and blowy trees...all good things outside. Inside...cranky people, uncooperative people, frustrated students, broken pencil leads and smudged test papers and unread passages and people who talk too loudly...all cranky things inside. I think I shall stay outside today. I am looking forward to an afternoon of shopping for my sister's 29th birthday. I am looking forward (really, I'm not kidding) to doing my toning exercises this evening because I am seeing results and because it makes me feel so much better emotionally. I am looking forward to being around happy people...and a sugar free iced coffee.

Personal success...purchased new underwear for the summer...tops, down a full size...bottoms, down a size, plus?! Pulled four pair of summer capris out of the closet yesterday...they can no longer be worn because they are too big...sad, I will have to go shopping again. Pulled a dress out which no longer fits. Shall have to buy another one. About getting rid of over-sized clothing...there is a loss of security when one does this. I am shedding more than pounds and clothes. I am shedding a part of life, a way of thinking, old habits...a way of being which has been mine for a long time. I am throwing away the Linus security blanket and it does leave one a little rattled. My closet looks different when I open it. My mind has not yet caught up with the body...but it shall indeed get there...and the more I stay away from cranky people, the faster the success comes.

Day 23 Where Did It Go?

Went for a long walk in the heat. Bathed in cool tub water. Observation...my stomach is not where it used to be. This is good. Smiled, bathed...perfect!

Day 22 Dressed And Undressed

Dressed early in the morning. Checked out my progress in the mirror. Went to work for three hours. Came home. Undressed. Checked out my progress in the mirror. Changed clothes. Left home. Sang in a wedding. Came home. Undressed. Changed clothes. Checked out my progress in the mirror. Attended a 50th birthday party. Came home. Undressed. Checked out my progress in the mirror. Pajamas. Bed.

Day 22 Letting Down Without Losing One's Mind

Pizza...controlled. Wine...controlled. Chocolate Girl Scout cookies...controlled. Dealing with a million and one people, issues and requests...quiet, calm and controlled. A delicious day despite the tumult. A huge and heavily planned Saturday...all will be calm...God is good. The week is done. Everything is under a soft blanket of priority, peace and meaning. Food is in it's place...thank God.

Day 20 Grinding On With Joy And Hope

Slept better last night since I cut way back on my calories. I walked for a good length. I was in a better mental state as I awoke and the sun streaming through the window, with the sounds of joyful bird twitterings in the background, softened the thud of morning.

Dutifully, I hopped on the scale. I have finally landed for good within a particular decade of pounds. I know in my head solidly, that I shall never return to a higher decade. There have been enough weigh-ins with female cycle swings, mood ups and downs, water-retention and mini chocolate, salt and bread binges to know that the number on the scale really means that number. Even after these little relapses, my body, when given the chance, and a day or two of water and better eating... returns to its new set point. That set point is where my body is now comfortable. I can rest there for awhile and maintain. The challenge over the summer (15 glorious weeks!) is to get to the next set point. I want to move out of this decade of pounds...down another 10 pounds, basically. I am learning to rest where I am. I am learning to be in the moment. During the rest of this week, there will be a wedding rehearsal and a wedding, a Saturday morning meeting, a 50th birthday party, a child's birthday and perhaps some other smaller social events...a whole lotta cake and carbs squeezed into a very small time period. I will survive it. Actually, I will do more than survive it. I will glory in it.

Day 19 Summer Countdown

Starting today...exactly fifteen weeks until the next school year, which means fifteen glorious weeks of summer, people, events, dinners out, finishing up the school year and exercise, exercise, exercise. I am amazingly refreshed by getting my head wrapped around a fixed date...a set number of days...a goal. I know I control nothing and no one. I know any control I exhibit is only a gift of grace. Ultimately, I control nothing...but I do so love to count...to think about what can be accomplished in fifteen sun-washed weeks...15 pounds?, 15 books read?, 15 good movies watched?, 15 cups of excellent coffee?, 1500 miles traveled?, 150 prayers offered up?, 15 kisses...more? The list is endless...and I feel happy. I walked 90 minutes today, kept my mouth shut when I should have (both with food and comments) and enjoyed sunshine. 15 glorious, sun-drenched, love growing, life affirming, ice cream melting, fresh fruit eating, pounds coming off weeks...delicious in every way.

Day 18 Gray Is Gruesome

Yet another gray May day...truly, one puzzles about the weather in upstate New York! And yet, daily life must go on. I am hanging in there at a 33 pound loss and I keep reminding myself of that fact. It really is amazing. I really do feel good...really...but I am bogged down by a little jab of PMS...the school year drags on and on...and I did not sleep well last night. I may go home after work and take a nap...no apologies, no repentance, no guilt trip, no backward glances. I have come a long way this year. A solid 33 pound loss is nothing to sneeze at, but it goes deeper than that. I am changing emotionally, spiritually and relationally. Those successes are harder to grasp, to comprehend, to make one's own...they are more ethereal...dainty and delicate and vulnerable. They require protection.

Notes of joy...shoes which did not fit before due to (dare I say it, fat!) now fit. It is somewhat humiliating to discover that even one's feet can get fat...I now claim several "new" pairs of summer shoes which I could not wear before...joy. My pants wardrobe is gradually expanding (not in the waist, thank you) because more things fit and it has been a long, long time since any pair wore out at the inner thigh area due to (dare I admit it, fat!)...more pants...joy in the morning. I have not been down, really down...(in my head, that is) for months...looking forward to each new day...joy in the morning...literally. Gray remains gruesome but hope is yellow and green.

Day 17 Monday Calm

By late last night, I was feeling desperate about the anticipated stresses and time constraints of the upcoming week. Then I had an unexpected and wonderful communication with a friend and I relaxed and the whole world fell into place. Now, I know that nothing has really changed but it is amazing how a little ray of sunshine causes the stress to drain away. Note to self...life is a continual battle to ferret out and utilize the little smudges of time on the sidewalk which color the day with joy and quietude.

An improved attitude, hope and anticipation...even a restrained sense of giddiness made me get serious in a new way about counting calories. Simply put, food does not mean as much when there are better or different options. Food is a drug of choice...an escape mechanism when life gets tough. It is so hard to remember that, in the middle of a difficult experience...reach for the drug of choice...learned behavior...bad solutions...a bag of chips might possibly save the world...that jar filled with 1,000 jelly beans is just begging to be one's temporary salvation...sugar ain't no satisfactory solution...walk away. Walk into better options. Walk into joy.

Day 16 Letting Go, Again!

A beautiful day with a wonderful improvement in the weather. I decided to declare a "non" day...too much interaction and human connection (mostly good, by the way) over the course of the past week. I broke the day down into 30 minute chunks...30 minutes of walking, 30 minutes of reading, 30 minutes of a film, 30 minutes of walking again...I let go of humanity's chaos and buzzing and in a small way, regained control of my own humanity.

I let go of multi-tasking in order to be able to regain my inner life. I let go of figuring everything out in order to be more fully a woman. I let God show me today, hour by hour how to be who I was really created to be...not what people, institutions, expectations and culture told me I was. There was no anxiety with this approach. It meant that my home was not perfectly cleaned. It meant that I did not do all the walking I was going to do today...but I was calm enough to do more than half of it...simply because my mind was not spinning. I took time to write notes to my nieces and nephew. I took time to take a phone call from a trust-worthy friend. I took time to bake cookies for a friend's mother...I did control my food and calories..but only because my mind was at peace. Another week begins and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I need to pray for mental and emotional protection from the negative people at work. I have to change and I change by distancing myself from those who will not or cannot change and I change by going forward in the manner and grace that I have learned is my vocation. It is not about counting every last blasted calorie...it is really about growing more and more into the person that I am meant to be. See the larger picture...discard the minutia unless it is sacred, profound and healing.

Day 15 Still Hanging On

Hanging in there at a 32 pound loss! I feel good because keeping the weight off is 90% of the battle. A great family day despite the chilly weather...note to self...family and companionship can circumvent the most disappointing weather.

Made a quick visit to the local pub to check in on my sister. Listened in on various conversations and heard desperation, loneliness, insecurity and bragging bravado! Happy to leave in quiet reflection, thankful for a mind at peace...food controlled today despite attending a local diner with home fries and eggs, and a local festival with fried dough...revived and ready for a good night's sleep.

Day 14 Friday Frolic

At last, the end of a very long and challenging week. I have been side-swiped by heavy carbs, run over by bad weather and wine, driven crazy by difficult people at work and depressed by answers as yet, unanswered. The week is done.

After work, I severed the difficult ties at work, got "the heck out of Dodge" and headed happily into the arms of family, minimal drama, support, complete acceptance and joy. My mother and I joined together in a make-over at Chanel. I treated my mother to dinner and we relished good and supportive conversation. My sister brought joy, humor and job-exhaustion to our conversation at a later time. Gifts were exchanged. Later, at home, I engaged in...a wonderful and encouraging telephone conversation with an encouraging friend. I indulged at a late hour in slices of wheat bread and half a left-over oatmeal cookie from GEVA theater...I do not care...life was lived and was lived well today...tomorrow I shall climb back on to the scale and thank God that I have the use of my legs and my mind. I shall thank God that I am spending the day with family at the local lilac festival. I shall thank God that the weather is better and that I can smell, see, taste, touch, and hear the cacophony of lilacs, food, sun, family, exercise and...happiness. Food is a smaller part of this experience called living than I ever thought possible...for too many years, I have given it too much power...frolic in the lilacs and let go...how much of being alive is wanting to be alive?...food for thought...

Day 13 Sick And Tired, But Not Really Sick...Just Tired

Another long week is almost over. It has been an extended time of gray, dank and damp weather, a little teaser of sunshine with more cold and strong breezes...got to find a way to not let the weather have such an effect on my eating, my mood and my overall view. I am sitting here on this rather blah afternoon and I know that the best thing I can do right now is to take a nap. In fact, that is what I am going to do right now...back later...zzzzz!

Okay...I'm back...having slept for almost four hours...I guess I needed it. The weather has been so cold that I have moved back into a hibernation mode...dangerous mentally, because I am not prepared for it. Look at the food I ate this afternoon...chocolates, wine and thick slices of wheat bread with garlic humus...all comfort food...food that makes me want to hide away under the covers and let the world go by. Sigh.

Drank a lot of water to flush things out...spent some time "talking myself down"...took a hot bath...wrote out a fresh list of exercises I want to try...headed back into bed...day is done...giving it a solid B.

Day 12 Relinquishing Control

In order to give up control, I have to make a list. Yes, I understand the irony in that statement. I have to make a list of all the things that I am no longer going to try to control! I cannot control anyone, or anything for that matter. Any "control" that I seem to have is a simple gift of grace linked with a delicate strand of expectation. Yes, expectation because I have been given an opportunity at a particular point in time to do something that is good, healthy, edifying, beautiful, helpful and in someway, blessed and established...in this world and in the next. Even if I do not see the results this side of Heaven, I know I am to act on the grace that has been granted me. I know I need to do something with the opportunity.

I am at a point in my life right now where I have all the opportunity I need to finally be successful at weight loss. I have stripped my schedule to the bare minimum, so I have no excuse not to exercise. I have severed ties (or at least placed strict boundaries around) people who drag me down. I have searched my heart and brain for places which need healing. I am learning patience, and shall learn this until the day I die. I am listening more and talking less. I am doing more (about weight loss) and talking less about it. I am fasting weekly and finding it amazingly satisfying.

I used to set impossible goals for myself and found myself all wrapped up in the minutia...losing sight of the bigger picture...and thus, inevitably failing. Those days of minutia are slowly fading...thank God. There will be days when I eat my way through an entire bag of nachos...but those days have become fewer and farther between...by letting go, I am regaining the control I always sought. There may even come a day when I no longer live with a list in one hand and a pen in another...and yet...

Day 11 Blah With Hope

Blah. The weather is terrible...really cold, gray and rainy for May...for Heaven's sake, warm up already. Starting a liquid fast again...it works wonders for me, serving the purpose of bringing bad thinking, bad habits and bad eating under control. Apparently, I need to do this on a weekly basis. Blah.

Day 10 Thinking Myself Into A Razzle Frazzle

Thought way too much today. Overthought a number of situations and succeeded in making myself neurotic and nuts by the end of the day. I used to talk myself down from overthinking by eating. Now I walk or talk to my Mother. I have grown to trust my Mother in new ways...ways I never thought I would. I believe this might be called maturity mixed in with a little humility. Yes, it took me some time! The paralysis of analysis...drop it and stop it. Trying to figure everything out...let it go and let it evolve. Trying to control everyone and every circumstance...learn to live a little more "seat of the pants"...and by the way, those pants will be getting smaller and smaller as you walk and talk and don't eat...

Day 9 Mother's Day

A beautiful day indeed. We started to celebrate Mother's Day by eating our desserts first! I had three little desserts and a cup of black coffee. I realize that really sugary desserts leave me feeling slightly ill. I am having a less and less difficult time resisting sugar. This a gift to me.

We enjoyed a lovely dinner at a local restaurant. I have become comfortable with keeping mental track of how much I am eating and what I am eating. Another gift to me.

I enjoyed the afternoon with the family. My family is a gift to me and surpasses any and all kinds of food, sweets or any other kind of substance which I could possibly abuse. Knowing this is a gift to me.

I have a wonderful Mother. She is not perfect. I have learned to allow her to be herself and I will no longer try to change her. She has learned and is learning to allow me to be me and is not trying to change me. We have a balanced relationship and a kind, well-intentioned and healthy one. I have learned to not blame her for the food I put into my mouth. I alone am responsible for my actions. I love my Mother. Happy Mother's Day Mom...thanks for all good years and for all the good years yet to come!

Day 8 Wind-Whipping Wasteland

Yikes...winds up to sixty miles an hour today. I wrapped up my head and upper body in a large scarf and headed out into the wind to get in an hour walk. Walking is my emotional salvation. Even on my most exhausted days, after 20 minutes of walking my thoughts are clear and the blood is flowing in the right direction. It is amazing to me that a brief 20 minutes in time is all that it takes to settle things down. What kinds of things get settled? Well, my thoughts line up, my blood feels thinner and cleaner (if that is at all possible), my skin seems to breathe more deeply and any anxiety filled emotions have the edges filed down...softened.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and another round of delicious food offerings begins. I am in charge of bringing desserts...mini cheesecakes, Italian cookies, rum torte and mocha tortes...ah yes, and then a dinner out at the Glen Iris...a favorite family hangout. I shall take a Sabbath rest since it is Sunday and I will rest from exercise. As far as food goes, I plan to slice the desserts into smaller pieces so that I can enjoy a mini taste of everything without losing control. I will focus on the enjoyment of family and fellowship and the food, but in a balanced manner.

As to the weather?...we might see a few snowflakes in the morning, but I shall not despair for bad weather at this point of the year is not leading us into the depths of winter but rather into glorious Spring...just a temporary glitch along the journey...never an excuse to indulge.

Day 7 End Of The Work Week Drawing Nigh

Hooray for blessed Friday. I do not want to live my life wishing for the weekend...and yet there is still some kind of magic as the day rolls around. I complete my liquid fast at 7:15 and it has been worth it. My personal issues were resolved in a beautiful and positive way. My head and thoughts are clear and pristine. I am tired and looking forward to a comfortable dinner with my sister...then a delicious sleep...well deserved, I might add. There are so many lessons which come with fasting but the thing that keeps sticking in my mind is how little food I actually need to live...the amount of food we eat in this country becomes more and more obscene...out of balance.

Later...enjoyed a delicious meal...one small greek salad, one drink and 25 bites from a very large chinese/rice/vegetable platter...they were small bites and they were yummy! But I chewed slowly and savored each bite. I listened to my body and stopped eating. I got the food boxed and took it home to enjoy another day. A peaceful end to the week. Both stomach and mind are satisfied, comfortable, peaceful...even happy.

Day 6 A Quiet Patience And Resolve

Seventeen hours into the fast and I notice a remarkable difference. Everything about me and my person has slowed down. That would make sense, of course, since my calories are limited and I am living on liquids. However, there is a change inside my head as well. I am more at peace. I am more patient. I am more willing to empathize with a grieving friend. I am quieter in my spirit. I am more resolved to see a couple of personal concerns brought to positive resolution. It is good to let the body rest. Even my jaw can rest...no chewing for a time period must feel wonderful to teeth and muscles...how refreshing!

Twenty-six hours into the fast...had a cry, walked in the cold wind for an hour, had an excellent phone conversation with a close friend, made a decision and acted on it...felt nervous but good at the same time...nervous, good, nervous, good...need to head for the bathtub...maybe need another good cry...fasting, like massage...sometimes releases pent up emotions...things that need to be let go of...including hanging on to bad food habits...

Day 5 Cinco De Mayo Mayhem!

A beautiful day...a day of sunshine and then rain and celebration and all good things. In the midst of all the good chaos...I remained in control. At work, there was a Cinco de Mayo celebration and after attempting to resist a plate of food being gently pushed at me by one of the classroom Grandmothers...I realized that I could not. I could not because it is culturally insensitive to turn away home cooked food at a celebration such as this one. I ate one plate slowly and carefully. I stayed away from the flan and glasses of soda. Victory #1. After work, I attended a wedding shower and faced a table of appetizers, punch and desserts. I ate a little bit of everything...no punch...and enjoyed good conversation. Victory #2. I had an unsweetened iced coffee to get a quick boost. In my bag, I placed a collection of snacks given to me this week by various friends at work...a large cookie, a bag of kisses, a snickers bar and a bag of peanut M & M's...I ate ONLY the cookie on the drive home. Victory #3. I stopped at the grocery store and purchased and ate ONLY one piece of pizza. Victory #4. I got home and walked 2 hours in the rain. Victory #5.

After the walk, I made a decision to begin a 48 hour fast. I believe in the power of fasting. It is a spiritual exercise which always leads to answers. There are also profound physical benefits. The negative cycle of sugar, salt, sugar, salt breaks with a fast. I have some personal issues which I believe this fast will help resolve. I look forward to cleansing my body. I will be taking in calories...thinned liquid calories...but it is a fast nevertheless and it seems a perfect way to celebrate in a different way...after Cinco de Mayo chaos, I am looking for anxiety free May 6 and May 7! Ole!!

Day 4 Life Inside My Head

Lost myself this evening in a 2 hour walk. It was truly wonderful. All my senses were alive and kicking. I treaded lightly and joyfully through piles of bright pink apple blossoms strewn all over the gray sidewalks. I felt the air shift from heated and tired...heavy from the day's use, to cooler and steady as the night settled in. Darkening slowly and softly, the sky drifted into moonlight and hovered gently in a freshful resting place...my mind finally let go of the day's stresses and strains. The lengthy walk shook all the day's dreck loose.

The bulk of our lives is lived inside our heads...a crazy thought if one thinks about how crowded it is in there. There are so many voices competing daily for one's attention...and that raises the stress level. Attempts to practice patience derail as the noise level rises. God save us all from the culture clamor.

I will never (so help me) read another diet book or look at another magazine article about quick weight loss for the summer swimsuit season or listen to another distraught person on a talk show go on and on about their weight issues. Books, articles and obviously people with their opinions all have their rightful place...but my head is full to bursting and I want to be more picky about what gets stuffed in there. I can't walk 2 hours everyday...even though I would love to. Two hours is apparently what it takes to clear this head of mine. Do not disturb, please.

Day 3 Slumber And Smiles

I slept a few hours in my family home...arose early and was on the road at 6:10 am...for a 90 minute drive back to my apartment and another day of work. The day flowed smoothly but by mid-afternoon, I had absorbed the usual bumps and jostles of the work day...a jealous work-mate, a few snide comments, a muggy feel to the building, the usual student-anxious pre-teen insults and shoves...loud voices and tramping feet, interaction with the fire marshall...an overly bright sun around 3:30 on the sidewalk by the bus loop, and I felt myself slipping into exhaustion. I went straight home and did the best thing I could have done...I crawled into bed. I slept more than 3 hours...apparently, I needed that!

Sleep is defined as a period of rest for the body and mind, during which volition and consciousness are in partial or complete abeyance and the bodily functions partially suspended...(exactly, I say)...and a time for me when I do not think or worry about food, eating, weight or body image.

From the poet Mark Raymond Slaughter..."Oh free me please with gentle ease from work, sleep, work, sleep, work! This odium, pounding tedium of my work, sleep, work, sleep, work..." and I would add to that...free me from the pressure of food, eating, weight, body image...food, eating, weight, body image...drift off.

Day 2 Virtue Attempted

I read a great quote from the author C.S. Lewis..."Virtue-even virtue attempted, brings light: indulgence brings fog"...that resonates strongly with my emotions toward food. When I fast, (and not only for virtue's sake)...everything is clearer for me. My emotions shake off dusty and twisted thinking. My body sheds "stuff" including negative cell memory...backed up and un-processed feelings, old wounds and hurts, fears and anxieties...I have extra and intense energy to plough through another day of life. I just feel more "on my game".

Indulgence...well, that is quite another story. When I overeat, it is as if I have been given a dose of ether. I am "bottom heavy" with the inner walls of my being pressing out in discomfort. My head hurts. My skin is more sensitive. Most importantly, my emotions, the insides of my head are fuzzy and sad. It is similar to having a heavy anchor attached to my body...inter-twisting the chain up and around my spine...yanking at my mind like a raw kite string. Indulgence not only brings fog, it cripples me.

So many circumstances now work in my favor...the weather is beautiful, I have a lot of extra time, it is lighter much later into the evening and new friendships bring hope to my heart. But there is always a sense of lingering...the fear that I can lose it again and slide back into indulgence...just today, for another hour, for another day...I resist the fog and embrace virtue.

Day 1 May...And They're Off!

A new month and I find myself re-focused and well rested...got a massage and my nails done...walked an hour and a half...the longer I walked, the better I felt. My feet were sore, but my head was clear and free. The air, incredibly clean while at the same time, laden with a heavy purple lilac scent blew my hair everywhere and cleared my skin. Everywhere I walked, blossoms strewn over sidewalks, steps, bushes and car tops...announced Spring, queen fresh herself, with gentle force... and I am new all over.

Quoting Ms. Evaleen Stein..."Peach-buds to meet thee, robins to greet thee, hey, little sweetheart and May morning, hey! Sunbeam and sing time, bluebird and wing time, this time is kiss time for sweethearts, I say!"

I have met peach-buds and robins today and their freshness whirls from the inside top of my head to the soles of my feet. I ate very little today. My other senses, engaged in a heightened fashion, kept hunger away. I delighted in observing a sleeping 10 month old toddler have her baby toes painted bright pink by her Mother. Such careful detail so delicately distributed on such dainty, immaculately tiny toenails...paying atention to beautiful detail is so much more rewarding than stuffing one's face...a gentle sleeping baby and the care of a mother trumps old dingy habits, bad behaviors and desires. On a gorgeous fresh May Day, self-indulgence fades.

Day 30 April Winds Down Graciously

The last day of April. The sun shone today and the fellowship among close friends was sweet and refreshing. Another trip to the chiropractor. A new pink linen blouse. Dinner with girlfriends at a Greek restaurant. A restful stroll along the canal. Two scoops of ice cream and a lot of pleasant chit chat. So much success walking hand in hand with struggle this month. So many lessons learned and old lessons re-learned. Old weaknesses re-exposed. Hope renewed. Change continuing. Growth, slow at times...pushing on. Blessings over the month of April. This month is finished. Let the merry month of May open brightly.

Day 29 The Blessings Of Conversation

I am really hungry right now. I have six minutes left until my self-imposed fast ends. The last six minutes seem to be the longest. I can feel the back of my stomach...actually, it is not that bad. I'm just a spoiled over-stuffed American who is experiencing just a touch of self-denial. I have kept this fast for 45 hours and it has been incredibly freeing...both physically and mentally. The 45 hours were all I needed to get back on track.

I had lunch with one of my 5th graders today. Actually, she ate lunch and I sipped a cup of tomato juice and a cup of cinnamon tea. Because I was not concentrating on stuffing my face, I was able to listen to my student more. The art of conversation is difficult for my students. They are trapped by violent video games, broken or strained family relationships and temptations from the street. They act tough but when they are alone with me for a half hour lunch...they clam up. Honest conversation is apparently too threatening.

I noticed what she was eating...foods heavy in processed carbs, sugar and salt and fat...even the milk was chocolate. Not only are the mean streets deadly...the very food my students place in their mouths is harmful. A couple of years ago, I even had a first grader with high blood pressure due to obesity. I can't force them to be healthy because I can barely do it myself. But I can talk to them, pull them out of the crowded and excessively loud cafeteria, treat them like the human beings they are and limit my eating long enough to engage them and listen to them.

Day 28 Stop The Train, I Want To Get Off!

I reached a tipping point last night. I fudged and cheated and slacked off for the two plus weeks after Easter. I kept it together but just barely and it was making me very nervous. When I get nervous, I get stressed and then I start eating for comfort and I stop exercising and it is a surprisingly quick derailment. So I decided to keep a modified fast. It started last night at 9pm and will end tomorrow at 6pm. That will be just enough time for me to think things through again and for my body to get a needed rest. I have felt that my body was asking me to stop eating. Short and simple...just stop putting things in your mouth!

What is a modified fast? Just light liquids. I take in calories but they are liquids such as skim milk, coffee, tomato juice, fruit juice and lots of water. I get enough calories to keep my blood sugar even and to allow me to function well at work. Actually, as the day progresses, I have more and more energy. My clothes get less and less tight. My head is clear. I feel that I am back in control again. The derailment has stopped.

Day 27 Struggling...Struggling...

I hate imperfection. I hate it because I can't control it. Because of deeply held spiritual beliefs, I know that we were never meant to deal with imperfection and so I keep fighting it and reaching little peaks and then sliding into dips and valleys...and returning to old habits and then stopping them again. Today has been another weird one. Awoke to snowflakes and a stiff wind! The beautiful purple lilac bushes shivered in the wind. I climbed back into a pair of jeans and a wool sweater. I got to work and someone had brought in an amazing cake. Because of the cold, I gravitated toward carbs but kept things fairly under control. I drank 4 cups of hot cinnamon tea. I listed to a workmate drone on and on about diabetes and insulin and obesity in our culture. I sat there with my cake and tea and became thoroughly annoyed by him...but it doesn't take much for this person to hit my buttons. He/she is a true source of stress for me.

Walked 30 minutes and thank the dear Lord...a desired friendship is blooming...the desire to bring my life back into control has returned...toward perfection again I go...tomorrow is a new day...

Day 26 Working At Redemption

I did not sleep well last night and I felt quite terrible in the morning...exhausted upon standing, and slightly tentative. Then, even after coffee and a decent breakfast...I began to feel slightly "tilted"...a little queasy in the head and stomach. I think it was too much of a shock to get up so early after a week's break and with little sleep. I wobbled off to work and discovered as I often do on gray and cold Mondays that my battle with food had only just begun.

I drank a lot of herbal tea, which soothed the stomach. I ate a significantly sized bowl of vegetables...as planned (see recent blog on vegetables)...and I gave in to some coffee in the afternoon. I did not overeat but my heart was not at all committed to food fidelity. Had someone placed a large bag of chips on my desk, it would have been demolished. I had a two hour meeting after school (a spanner in the works emotionally) and then headed home.

I said as I climbed the stairs, "I shall not count another blasted calorie today"...and I did not. I ate my 200 calorie sushi (but did not journal it)...then I headed for the New York rye bread and the pepperoni slices...nuff said. I had some milk and then found the large caramel latte candy bar waiting for me in the silverware drawer...where else would it be? I ate half of it and then thought about how I was beginning to feel...not sick, but certainly on the way if I did not stop...so I took a deep breath and stopped. I re-wrapped the candy bar and headed out for a walk...it took a lot of mental effort. I am a perfectionist...I seek the perfect calorie count for each day followed by the perfect exercise experience...I hate dragging my body along after having stuffed my face...forced redemption...I walked 90 minutes in a cold breeze so I suspect the damage was minimal...salvation does not come easily some days.

Day 25 Time Out

Tired of counting calories. Tired of thinking about food. Tired of exercise. Tired of wondering (just for fun) how many calories are in the two plates of food I ate today from Mario's fabulous Sunday brunch...yikes!

I have chopped up an entire pot of fresh vegetables and sauce...only 660 calories...will drag it to work tomorrow. But, I'm still tired. Where is my break...my way out? Oh...Sabbath rest...ahhh...and thank You!

Day 24 All Hail The Simple Vegetable

Headed off to the local public market this morning and I am now the owner of about a thousand pounds of fresh, locally grown vegetables. I have to admit that I am excited. I have known for a long time that my diet was lacking in the vegetable department...but the question that dogged me was how to get it all in? I have decided that for now, I will buy jars of tasty sauce and then shall chop mucho vegetables and eat the sauce with veggies and rice. Calories count of course so it will be less rice and more vegetable. I would like to get 3-5 cups of veggies a day into my diet...impossible? No...very un-American? Yes. The farmer at the market who sold me three heads of cabbage for an incredible 1$ agreed with me that had one been living on pizza...there would not be enough German in that person to find a way to eat 3 heads of cabbage...and yet, I shall try. It may kill me dead..but I need a good vegetable boost. I will die healthy!

Day 23 Serve At Room Temperature

Okay. I am finishing up what needs to be the LAST piece of birthday cake in what has turned out to be a week long food fest. I am all about celebration but I need to be done. That food is so good going down my gullet but I have reached a point where I am breaking even...eating and walking to cover the calories and eating some more and then wondering if I can get enough walking in to cover the next batch of calories coming my way. I'm starting to move into that sugar and salt ying yang thing. I continue in this new year with the goal of losing just one pound a week. I need endurance. I need stamina. I need a new way of thinking. I need to revive some positive eating habits I have learned. I need to find some new ones. I need to shed some bad old habits which like to re-surface from time to time. Blessings on this new year...minus week one and away with the stored cake in the fridge!

Day 22 Winds Of Change

The temperature dipped suddenly today. Once again we were subjected to a 25-30 degree plunge in just a short time. I headed out today to take a 30 minute walk and realized half way through the walk that I was way under dressed. I froze...I was uncomfortable throughout the entire excursion. The next 30 minutes will take place with me wearing a much heavier jacket.

Here is the good news. I considered these different jackets I wear. All of them...a black tailored raincoat, a blue corduroy barn jacket, a leather jacket, a fitted black dress coat with a mink collar, an Abercrombie and Fitch stadium jacket, a shearling coat and a brown wool peacoat are all clothing items I have not been able to wear in the past. Now they are all "over large" for me in varying degrees. Zippers now zip and flop at angles. Buttons which used to strain, now hang in relaxation. Coats designed to show off one's waist now do just that. Hips and belly are covered appropriately. I can sit down without fear that a button shall leap off the cloth. Success! I shall have to replace these lovely clothing friends in time. For now, I shall wear them and rejoice for as long as I can. When I start to look shabby, sloppy and too much of a caricature...I shall hand them all over to the Salvation Army...God bless them. Thank you coats for fitting. Thank you body for healing. Thank you mind for adjusting. Thank you winds of change for blowing through.

Day 21 The Need For Speed

In just a couple of days, because of walking and calorie counting, I was able to shed several pounds. Exercise is the key. However, I also have to deal with the food problem. Still struggling with it today...was good all day and then stepped right back into the social problem of parties and eating out. My eating at the restaurant was not too bad but I always struggle with portions. I do not want to eat the whole meal because I know I will be too full. However, if I don't box it and take it home, I know I am throwing money (and good food) away. However, if I take it home, I feel obligated to eat it fairly soon and I have no idea what the calorie content is for any random restaurant item such as two slices of gourmet pizza or a leftover salad and a slice of bread. I want to be able to count calories as much as I can because that is where I find I have the most control and it is where I feel the most emotionally safe. When am just "out there" with food choices and unknown calorie content, I feel nervous and borderline out of control. When I get nervous, I feel stress. When I get stressed, I just want to hide...crawl back in to bed...with something to eat...no exercise...hide...and feel terrible. So...what to do...tomorrow is a new day, thank God. Give me the grace to feel safe.

Day 21 Moving Right Along

Two days in a row I have walked 2 hours. It feels wonderful. It is tremendously satisfying to lie down at night after a hot bath, controlled and healthy eating and a whole lot of exercise. I sleep like a dead log. I awaken sore in the legs, but refreshed in the body and mind. My skin looks better and better...can't quite pin down the difference...the skin texture seems different and smoother...there is a glow. My system has "regulated" itself again because of all the water drinking. My mood is elevated. My thoughts are clearer. I am more willing to be patient with irritating people and I am more willing to extend myself...to do things for others...because I have more energy. Hour by hour...day by day.

Day 19 New Day

Got myself turned around today. The two weeks between Easter Sunday and my birthday were tricky going. Too much food, too many choices, too much social stress, too much sugar.

Today's formula was fairly simple...I have made weight loss far too complicated in the past. I walked 2 hours today...4 groups of 30 minutes...breathing in the amazing and fresh cold spring air. I tipped my head back and let the air whip my hair around. I enjoyed the bright blue sky and the white tree blossoms. I counted my calories as best as I could. It is always harder to track food and caloric intake when surrounded by family and friends, and yet, social isolation...being alone so that I can protect myself and control every calorie...is not a healthy option.

I have many social obligations and opportunities this week. It will be a step by step, minute by minute and hour by hour healing process as I enjoy my friends and good times.

I drank a lot of water today and it is amazing how much smoother my skin feels. I finished eating by 7pm. I celebrated the end of the day with a hot bath and a good book. Avoiding emotional conflict (especially when it is not necessary...such as trying to change a family member) is healing and calming. If I sense stress connected to this process...I will walk away from the healing. My goal is to lose just one pound this week and to enjoy the process. Today was a good and happy day.

Day 18 The Face In The Mirror

Today was a very fattening day due to birthday celebrations. But I did reach the end. It is 11:05pm and I just finished eating a large and very delicious piece of chocolate/raspberry birthday cake. I really enjoyed all the food today and I am going to list some of the things so I can look at it in black and white...quiche, maple bacon, a blueberry muffin, coffee with cream...a fabulous brunch at a favorite restaurant...Italian meatballs, Swedish meatballs, lasagna, crab cakes, cherry blintzes, strawberries with cream and cream puffs, salad with lots of bleu cheese dressing...and on and on...it was all good. I looked carefully at my face in the mirror this evening and I did not like what I saw...in fact, I got a little bit nervous. My skin looks not quite as smooth due to what I have been eating. I have not been drinking enough water and that makes my skin look more worn. I have put on a couple of pounds and I can see it in a rounder face...a little bit more of a chin...a broader look and feel...and I do not like it. I start over tomorrow because I feel as if I have lost my edge, my power, my enjoyment, my energy and my joy. Don't get me wrong...I am balanced but I can so easily lose it. I have to drink tons of water. I have to count calories. I have to exercise. The solution is within my grasp...Happy Birthday to me and let the new year commence!

Day 17 A New Day Dawns

A wonderful Saturday...slept late and then, of course got on the scale...blah...but my eating was controlled today...and here is why...a relationship is blooming and I feel so good about it that I was resolved once again to take care of myself. Got a manicure and pedicure today. Then I got my hair done...and I must say it looks good! Ate more carefully and much more slowly...headed home to visit family...back home and basking in the glow of a safe place. I am looking forward to my birthday...milestones and celebration...

Day 16 Imperfections And A Thankful Spirit

The Friday evening before my birthday on Sunday...the weather has turned again...just sitting here thinking about all the things I have to be thankful for despite the imperfections of the body, weight, skin or anything else which I can think about. So here I go...I need to practice the "attitude of gratitude"...a surprise birthday dinner with my sister, laughter, a good car, chanel perfume and lotion, a beautiful apartment, television, good wine, birthday cards from friends at work, bakery treats from Savoia (a gift from Edgar), a pound cake (a gift from Leticia), cream cheese cupcakes (a gift from Angie)...can you see how work is a very fattening place?

I am grateful for...a light spring rain, a week of vacation, more birthday cards from my students, my family, a new haircut, a manicure and pedicure, dinner plans with friends next week, hugs, birthday greetings, a comfortable bed, new sheets, vitamins, books, a new coffee pot, movies, friends...on and on it goes...never, ever complain...one goal for the fast approaching new year is to spread this wealth around to others...weight loss should come with it...I am convinced that the more I get my mind off myself, the more I let go of whatever it is which has held me in the area of weight loss...happy birthday to me and to my body and to my health and to all the new people who will soon be part of my joy and my life...