Day 30 The Month Winds Gently Down...

Last day of June. A family reunion over the next few days, fast approaching. I look forward to being with my family. Family is also that dangerous place where "everyone knows your name"...and everything else about you...strengths, weaknesses and struggles...and failures. Family often feels entitled to bring up those failings and sore points...the cost of doing business with people who really know you and love you just the same. Family can also be way out of line, treading over sacred boundaries...places where angels step lightly and blundering humans do just the opposite...blundering and harming. In the past, large family get togethers have caused weird combinations in my spirit of pain, joy, grief, laughter, insecurity and safety...often leading to bouts of overeating (or coping, as I have called it). Not this year. I have come a long way emotionally and spiritually in the last few months...thank God. With grace, I will do more than cope...I shall triumph...loving and choosing to overlook the "mistakes"...picking my food carefully, knowing full well that I can't pick my family...growing up, slimming down, opening my heart and shutting my mouth.

Day 29 Goodbye Mr. Chips...And I'm Serious...

There are some foods that no longer need to be part of my life...ever again. I shudder inwardly when I declare absolutes with food because I always want to have some sort of a backup. That last sentence makes me realize how emotionally dependent I still am on food...always gotta have a back up plan...always some treat stashed away somewhere in case...in case of what? In case of famine? In case of a seige by foreign troops around my city? In case of a new version of the Irish potato famine? What is my fear and how in the world did I develop such a mis-balanced view toward food? Have I ever been close to starvation? Has there ever been a time when it was impossible to find some sort of food somewhere to stuff in my mouth? Is this some sort of weird cell memory bleeding over from the experiences of my immigrant relatives? I have lived a life of affluence...not because of anything I have done to deserve it...but there has always been enough food.

I need a whole new mind set. I am still working on figuring this all out...but I stood in my kitchen last night and snacked on potato chips and thought..."this, I can let go"...potato chips and french fries are foods which make me feel gross...greasy, messy...they make me nervous about my skin...cause me anxiety because I know I have no idea how many calories I am eating...and, (here is the really good news), once I stop eating them...I no longer crave them. So...one day at a time, one pound at a time, one food at a time...goodbye to chips and fries...nice knowing you...

Day 28 Seizing The Summer

It always takes a little time to unwind from the stresses of the school year. I wake up, as I did today...on the first Monday after the first weekend off...and I discover that my high speed rinse cycle is still on high spin. I even had the alarm set. Funny thing is that even though I had the alarm set, it was on mute...I use my cell phone for an alarm. So I do experience a gradual wind down...but it can be slow. Maybe tomorrow I won't set the alarm. Maybe. It makes me a little nervous when I lose all my structure at once. Makes me wonder about retirement...but that is borrowing trouble...a conversation for another day.

Spent some time doing toning exercises. Walked a full three hours...not all at once...but in chunks...thought about the mental energy it takes to allow myself to get better. Getting better...putting in the time needed to be alone, to heal emotionally, to take time for myself...the time I need to take to nurture others in order not to fall off the face of the earth...the time needed for personal expression through writing...the time required for intimacy and friendship and emotional connection...seize this summer, seize this day, seize this hour and this experience and this emotion...

Day 27 Sunday Lollygag

Threw aside the best laid plans of mice and women today...and enjoyed the Sunday slow-down. Attended church, which was refreshing. Connected with a girlfriend and drove to a beautiful local restaurant in the middle of a gorgeous state park and joined my parents for dinner. We looked at the waterfalls and spent time driving around. I felt my list of plans fading away as we drove through the lush green. I let them all go with a sigh.

I ate carefully during the day. I enjoyed the company and fellowship of family and friends. I purchased ice cream when I came home. I enjoyed the summer rain in the evening. I rested mentally. Lollygag away...

Day 26 Summertime...And The Living Is Easy...

Slept in like a drugged baby this morning...so delicious, so lovely, so needed. Read a lot in bed. Reading is so much more satisfying when I know I do not have to rush off to work. Headed off for a much needed hour-long massage. This was followed by a long lunch with two friends...two people who are unique, independent, fiercely loyal, kind...and also slightly odd. If I waved the "normal" wand over all my friends...I would not be keeping many of them...and I would be the lesser person for that exclusion. These two friends have brought great joy, support and honesty to my life...God bless them. I drove home, thanking God for all the excellent people he has placed in my life. I put on fresh socks, sneakers...grabbed my IPOD and my house keys and headed out into the warm air for a...are you ready?...a three hour walk! I enjoyed it profoundly...such power and joy when I know I can stride strongly through the city, head held high...with no pain, no struggle, no doubt...knowing that it is indeed all worth it...the healing of joy surges through me today. Head thrown back...enjoying the music, the sun, the pound of the pavement...love and hope.

Day 25 Beddy Bye

Bed is where I need to be right now. It is where I should have been several hours ago. It was a full day. I drank 18 cups of water and two additional liters of water. Apparently I needed to be hydrated. I have had a lot of trouble with food in the last couple of weeks. I felt blah for quite a bit of the time. I feel better now. I am done, hydrated and exhausted...off to bed.

Day 24 Tears Streaming

School is done. The kids are gone. It is time for personal change, healing and peace of mind. One of my most difficult sixth grade boys walked up to me at the bus loop with tears streaming down his face and gave me a long hug. I was moved and surprised. It made my day. The drag of it all (the whole blasted year) washed away in an instant. Let the summer commence.

Day 23 Letting A Wounded Person Go

Another school year has wound down to an end...always glad to see it go because each year brings a series of good and bad, up and down, sad and happy, success and failure. It is time to tuck it all away...and begin to rest.

This year has been a particularly pressing year of social and spiritual growth...at times it has been profoundly difficult and at times it has been a quick and painless slide into the next waiting lesson. There has been one familiar strand, winding its way throughout the warp and woof...a seriously wounded friend...hanging on around the edges, trying to work his way back into the past...refusing to change when I changed and grew and moved on. The lesson of walking away from someone who will not change, get better, listen to reason...or take responsibility, has made me feel disloyal and mean-spirited. Those negative feelings compromised my physical and emotional health at multiple levels...but no more.

I heard today that he put in for a transfer...with grace and healing providence, he will be elsewhere in the Fall. I can no longer help him or extend a hand to a wounded spirit which runs and twists and pulls away from healing...God help him. I cannot. I continue to grow, to heal, to change...as must he...and so I let him go with God's blessing and wishes for a better life...and I go on...to better things...with not a mean-spirited bone in my body.

Day 22 Enough!

Enough already...enough of starting the morning out with an ungrateful and grumpy attitude. Enough of thinking that food will solve anything...enough of falling for that lie again. In the last couple of weeks, due to a number of issues...I have once again fooled myself into thinking that food will solve the pain...I have wanted to hide away so many times...to shut down and move back into myself...but that is no way to live. What has drawn me out again and again?...hope...hopes which are unpoken, or only admitted to a discreet few...hoping for hope...increased intimacy with serious praying friends, walking for 2 hours at a stretch...reaching out to children in great need...despite not wanting to (truth be told)...and experiencing the sick feeling when I have overdone it and the gut wrenching body "ping"...knowing again that the chosen drug has failed me. It will always fail me because anything that is given such status is out of wack...nothing material like food can ever reach the deepest corners of my insides...food is just a blanket of bread and salt. Enough.

Day 21 First Day Of Summer

Summer started today and so did I...again. I am learning that I can always start over. Grace is extended into every area of our lives as long as we are willing to accept it and to act on it. Something shifts on the inside and I am not sure how it all works together...but it does. I accepted the Grace extension today and fell right back into line with what I was supposed to do...I do not need to keep re-inventing the wheel...talk less, walk more, eat less, think and pray more, buy less, give more, appreciate one's body more, criticize one's body less...love people more, criticize them less...extend and receive Grace.

Day 20 Father's Day

A kind, loving, faithful, honest and generous Father...how could I ask for anything else in this cold and un-trustworthy world? How many women have suffered profoundly...have made terrible decisions with men, money, substances, children, careers, lifestyles, their bodies and food due to bad Fathering?...probably a lot more than I shall ever know...I have been blessed...blessed beyond what I have ever had a right to claim...now it is my turn...get going. I alone, am now responsible.

Day 19 Swollen Ankles

My ankles are puffy and slightly swollen...was there an ankle twisting incident? Did I stumble over something at home and fall? No...actually they are puffy because I have eaten a lot of salty foods in the last couple of days. Just returned from a 40th birthday party which started at 3pm and it is now 11:30...I just got home about 20 minutes ago. I had a great time and met a lot of new and delightful people. It was a truly joyous day...time well spent. However, there is an awful lot of food which can be imbibed over an 8 hour period. There is a lot of salt which can be swallowed or chewed in that time slot. One's diet can be seriously harmed in a short amount of time. Today is a reminder that I can never get arrogant about having this food thing under control...there is always a circumstance, another social event, another unexpected dinner invitation...another happenstance...I have to be on guard at all times. Sort of discouraging...however, I start over again tomorrow...always a fresh start...always other spices out there besides salt...

Day 18 Delight

Friday. Fun plans. Sunshine. Sister time. Mexican food. Marvelous. Happy. Hopeful.

Day 17 Greek To Me!

The Mediterranean diet...excellent health food...lots of disguised vegetables...got to get you into my life...

Day 16 Chocolate, Sushi And A Whole Lotta Health

Craved salt today...ate sushi, wasabi mustard and peppers...yum and low calorie. Craved sugar today...ate chocolate...not as low calorie but safely within the day's allotment. Went to the chiropractor and thought about how walking used to really bother my knees...no more thanks to weekly treatments. Walked two hours this evening before the rain hit and thought about my cousin in a wheelchair. Whenever I think about being lazy, I remember her and then I decide that I am walking for her...end of story. Drank a whole lotta water...watched a whole lotta French ballet on public television...glad I will never be that gauntly skinny. Someone in the documentary was supposedly "letting go of oneself" by eating an extra helping of semolina or couscous...please.

Phone conversation home...hot bath and good sleep...indeed a solid day.

Day 15 Taking Time

Making a concentrated effort today to take time. Taking time to listen, really listen to the person trying to communicate with me. Taking time to sip my coffee slowly. Taking time to respond carefully to a child. Taking time to chew and really taste my food. Taking the time to get my nails done...and to talk to the woman who is performing this task for me. Taking time to be quiet. I am finding that taking time is, well...it takes time...which requires me to be patient, quiet in my soul and spirit, less rushed, less anxious, less bothered and all around...less. Except for the increased joy.

Day 14 Middle Of The Road Mindset

Blah...but not really. Monday...but felt fairly good...the school year winds down soon. Ate stuff that is not really good for me, but did not really over-eat...blah...but not really. Got a lot done today...but was really on auto-pilot. My emotions were middle of the road...not really up nor down, and frankly...it was a relief. Too much energy put into things I cannot control is exhausting and a bad place to land and stay for too long...blah...but not really...just middle of the road. I know what I need to do in every area of my life...now that is not middle of the road no matter how one slices it...food puns...gotta love it. It is a relief to know what I should do EVEN if I do not yet see the longterm outcome...not blah...but not over-stressed or freaked out...sticking with mediocre for this evening...just hanging on lightly with direction. I can live with it.

Day 13 Resting Despite...

It is Sunday and I am resting...despite the oil spill in the gulf. I am resting despite a slight weight gain due to too many birthday celebrations. What am I going to do?...not celebrate my friends and family? I am resting despite the fact that our state government (a pox on their households!)...will probably shut down the state tomorrow because the budget is 2 and 1/2 months late. I am resting despite the fact that as of yet, there are unanswered questions to big issues in my life. The answers and guidance and leading will come. Resting encourages patience and I need that virtue. I am resting despite the fact that I just ate two mini bags of chips...blame it on PMS (which will go away) and I can always start over tomorrow. I am resting because there are only two more weeks of school and then I enter a wonderful time of summer which means soul, mind and body refreshment...thank you God. I am resting because I have divine permission to do so...and so I will...and I do. Rest.

Day 12 Simplicity

Sleeping. Walking. Praying. Shopping. Washing. Eating. Friending. Watching. Phoning. Writing. Reading. Sleeping. Simplify...trying.

Day 11 Material-Physical-Spiritual

Material...chocolate mousse at my Mom's birthday celebration. Physical...the lake, the sunshine, the tour of Rose Hill Mansion. Spiritual...family laughter. Material...a really good cheeseburger. Physical...driving through the EZ-pass lane by mistake...oops. Spiritual...taking deep breaths to avoid panic. Material...dark chocolate and pecans. Physical...a two hour walk. Spiritual...prayer. Material...the IPOD, the bumpy sidewalk, the phone and my house keys. Physical...hot bath with cranberry soap. Spiritual...quiet rest in fresh sheets...peace and prayerful sleep. Day is done...

Day 10 Walking-Thinking

Thank God that I can walk. Walking and thinking continue to provide mental-emotional salvation for me. I took a student out for dinner this evening. I was happy to do it, but felt profoundly discouraged and yes, even depressed as I dropped her off at her home. What will become of her? She is bearing more at the tender age of 12 than I have ever experienced. I drove home, slowly.

As I pulled into the driveway, I realized I had a choice to make. If I chose to walk I knew my thoughts, emotions, and anxieties would shake themselves out and I would be able to make sense of things. If I chose to sit down in front of the television, I knew I would eat and that I would sink quickly into true despair. I pulled on socks and sneakers. I left my IPOD in the drawer because I knew music would not help. I got moving. Two hours later, I returned home...relieved, settled, tired out and amazed that I had made the better choice. Getting used to being that person who makes the better choice, is still new to me. I embrace it.

Day 9 Wacky Weather Grocery Shopping

The surprisingly cold weather continues. I refused to wear a jacket today, but I saw a lot of people who were bundled up. I just had to hold the line...it is afterall, the ninth of June, for Heaven's sake. I went to the grocery store after work...and upon exiting the store, met up face to face with a sleety, thick soup sort of rain...wind blowing, sky graying, wet soaking my hair, back and groceries as I loaded everything quickly into the car. I even had to pay attention to where I was walking in the parking lot because I almost turned an ankle. Yuck.

I looked at what I had purchased. There was some fruit. There were some vegetables. There was skim this and some low-fat that, however...the bulk of the food in my cart was carb-heavy. I had frozen pizzas, burritos, bagels, chips, chocolate...you get the picture. The man who rang up my groceries agreed with me (and that me feel better)...that it was not fruit and vegetable weather. We decided that it was starch weather...similar to the feel of the thick cornstarchy rain pounding on my back as I exited the store.

Headed to the chiropractor. On my way home, I saw a woman struggling with some profound muscular disorder...she had great difficulty walking and then I witnessed a man who was dwarf-like in stature...working at a local store. I thought about my temporary carb relapse...decided that I would make it work...hook or crook...one can always count calories...but that any complaining about the weather was out...simply out...back to basics. Eat better, keep moving...be thankful.

Day 8 My Life Is Not On Hold

Experienced a powerful revelation this afternoon. It hit me suddenly like a flying brick...my life is not on hold, nor has it ever been on hold. I have waited to take care of myself based on the beginning of the month, the New Year, my birthday, how I felt, how I thought others felt, the exact number of days until...the next party, the next relationship, the next purchase, the next...the next...the next...instead of the now, the now, the now.

This week has been an incredible watershed week for me. I have decided not to isolate myself anymore. I will work diligently to have positive social interaction on a daily basis. My introverted personality, like everyone's personality needs to be reformed, to be matured, newly shaped...just like eating habits.
While I wait for new steps in my life, I will enjoy the life I have today. This seems so very very basic, and yet there is a freedom here which has been missing in my life for a very long time.

It seems to be about letting go of my death grip on life...letting go of my teeth-gritting effort to take control. Somewhere, years ago in my life, I lost control or sensed that control was being taken from me and I have been grasping for it ever since. I released the white-knuckled hold today and life is flowing through me in a new way...

Day 7 Carbohydrate Confusion

The wacky world in which I live (upstate New York)...is filled with weather surprises. I am convinced that weather plays a large role in my eating. Case in point...this past Sunday, the temperature dipped in a huge way. I stepped out of the house in the morning and faced whipping rain, cold temperatures, gray skies and general blah. I stuggled all day with the desire to overeat. I wanted to eat heavy carbohydrates. Even though it was the beginning of June, the thought of fruit, salads and general light eating went out the window. Actually, the window was closed due to the chill. As I type, the temperature is 56 degrees and will be in the low 40's during the evening...I am tired of it. I piled on a sweatshirt and jeans this evening and got out there and walked my two hours. Just do it. Don't think. Can't figure it out. It's cold. I still have to walk and burn calories. Pray for sunshine and get moving.

Day 6 Resting With Determination

Today I am resting...from people...from plans and control...from the world and all the ongoing bad and disappointing news...from expectations (real and imagined)...from counting calories...from me...zzzzz

Day Stumbling Quietly Into The Sacred

An incredibly gorgeous day...wind, sunshine, heat...the only thing missing was the ocean. I attended a lovely wedding at St. Patrick's church in Victor, New York. I sat in the old wooden pew, thinking of the hundreds of services which have taken place there over the years...the sun streaming down through the gold and purple glimmers of the stained glass...through the bottom opened panels...white blossoms, cotton wood, dandilion, pollen fuzz...all swirling around outside in the joy...the heated rays, the purple hope of a fresh June wedding day.

Everyone was cleaned, polished and neatly presented in the church in honor of the special day. I sat there, carefully balanced in pointy chic heels and marveling at the fact that the suit I was wearing fit...after four years of not fitting...I felt clean and polished myself. Why do we take the time on a lovely Saturday afternoon to get all gussied up? We do it because we recognize that committed love between a man and a woman is something to honor...to take the time to get polished up for...it is sacred.

I have not always treated myself as sacred. I have not always been careful about what I put into my body or onto it. I have not honored my body's need for balance, sleep, moderation and temperance. I have pushed and pulled, stuffed and forced and shoved and treated my body and mind in sloppy ways. Today as I sat in lighted purple, amidst the smells of perfume, old wood and furniture polish and candles...I resolved again to treat myself with respect and honor...life is sacred, not sloppy.

Day 4 A New Swagger

Just noticed something in the grocery store parking lot. I have lost 35 lbs. and I am walking differently. I strode out to the car after picking up a low calorie package of shrimp sushi (who knew a packet of wasabi paste was only 15 calories?)...and it suddenly hit me...I was walking differently, somehow...what was it exactly? When 35 lbs. have disappeared...one's body handles the spine, the stride, the pace in a new way. It makes sense...we have all seen people who are morbidly obese sort of waddling from side to side as they struggle to move forward...everything gets in the way...the stomach, the triple chin, the heavy thighs and the bulky chest...all those extra pounds cause the body to move, sway, waddle or walk in unique ways. It took 35 pounds to feel the difference for me. My ankles seem more secure and balanced. My stomach is no longer blocking my path. My waist feels strangely not there and my pace is faster. Of course, I have been walking a lot every day so the stride is automatically stronger and more purposeful.
I tend to sprain my ankles regularly and it will be interesting to see if that stops after my weight loss. I have a new swagger...not cocky really, because I can't ever risk being arrogant...like an alcoholic, I can always fall off the wagon...just keep swaggering with confidence.

Day 3 Red Velvet Cake And A Two Hour Walk

My Father came up to the city today to celebrate his 84th birthday with us. We enjoyed a delicious meal together as a family. Then we walked to Cibon and enjoyed Red Velvet cake, Espresso cake and coffee. I took bites of each and enjoyed the family fellowship. There was no guilt. Thank you God! I came home, popped on my IPOD and headed out into the rain to walk. Two hours later I came home and had a good and very helpful conversation on the phone with my Mom. This weight loss and some deep spiritual healing has vastly improved my relationship with my Mom. I am thankful for this, because I need her advice and support. I have pushed down my need for human support in the past. I am not sure why I did this, but I did it and that is all part of the necessary healing. Let the emotions out. Let needs be known. Let healthy expression happen where it needs to happen. Live life. Heal. Exercise. Once in awhile, eat red velvet cake AND espresso cake! Be content. Open up and love.

Day 2 Carpe Diem Already!

Today my Father celebrates his 84th birthday. We all celebrate with him because 32 years ago, we almost lost him. He suffered a massive coronary and it is only the grace of God and the efforts of good doctors that he is with us today. He has about one quarter of his heart which has been hanging on all these years...truly a miracle.

This past year, my cousin suffered a severe spinal cord injury and is now in a wheelchair. The accident stunned us all and has caused every family member to take a step back and consider things more seriously. That accident forced me to make a conscious daily effort to keep an "attitude of gratitude" and to stop myself from complaining as many times as I can check myself.

Walked two hours tonight and considered life. In a very broken world, my life is pretty good. Shut up. Get going. Carpe Diem. And celebrate every day...not just on your birthday!

Day 1 Choosing People Over Food

The beginning of a new month...a beautiful June day...is there anything so rare? Went for a very long walk, breathing in the air and enjoying the people and dogs I saw along the way. I fasted from sugar today and realized again how I calm down all over when I do not indulge. Sugar sets me on a mental tilt that makes me feel "off" at every level...not worth it.

A truth about myself came over me today like a wave of water. A mental veil was lifted. I struggle at times with great bouts of shyness. I can so easily isolate myself. Then, I become lonely and I hide and eat. I have often chosen food over people because food takes much less work and it does not reject me when I feel vulnerable, fragile or shy. However, the down side of food is that it cannot and should not replace intimacy and fellowship. I have given food a place which it does not rightly own. I am learning to replace food with people. People take a lot more work but the payoff is worth it. I need the fellowship more than the food. I need appropriate boundaries when necessary. Life is good. June is beautiful and so are the good people I know and cherish.