Day 31 The Hot Month Winds Down Cooly...

A very hot month. Handled an awful lot of stuff in the past 31 days...people, tears and laughter, walking and sitting and falling and visiting the chiropractor, good eating and bad eating, not enough sleep, a writing job in the afternoon, incredible heat and a new air conditioner, jeans fitting and then feeling tight again, hydration, not enough hydration, too much wine and too much anxiety, junk food and vegetables and fresh fruits from the public market, joy and sorrow, hope and fear, flip flops and heels, linen and polyester, sugar cookies and skim milk, chocolate milk and low fat yogurt...I will never be a purist...I will never be skinny (which is a good thing)...I can never be arrogant about food...I should be very careful about giving advice...I am blessed with family, loved ones and dear friends who have my back...blessing and struggling...they seem to go hand in hand...always blessed and always struggling and happy...God bless the waning month of July. Onward into the rested month of August.

Day 30 Outta My Way!

Stella Dora...get thee behind me!

Day 29 Fellowship And Food

The summer job has ended and I feel free and fancy and lovely. Went out to dinner with a lovely person. Conversation was wonderful and I am full of strong, black coffee...shall be awake for quite awhile...well worth it. Beginning to feel back on track after a few minor derailments with food and a few lapses away from the world of exercise. But back on track...two more days in the month...new plans for August and a renewed sense of purpose...

Day 28 48 Years And Counting...

Happy 48th anniversary to my loving parents! 48 years of love and diapers, chocolate and wilted plants, three offspring and never-ending drama, love and dinners out, money, money, money and love...Christmas Eve dinners and politics, church and carb-laden church suppers...love, love, love...Valentine's Day cards and roses...love and affection and food and food and food...and love and coffee and bear claws and boxes of doughnuts hidden in the sock drawer...and chocolate covered cherries and love and love and laughter...and flat tires and contact lenses and piano music and cream-laced coffee and love and love and suddenly...48 years...God is good...all the time...love, food...love.

Day 27 Surrounded By Food...

I seem to be drowning in a plethora of food...abundance everywhere...snacks at work...a fridge full of "stuff"...a friend taking me out to dinner...she ordered our food and then before I could blink, she had ordered an extra cup of french onion soup for me...yikes, slow it down Madge! Was there any handle on the day? Yes...I stopped eating at 7:30...there was no alcohol today and I ate slowly, savoring each bite...a lot of good conversation and plenty of water...have the morning free tomorrow to do a lot of walking...the jeans still fit, the jeans still fit, the jeans still fit...

Day 26 Days Of Wine And Roses...

Too much wine...no roses...not enough sleep...muggy weather...too tired of this particular summer job...feeling bloated and air-tight sealed into these jeans...blah...time to give up and go to bed...blah...not at all like the movies...

Day 25 Sunday In The Park..

There was no park today...but I felt rested in my soul after a very long and crazy week...sorry to say that the scale moved up some, but I am simply going back to the truth that I have learned...put food in its proper place...look deeply at why you are abusing food...what is it I am hiding from? What do I not have that I am pretending food is? What triggers these lapses back into old unwanted behaviors? What will keep me from doing it again? I think I know some of the answers...one is that I cannot go for days in a row with minimal sleep...no matter the social occasion, I have to have some boundaries...the rapid downhill slide is never worth it. The rest? Well, God and time will reveal all...the day tomorrow is simpler...the walking will be healing. The time out with one of my students will stretch me and there will also be a deep sense of "doing the right thing"...balance will be found again tomorrow...tomorrow with all the choices keeps circling around every blessed 24hours...

Day 24 Back In The Saddle...

Walked two hours this afternoon...mostly in the rain. As I started to walk and felt the drops getting heavier gradually...I made a decision to absorb it all...to take it in...truly, what does it matter if every last inch of me is soaking wet? It is similar to being in the bathtub...where I get some of my best thinking done, truth be told...so, I decided to do my grocery shopping after coming in out of the rain. No one seemed to notice at all. It was a cleansing exerience...got home and faced off with a rather strange male neighbor who wanted to chit chat and who wanted to let me know that (if I didn't mind him saying so)...all that walking was really paying off...recommended Yoga for my back trouble...and then we said goodbye...he makes me nervous...slightly odd...but it is always nice to have someone recognize the weight loss...safely at home again, tucked away and awaiting a visit from my sister...my wonderful friend and a part of my soul. She has been such a gift to me and such a source of encouragement...talking and fellowship always, always replaces any pleasure which food may offer. God is good..always patient, always waiting for my return...to a spirit of obedience and loyalty...sail on.

Day 23 Weird Day...

I suppose we all have them...these weird days. Mine happen when I have not had enough rest. In the last week, I have been up every night until 2 or 3 a.m. The result? I have spent the last 24 hours in a complete fog...fuzzy in the head, yet weirdly determined not to lose it...so I actually walked a total of 3 hours today...all in a strange cotton puff cloud...but I did it. Tried to take a nap this afternoon...didn't really take...ate weird combinations of food...almost as if my body was desperately searching for strength in all the wrong places...pistachio ice cream is absolutely not the place...trust me...left me with gurgling intestines. Nuff said...have taken a hot bath...overdid it with the muscle rub and had to climb back into the tub to get it off...burning instead of soothing is not the goal...weird day...headed off to bed...and by the way, the jeans still fit...a good sign! Will start again tomorrow...tomorrow always comes, thank God.

Day 22 Get Ready, Starch, Go!

There is always a slight calm...after the storm. Yesterday, I slithered into a pair of jeans...a pair which has denied me access for almost 8 months...and yet, yesterday I won. I won! I won! Today, due to excessive exhaustion and my dear friend heading back to NYC...and a steady stream of still unanswered questions...I ate a little more starch than usual. I had a large bagel and a full packet of cream cheese and one pumpkin pancake at brunch...I had two breadsticks and roasted potatoes during the dinner time...then three pieces of chocolate and a bit of vino...ah yes, food soothes the soul and makes up for all the drama endured during the day. Tomorrow is a fresh start...always a fresh start...I shall scoop up my emotions and pack them carefully away in a drawer, "gird up my loins" as it were...and start over. By the way, those slithery jeans still fit!

Day 21 Jeans, Jeans, Jeans!

An incredibly satisfying day! On a whim, I gave a sideways glance at myself in the full-length mirror and was startled at how thin I appeared. I turned this way and that. I marveled at my body change for about 30 seconds and then thought about two pairs of new LL Bean jeans which have been hanging in my closet since Christmas. They did not fit in December. They were not even close...I could not even pull them three-quarters of the way up my thighs...so with a little bit of courage, I pulled one pair out of the closet. I could not believe it...they fit. They fit. They fit. They fit. And that is all I have to say about today! I celebrated with a plate of leftover Chinese food and a glass of white wine at midnight...back on the wagon (or whatever) tomorrow...in my jeans, no matter what.

Day 20 The Merry Go Round...

A quiet summer evening...feeling the relaxation seep and drip over me as the lanquid days drone on...delicious. Headed north to the lake at sundown with close friends. Had an amazing hamburger at a local restaurant. Rode the refurbished merry-go-round...an easy "happy" for a buck...sat in the brightly painted green princess chair and closed my eyes and my mind and rode around and around...chatting happily. We ended the ride and walked along the pier, admiring the sand and the sailboats. The evening ended with a sing along at a local music school...a new experience for me...and a late night at a coffee shop...still chatting away long into the night...I have a headache and I need more rest, but the summer is healing...my health, both physically and emotionally is profoundly better...my friendships are deeper and more meaningful...the night and summer are still young...breezes and white wines and laughter and joy and prayers and sand and lake air with steaming hot hamburgers...the living is easy.

Day 19 Along The Canal...

A summer evening along the canal...a college friend, true to me for the last 28 years...a shared and intimate meal of appetizers and martinis and long overdue chit chat and intimacy...long honed fellowship and love and affection and tears and laughter...wishes for joy and future happiness and a well lived life...snacking in the evening...my two favorite food groups ...salt and sugar...with a twist of alcohol...my third favorite food group...shame on me, but joy in the evening with a friend who I hope is mine for a lifetime...

Day 18 Java On A Sunday...

A cup of strong black coffee and a rocky road brownie...later in the evening on a Sunday night...not such a great idea...as it is now past 3 a.m. and I am still awake...but the fellowship was great and the intense sugar killed my appetite for anything else...good night, I hope.

Day 17 It's In The Air...

Hope...affection...an air thickened with emotion and happiness...changes everything...absolutely no appetite today...for food, that is.

Day 16 Celebrating From A Distance...

Happy 8th Birthday to my favorite little nephew...called him and discovered that he was eating a traditional Irish breakfast for his special day...lots of heavy comfort food...a habit he picked up in Ireland. I think it was a lovely tribute to our Irish roots...so glad that we do not eat that way every day...or at least any more! Thought about how slender and active my little man is...a soccer and baseball lover...a player with trains and bats and balls...and a little man with a rabid sweet tooth...so, watch out there...little man, as you begin your new year...hang on to the older ways...sifting through the good and bad...and avoid the silliness of what our culture offers you...a bite of ice cream and a lick of chocolate and top o' the morning to you, my dear.

Day 15 Keep On Moving...

I have now lost 37.5 pounds...couldn't do my full walking workout this evening because I agreed to take a cooling down dip in the pool of a good friend. Yes, I was able to give up "the schedule"...practically Gospel, in my mind...for a social event. I did make sure that I did an awful lot of kicking and flopping around in the pool to work my legs and arms. I also did an incredible amount of listening. All good. Good for the mind, body and social soul...and the scale showed the results this morning...keep on slugging it out!

Day 14 A Midsummer Night's Dream...

A visit to the chiropractor...walked two hours and chatted with friends...considered the fact that I feel profoundly lonely this evening. Counted my blessings...will make more calls and am so glad that I have so many friends and family...

A dream...squeezed in between heat, stress, good books, slippery sidewalks, and people who mean well but who talk way too much...my dream?...love and a quiet evening with meaning and depth...caring and silence in my head...and a release from the world heaviness which I feel so much these days...remain so thankful that I seem to have finally digested (yes, I did use that term)...the truth that no substance and no human being reaches that final corner of loneliness which lies within us all...

Day 13 The Heat Is On...

Weather has swung back into the heat zone...the air is wet and thick and all around exhausting. Spent too much time after work looking for an air conditioner unit and then realized that I had not measured my window into which the said unit needs to fit. Still hot...no success. Came home and in a fit of frustration over being tired, hot and irritated and experiencing an unexpected skin outbreak...I raided the fridge. I did not do too badly and in five minutes I am heading out to get in a good walk...but it was a bleak reminder (again), that I can always lose it...(not weight but the struggle!). Again. Still hot...no success. Shutting down at this point...head for the sneakers and the sock drawer. Out the door...still hot...no success...try tomorrow.

Day 12 Sleep Well, Little Faithful Feet...

Two hours of walking...the body heals...the mind clears...prayers uttered...faithful little delicate feet with a fresh pedicure painted on as my token of gifting...thank you for keeping me moving. Thank you for hundreds of stairs climbed...thousands of twists and turns...the occasional reminder of your status with a sprained ankle...the dance steps on the dance floor...sailing away into the night...thank you feet...rest quietly tonight...thank you for helping me lessen your burden by toughing it out with me as the weight comes off.

Day 11 Sometimes It Is Better To Pretend That We All Like Each Other

A little affection...an extra caring effort...good conversation...sunshine and lots of talking and really good food...always, always, the fellowship trumps the power of the food.

Some of the best blog titles come from friends. Today's title reminds us of work craziness and the games that everyone is forced to play...where is that balance?...who knows after all...but seek out the good relationships, don't play games, be genuine and real...enjoy that beef brisket (in smaller portions!) and pretend to like the people we don't. It keeps civilization going. So does brisket...

Day 10 Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone...

Another socially swamped day...full to the brim with friends and activities...I am truly blessed and hopeful. Attended a philharmonic pops concert in the evening...was really wired after all the events of the day...and then, and then...the most beautiful jazzed up and mellowed down rendition of Bill Wither's "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone", performed by New York Singers and the local philharmonic...painfully wafting over me, driving my thoughts to distraction...I melted all over...full of emotions and exhaustion and I am tired and impatient and worn out...yet I carry on, almost too tired to crawl into bed...wanting to overeat to counter all the stuff in my head...but no...

Day 9 Patience...

Patience...don't have it...don't want it...don't like it...apparently God knows I need it.

Rained like drumbeats this afternoon, breaking the thick wall of wet heat which has covered me for the past four days...blessed relief. Wet and slippery and dangerous flip flopping through the parking lot...walking like an old woman...swinging her purse.

Socialized the entire day...minimal food intake...still not wanting much because of heat and thick air and emotions. Compliments from friends over the 36 pound loss.

Fans on this evening, trying to suck in some cooler air through the window...the apartment at one point was close to the 100 degree mark but has now slipped down to an acceptable 80...let it rain...cool me down...Lord, grant me patience NOW.

Day 8 And Counting...

36 pounds...and that is all I have to say...

Day 7 Shimmering...

Hot, hotty, hotter...sweat, sweater (absolutely not), sweaty...water, water, watery...a liquid day in every way. Liquids...all I drank and ate, all I wore, all I sweat...splash. Looking toward the horizon...hoping for a future cool breeze.

Day 6 The Heat Is On...

Hit 95 degrees today...and the air was thicker than soup...the kind of air which does not reach the bottom of the lungs because it is too hot...didn't bother me really...I practice simply "accepting the heat"...a trick learned from long, incredibly hot childhood days spent during summers in the Dakotas...white, shimmering prairie heat...stone and wheat and hot wind...lots of milk shakes and sodas, steaks and homemade doughnuts.

Thought about walking this evening, but I gave up. Lots of water...a cool bath and a quiet night. I will spend the next two days drinking liquids because excessive heat is predicted. The body does well with lots and lots of nutritious liquids...and walking and quiet joy. Fruits, yogurt drinks, vitamins, clear water...walking and walking and sweating and cleansing.

Day 5 The Day After...In Front Of The Fridge...

Another day of walking in the heat...excessive heat...but for every sweaty step I take, I think of two things. I am cold all winter and spring long and I cherish and accept the warmth that surges through every last inch of my body. I am warm. Hooray! I have the ability to walk. So many people do not, and so I trudge on...simply because I can. I should. I will. I do. Every step is a victory...a raised fist against the mind cramping "I can't"...

Standing in front of the fridge...the coolness feels good...but only for several seconds. Step back and absorb the warmth again. I look at the food on the shelves. Fresh fruit, skim milk and yogurts and lean meats and good breads...all good...so why do I want a frozen pizza, a bag of chips and anything chocolate?...human nature, apparently...choose what is not necessarily the best for me...everyone has been there. Close the door, close your mouth, choose the better.

Day 4 Home Again...Home Again...

The reunion has ended...scale says more weight has been shed...nothing short of amazing...took time to enjoy the people more than the food...absolutely worth it. Joy in the morning. Sparkly, brilliant sky bursting at the seems with fireworks...blues and soft cloud reds in the evening. Home again...

Day 3 Saturday Irish Bonding

Another family luncheon with more relatives. Meeting at Beef O'Brady's...the whole Irish/German clan together...good discussions with cousins and connecting at a deeper and more meaningful level. Babies jostled from hip to hip and passed from arms to shoulders and neck...soft, marshmallow baby skin...milky smell...laughter over observed family dysfunction and perceived dysfunction...expectations...perceived and real...struggles and resolved angers and new griefs, joys and hopes...delicious food and waves of emotion and energy passing back and forth over the long table...clanking cups and silverware...smiles and many tears and again, joy. Water and napkins on the floor...empty plates and a sleeping baby...joy and more tears in the sunshine...quiet.

Day 2 Friday State Of Mind

Hot weather on Ohio time. Family luncheon with a cool breeze under a tent and lots and lots of sunshine. Re-connecting with family members we almost lost in the past year. Thankful prayers and good food...shared in a relaxed and loving atmosphere. People have softened. Tempers did not flare as in the past. Food was eaten slowly, carefully and with joy...fellowship. Quiet sun.

Day 1 Taking Time Along The Winding Road...

The first day of a new month...a more low-key summer month...a month of varied breezes, heat waves, storms, rains, steams and cool-downs...a month to purge. This is a month to rise early, unpressured and calm while walking along the road...observing the first waves of heat-soaked dew rise off the fields...the steaming puddles pooled at the corners of the tarred cements chunks...waiting to be scorched and vaporized back into orange sky. This month settles in like a cool drink and a warm blanket...enveloping my mind as I rest and exercise and take time out to talk and listen...really listen to the people in my life.

I attempted to get a thirty minute walk in just before lunch. It took me more than twice as long because I was stopped twice along the way by good people who wanted to catch up...to chat...to re-connect. I gave up the "goal"..the "plan"...and allowed myself to be human. Sounds funny that I might have to make a conscious effort to let go that way...but our culture urges us ever forward...no time for reflection...no time for quiet thought...no time to iron out the brain folds which lie crinkled, crunched and raggedy at the base of my soul. I have been such a part of that mindset and I don't want to be part of it anymore. My eating, my exercise, the condition of my soul and spirit, the condition of my body...all change and bend toward the better as I allow myself to breathe...really breathe. Along the walk, I entered a grove...a green avenue of lush trees, wet swampy lands with piles of pine needle brush, sunlight seeping through the tree tops...overturned logs, the caw of a huge blackbird and the rustle of small animal life under the ground. Except for my footsteps sounding, I was silent. I was the interloper. I had entered green silence, wet and cool...and I was the better for it.