Day A Brief Respite When One Can Snatch It

This is another one of those crazy days at work. The fact remains that it will never be an excuse to overeat. The day started at 6:15 a.m. and I suspect it will end around midnight...a very long stretch indeed. There are the usual suspects at work...jars of candy, smells coming from the lunchroom and the aroma of colleagues' home cooked food. There is a forty-five minute window right after work when I can run to a local favorite specialty store to window shop and maybe purchase some fun items. I have a really cute purse/wallet/matching pen set in mind...just the thing to reward myself for the all the stress, running around and oh, yes...the 30.5 pound loss!

After that brief pause, there will be dinner (no idea where, so I cannot really prepare) with a difficult acquaintance, followed by an evening at the theater. I shall aim to return home as early as possible. It shall take me at least an hour to unwind...and thus, falling into bed around midnight is very possible! I have discovered to my delight that these longer days are a lot easier when one is missing 30.5 pounds...so much less to drag around! I think I shall start keeping tabs on all the little changes that are taking place with my body. I am "relearning" my body...a wonderful experience in the Springtime.

Day 29 Rejoicing In The Morning!

I hopped happily on the scale this morning assuming that after a weekend at home I would be the same weight that I was last week! I was blissfully surprised! I had dipped down into a new "weight decade". I have now lost 30.5 pounds since September and you had better believe that I am counting the .5 pound! It has been around 10 years since I last saw the number I saw this morning. I still have not figured out what I am going to do about Easter but I shall solve the problem with grace and wit.

I feel led to quote a delightful ditty from Ogden Nash. "Sure, deck your lower limbs in pants; Yours are the limbs, my sweeting. You look divine as you advance--Have you seen yourself retreating?" Okay...ready, set...enjoy!

Day 28 Palm Sunday

It is Palm Sunday. It has been pouring rain all afternoon. I am very bored with food right now. I do not want to think or talk about it. I am worried about how I am going to handle next weekend when I can(if I choose) re-introduce sugar into my world.

Thank you Shel Silverstein for providing a poem which reflects how I feel today.
"I opened my eyes and looked up at the rain, and it dripped in my head and it flowed into my brain, and all that I hear as I lie in my bed is the slishity-slosh of the rain in my head."

"I step very softly, I walk very slow, I can't do a handstand--I might overflow, so pardon the wild crazy thing I just said--I'm just not the same since there's rain in my head."

It was a perfect weekend. I am tired. No more thought or discussion.

Day 27 Twenty Simple Minutes

I will never be an Olympic athlete (thank goodness...the pressure is off). Probably nine out of ten days, I do not want to exercise. If given the choice between sitting quietly with a book and a cup of coffee and sweating on the treadmill...the book and coffee are going to win out...nine out of ten times.

I loathe the treadmill, truth be told. I love walking outside in the fresh air. The last couple of weeks, the weather has been lovely and I have enjoyed every minute outdoors. Then, the weather turned cold and nasty. I attempted numerous times to get on the treadmill and just as many times, I backed out. One of the hardest parts of winter is that my exercise ends up being limited to the treadmill.

But what is it exactly that a meager twenty minutes of walking will actually do? I found a list of why walking is so helpful. Walking will: manage weight, control blood pressure, decrease the risk of heart attack, boost good cholesterol, lower the risk of stroke, reduce the risk of breast cancer and type 2 diabetes, help avoid the need for gallstone surgery, prevent depression, and prevent impotence (not my problem). Sigh. This means I have to get back on the treadmill this evening. Sigh. I shall do it, by gum and not complain about it. There is quite a good payoff for twenty minutes of movement.

Day 26 Sunlight And Pumpkin

A quiet and blessed afternoon with family. The family cat "Pumpkin"...a bright orange and white ball of fluff sits gently on the carpet in the sunlight...licking paws and rearranging his claws. Such is the life of a contented cat...serene, limp...multi-colored puffs of fur, lolling on the rug in a puddle of sunlight. That is how I wish to spend more of my time...minus the hairballs and claws.

Being away from my place of work for 24 hours has worked wonders. Fresh country-cold and biting Spring air...hot coffee and family fellowship diminishes the desire to overeat. I allowed myself to be totally caught up in the joy of family while we were lunching at a pleasant neighborhood restaurant. The three children ordered over the top desserts...whatever they were, they were covered in lots of chocolate sauce and whipped cream. I passed them back and forth as different family members took bites out of the desserts. I was not at all tempted. I have been enjoying this long Lenten fast with no sugar. In fact, I am little bit concerned about next Sunday. It is Easter and technically I can start eating sugar again. How am I going to handle the reintroduction of sugar? I am having a difficult time envisioning myself never having sugar again. At the same time, I see myself struggling to keep it under control. There will have to be a plan. There will have to be a lot of self talk. There will have to be exercise and weights and balanced nutrition. I can only live one hour at a time. No negative projections about failure. One pound at a time...and a lot of sunlight...with a quiet snooze on the family rug.

Day 25 Driving Home Through The Rain

I am taking a three day weekend. The pressure at work continues to mount and anger and tension over unresolved issues is palpable. I have tried my best to disappear into the background so that I can remain calm. Everything is swirling however, and today I reached an impasse. I could not wait to exit the building. I had no desire to be there or to interact with anyone. When upset people hang together, stress rises.

Stress is the number one reason that I have overeaten in the past. It takes a long time to unlearn that behavior. I strive daily to learn how to unlearn this. Why did I begin handling stress by overeating? I grew up in a family where there was no use of alcohol or tobacco, however there was a liberal use of food. Food is far better than alcohol and tobacco and I remain thankful that I do not battle overuse of those substances. However, abuse of anything is still abuse.

I drove to my family home this evening...slowly exiting from the city lights...through a dark March drizzle...in a quiet car. The trip lasted about 70 minutes and during that time I was able to reflect and calm down. Stretching farmlands, rain soaked hills and the flip flap sound of the wipers all combined in a sleepy mist facilitating thought and appropriate emotion. This is the best way to handle stress. It takes time, though. I need time to live well. I need time to eat carefully and with deliberation. I need time to be counter cultural.

Day 24 Quiet Conversations

It was a day chock full of quiet and thoughtful conversations held in doorways and stairwells. I sensed that people wanted to talk. Perhaps it was the radical change in the weather. We went from drab, gray soaking rains to bright sunshine and a fresh and clearing breeze. People seemed to need to re-connect. A good friend and I snuck out during a brief break and headed to Dunkin Doughnuts for a hot and free cup of coffee. Another friend had given us coupons last month and every Wednesday has meant a free cup of delicious brew. Let me tell you that it is a powerful feeling walking into a doughnut shop and exiting with just a cup of coffee and one creamer.

There were more conversations as the day went on. I thought about how much more can be communicated and so much more thoroughly when people are quiet. Noise increases my desire to overeat. I need food to strengthen me against the onslaught of babble. No more babble please. We adults need quiet and serenity. Our kids need the same. My mind needs quiet so that I can be successful with food and my eating choices.

Day 23 Good Friends Who Lend A Hand

I could not ask for better and more selfless friends. Today was a very long day...starting at 6 am...and stretching out to when I came in the door, around 10 pm. I like to avoid days like this because so much time away from the silence and healing quiet of home leads me through so many temptations that I no longer stand strong. I worked hard at maintaining the appropriate number of calories today. I also knew that I would be having dinner with two friends this evening, so I planned yesterday to get my complete workout in so that I would not feel guilty about not doing it today.

Here is the great part. My friend (the one who was cooking), asked me specifically what I was and was not eating. She really listened. She cooked a delicious meal with lean meat, plenty of vegetables and a healthy carb side dish. She did not prepare any dessert either, which was a sacrifice for her. She did it without complaining and with a great supportive attitude. She did not even tease me when she saw me writing down what I eat in my food journal (which I carry everywhere). It was a wonderful and gracious evening. I felt respected and supported and returned home with not an ounce of guilt. I came home knowing that I have some wonderful friends. They are a rare gift.

Day 22 Rain, Rain Go Away

Rainy days and Mondays...Rain, Rain go away...you get the picture. I looked online to see if there might be a connection between rain and weight gain. I discovered that a lack of sleep contributes to weight gain and that falling asleep to the sounds of a rain forest might help. Fortunately, there was so much rain today, I shall not have to head for the rain forest...it is right outside my window. I took an hour walk in the rain, ate what I needed to eat, drank a cup of hot and fresh coffee, did my exercises and chose to just forget about it all.

Thank you Shel Silverstein for the following thoughts on rain..."I opened my eyes and looked up at the rain. And it dripped in my head and flowed into my brain. And all that I hear as I lie in my bed, is the slishity-slosh of the rain in my head. I step very softly, I walk very slow. I can't do a handstand--I might overflow. So pardon the wild crazy thing I just said--I'm just not the same since there's rain in my head". A perfect summation of Monday, rain, work, weight, walking and the on-going struggle...looking for my dry, warm bed.

Day 21 A True Sabbath

Today was a good Sunday for me. I chose to act on my upbringing and I took a Sabbath. It was not an excuse to eat whatever I wanted. It was a time to step back from all the self-imposed exercise requirements I have placed on myself. I did not go on any long walks. I did not do any weight training. I do not mind taking long walks. For the most part, I do not mind the weight training, although it gets harder and harder as I add new exercises. It was more the subtle mental relief which swept over me...knowing that I did not have to do any exercising. A friend said to me during the day, "Your body needs a rest". Simple. Rest. Refresh.

I ate a later lunch at Macaroni Grill, not a restaurant known for being a lo-cal kind of place. I checked out the menu online and once again I entered the restaurant armed with helpful information which gave me enough emotional stability to hold my own. I ate a salad, bread, chicken marsala and coffee with cream, enjoyed it all, and stayed within my boundary. I also ate this meal with someone who is a positive person and supportive friend. Yesterday I heard a discussion on television about helping yourself lose weight by staying away from toxic people. That is hard for me to do but I am getting better at it every day. Good food...good people...good rest...a recipe for a perfect day.

Day 20 First Day Of Spring!

I found a great quote from Ogden Nash..."Sure, deck your lower limbs in pants; Yours are the limbs, my sweeting. You look divine when you advance-Have you seen yourself retreating?"

And right there, despite all talk of health and exercise and calories and one's BMI...blah, blah, blah...is written in a concise manner, the way most of us want to feel about our bodies. On the first day of Spring, I shall give in to that superficiality and embrace it. I wish to be healthy and I wish to look good coming and going.

Day 19 Friday And The Looming Scale

I confess that I gave in this morning and climbed on to the scale. I admit it. I broke my scale fast. It happened to be a positive experience. I have now lost 27 pounds. I felt great as I looked at those beautiful numbers!

I enjoyed the baggy feeling of my jeans and reveled in the growing gap between my stomach and the buttons and zipper on the front. Those numbers will hold me emotionally for a couple of days. I will not get on the scale again until next week. Apparently I need to do a little check every four or five days to keep me on target.

I notice that when I do not check the weight I feel as if I am drifting emotionally. When I am not absolutely certain what I weigh, I get nervous. I have trouble believing that all my efforts are paying off. I do not have enough faith that by doing the right thing over and over again with food and exercise, I will eventually be successful. The scale looms over me as a mental salvation, a goad and also something fearful. I guess finding a balance between those three things is the trick.

Day 18 Shying Away From Success

As I was strolling down the hallway this afternoon, a workmate slid up next to me and said, "You are looking so good!" She followed up this comment with a question. "Are you doing something special...are you on some kind of plan?" Most people would be overjoyed in this moment of receiving such a compliment. For a split second, I was pleased. It always feels good to have someone notice one's efforts. However, in the seconds that followed, I realized something about myself all over again. I am an intensely private person. I want the success but I do not really want to talk about it. To take all my private moments, struggles, anxieties and discouragements about the area of weight loss and to quickly sum them up in a 10 second synopsis is profoundly unsettling. It rattles something in my spirit. I used to withdraw from other people to save myself these moments of social panic. I used to blame other people for being too intrusive. Now I know that most people are well-intentioned...not all, but most. Most people enjoy seeing someone succeed in a difficult area...not all, but most. I can safely assume that most of the people I work and play with are well-intentioned. I still remain intensely private and my radar is always up for people who do not have my best interests at heart. I am still honing my ability to catch the subtle difference between those who care and those who are just curious. But I realize that as I continue to lose weight, people are going to comment. I have to expect that and I have to get settled in my spirit and my new skin as I receive the compliments. And at this moment...I will let the anxiety resolve itself by taking a very long and delicious walk. I have eaten a moderate meal...imbibed a cup of fresh coffee...thought about things...and now I am ready to move again...

Day 17 Top Of The Morning!

I overslept this morning. In my book, there is nothing worse than starting the day off by hitting the ground running. I arrive at work with a general feeling of "blah"..."blah" with heart palpitations. That rushed feeling often leads to grabbing at food. I grab at food because I need strength. I grab snacks because I am trying to catch my breath. I am trying to fuel my mind to counter the unpleasant lurch into the day. I need to stop the lurching and grabbing and I need to settle down for a moment. I need to take a deep breath and I need to make sure that in the future, I do not oversleep!

I managed to get to work while balancing a Saint Patrick's Day pistachio cream cake in a cake holder in one hand and my work satchel in the other. I climbed three flights of stairs while greeting teachers and students. I had the cake sliced up and delivered by the time I had to be at work officially. I have to admit, I am pretty good at multi-tasking on difficult mornings such as today. However, it takes something out of me. That is the food lesson for today. Just because I can multi-task...does not mean that I should make it a regular event. The price I pay for that effort is mental consternation and anxiety. So in honor of my Irish heritage and of Saint Patrick...and in hopes for future better health, calmer days and less multi-tasking...Top of the morning to all and to all a balanced day.

Day 16 Candy On The Table

Yesterday afternoon, for the first time during Lent, I faced a real moment of temptation. I attended an after school meeting and some well-meaning soul had placed a pile of candy treats right smack in the middle of our table. I found myself sitting opposite a box of dots, a number of multi-flavored taffy chews, a "whole lotta" tootsie rolls-all assorted sizes and a delicious looking pile of tootsie pops and blow pops. The colors were so beautiful. The flavors beckoned to me. The afternoon light coming through the window danced so delightfully around and through the edges of the wrapping papers and white twist ties and the names of the flavors spelled out so tastefully on the waxed bits of paper. The worst time of day for me in every way possible is in the later afternoon...from about 3:30 until around 7:00 pm. I know this, but the mind is a difficult thing to subdue. Especially when I am staring at a plethora of sweets.

I am amazed how down I can feel at this time of day. This time for me is where the battlefield of the mind lies. All the unresolved unknowns about the future come out of hiding and swirl around in my head. I become fearful. I become sad. I become discouraged. I become disheartened. I become unmotivated. However, I feel that progress reared its head today. I knew that no matter how I felt, I did not want to turn to food. That is huge success right there. I don't have the answer as to what I should turn to instead of food (except for exercise), but I do know what I don't want to do...and that is overeat...even at 4 pm.

Day 15 Fasting From Speech And A Sabbath

Awoke this morning in absolute dread of going to work. I love my job but the noise level there is unbearable at times. I share a workspace with five other well meaning adults...all of whom bring their lives into that little cramped space. The hallways are filled with noisy students and equally noisy adults. In the middle of March, everyone is at various levels of burnout. We all suffer from a lack of quiet reflection.

I am going to attempt today to limit my speech. I have to be polite and I have to do my job but I do not have to engage in a large amount of extraneous chit chat which drains the energy out of me. It is almost Spring and I want to sit in shades of quiet bending blues and sunshine and contemplate what was in the winter and what is to come in the new and green fresh season.

I failed to truly honor the Sabbath yesterday. I was raised in a religious tradition which calls us to take one day a week to truly rest. This is an excellent idea. I am amazed how difficult it is to accomplish rest. Instead of resting, I spent time at the mall...baked two loaves of bread for friends...baked cookies for students...did my workout...talked on the phone...walked...drove...and in general, failed to shut things down for a 24 hour period. I can not eat my way out of this stress. I can not drink my way out of this stress. The only way out of this stress it to refuse to participate in the stress. I believe I have divine permission, and in fact an obligation to extricate myself from the pressure. It is profoundly counter-cultural...very un-American to say "no" to all these expectations. I will not fail to honor the Sabbath again. I held things together for one Sunday. I did not overeat. I can not guarantee that I could withstand the pressure again.

Day 14 Fasting From Media

I felt vulnerable this morning when I awoke. I felt fragile. I know I am not the only one to feel this way during the long doldrums of March, but I do not always know what to do about it. In the past I have tried to eat my way out of it. Today I looked around and realized that eating my way out of it is no longer an option. I am not someone who drinks her way out of anything. I can not hop on the scale either. I will not be using that little device again until April 1. What is an addict to do?

I decided to try fasting from all media for a 24 hour period. I will be honest and admit that I did not make my goal but I lasted for most of the day. Because it was a Sunday, I was able to be in a calmer place for a longer period of time and therefore I did not need to turn anything on to keep myself going. I did not turn on the TV. I did not use the radio in the car. I did not listen to any music. I resisted the stereo and the ipod. I did not use my computer either. However, I found it difficult to resist checking the latest email and Facebook posting.

Instead of allowing a steady stream of media noise or background music to pour over me, I sat down and did a lot of reading. I listened to the quiet noises in the house. I avoided all the news...war, domestic violence, crazy weather, financial woes and dishonest politicians. I escaped into good literature and I felt better.

My weak spot came later in the evening. In general, I find that my weakest times are in the early evening. I am no longer settled in my skin at that time. My defenses are worn down. I turn to noise to distract me. I turn to food to strengthen me. I gave in and turned on the TV. Very quickly after that I started checking my computer. Then I engaged in a lengthy phone call. As the evening progressed, the junk on the TV became more and more disheartening. I crawled into bed in a somewhat disturbed and unrested state. Too much noise is poison to me.

Day 13 Lost Without My Scale

Woke up this morning and my first thought was about my bathroom scale. My second thought was that I am fasting from my scale. I got up...visited the restroom...and headed quickly out to the kitchen to get my coffee. I knew that the first sip of that delicious brew would seal the deal for the day. I never use the scale unless it is first thing in the morning and when not one drop of anything has passed my lips. One sip down and I am released emotionally from the scale's pull. After I was sipping that dark liquid for a few minutes, and I felt that a measure of sanity was returning...I went back into the bathroom and looked at the scale. "Stronger measures are surely required here", thought I. I padded back out to the kitchen and found a shopping bag with strong handles. I placed the scale into the bag...bid a fond farewell and hung the bag with scale over a hook in the clothing closet where it shall stay until April 1. I gave a tug to a nearby turtleneck and a suit jacket and matching skirt set...pulling them around the hook to sufficiently cover up any temptation. My scale hangs in the closet and I am free to go about my day. I will be doing dinner and a movie with a friend today...dinner is at Applebees...looked up the menu online and found a series of delicious looking entrees which average around 550 calories. Knowledge is power. I will enter that restaurant this evening having already made a decision about what I will order. I need to avoid "surprise attacks" when it concerns restaurants and food. Everyone have a blessed and successful day as we wade together through the swamp of food, weight and scales...

Day 12 The Scale And Me

I made a decision, sometime in the rainy early hours this morning. I have been fasting from sugar, chips and alcohol during the Lenten season. However, I awake almost daily thinking about the scale. I decided I need to give it up for the next 19 days...until April 1. Anything which becomes a power over me, and by that I mean something requiring a disproportionate amount of mental time and energy, is something from which I need to fast. Fasting helps me to regain the upper hand over inanimate objects which rule my mind.

I have lost 24 pounds and I discovered that success has increased my desire to check out the numbers on the scale continually. The scale becomes the measure of my happiness and contentment. When the numbers go down, my day is filled with hope and joy. If the numbers rise for any reason (real weight gain, muscle weight, heavier food or water retention) then my day drags. I find it hard to go to work with a cheerful mindset. I feel less patient with friends and family. I have difficulty concentrating on the truth. The truth is that when I eat right and exercise, the healing happens...regardless of what the scale says. It just takes time.

Come to think of it...who really cares what the scale says? Ultimately, it does of course give an indication of overall health...but a .5 lb here and a .5 lb there becomes silly...and tyrannical. I am also learning to reject any worry about a doctor's opinion. I am not friends with my doctor. I have nothing to prove to my doctor. My weight is about me, myself and I.

So for the next 19 days...I am off the scale. There shall be moments when I hate this decision. However, it will do two things. It will force me to eat carefully, slowly and deliberately because I can't use the scale as my check. It will also force me to be patient...which is a core issue with food and overeating.

Day 11 Overcoming

Overcoming with love. Overcoming by giving of the self. Overcoming with faith. Overcoming by keeping my ultimate life goals in mind. Overcoming through joy and optimism. Overcoming with promises. Overcoming by living and feeding on the important things in life. Overcoming with assurance. Overcoming with endless patience and waiting and believing. Unlocking the door of a frozen heart and absorbing the warmth of success.

Day 10 When My Head Hurts

On days like today my head hurts. My head hurts because my hair is pulled back too far in a braid. My head hurts because I need new contacts. My head hurts because problems at school are not being handled in an appropriate manner. The frustration level among teachers is rising. Frankly, our district and its leaders are a collection of many minds with not a thought among them. There is no room for common sense and there is no room for the truth as to why our kids are failing. No one wants to address the family issue.

The idiocy of others does not give me allowance to fall off the wagon. I know that as I head home. I know that as I haul myself upstairs. I know that as I open the fridge and peer cautiously inside. I know that as I continue to make good choices. Why should I allow situations far beyond my control to have any control over my body, my health, my food intake and the longterm goals I have for myself? No more...

Day 9 Food Boredom

Eating the same thing day after day becomes boring...safe, but boring. Following any kind of routine day after day becomes boring as well. I have to stop and wonder why I think I need to be excited every day. What bothers me about keeping the same practice or routine? There are thousands of people who live very simple, very basic, and probably very boring lives. This is their experience and maybe their destiny... due to things outside their control...things like money, geography, education, war, gender or politics. Are their lives worth any less than mine because they appear to be less exciting? Are my food desires the center of the universe? Do I need to be stimulated each and every day with new food sensations to make my life worth living? Do these feelings come from my culture or from me?

One thing is clear. Because of American affluence, culture and access...we all expect to be able to eat something new and fascinating every day. We know that the options are there. I can choose Chinese, Italian, Japanese, German, Indian, American or almost any other kind of food I want. I can cruise through a fast food place and with the least amount of effort, have food handed to me through a window. All I need is a pocket full of change and a carb craving. I can go to Starbucks (which means that I have to leave the car) but I can indulge in a variety of excellent coffees. Gone are the days of Depression era 5 cent coffee. I can go to a cheap place like Aldis and hit the chip aisle...so many chip flavors...so little time. God save me from myself.

I am bored today with my food. However, I shall buck up and keep going.

Day 8 March Endurance

I feel draggy today. It is the month of March. Spring teases us but will not commit. The sunshine keeps shining but my bones are still chilled. The snow is melted off the sidewalks but there are still huge mounds of marshmallow fluff everywhere. Marshmallow fluff with bits and pieces of sticks and twigs mixed in...along with a muddy syrup. My lunches which I bring regularly to work, no longer appeal to me.

In the past, at this time of the year... I looked forward to a Saint Patrick's Day pistachio cake...with layers of cream frosting and coconut. Now the reader must know that this is a killer cake. I want to eat half of one of those cakes right now, and wash it down with a pot of strong coffee. Something stops me. I do not want to surrender the feeling of calm I feel right now. Even though I am stuck in the middle of that weird food tension...caught between wanting green pistachio cream frosting by the gallon and wanting my scale to dip next Monday when I weigh in...I make an active choice to stay in control.

How do I resolve this tension? I must endure to the end of the work day. Then I must endure a two hour meeting across town. I must endure the ride home. I must endure some time on the treadmill. I must have some coffee along the way.

March is the month of dragsville. The month of mud. The month of delayed pleasures on the way to Easter. The month of hope and hopelessness. The month of trees which will not bud...snow which will not go away...classes which will not end...people who are still there...talking AT me instead of WITH me, bothering me, bringing in chocolate bars to munch nearby as I work diligently on my lean cuisine.

I do not need to spend my days wishing I were somewhere else, eating something different, talking to someone I like, sleeping when I'm awake, sitting when I should be walking...etc. I do not want to live that way. So I am practicing a mindset of endurance. Something which is endurable is something which is capable of being endured...it is bearable. My life is a very easy one. This food business in the middle of the month of March is no big deal. Apparently, endurance means growing up. Maybe I shall do that...maybe in April?

Day 7 Sunshine On My Shoulder

Warm and teasing breezes. A muddy sidewalk. Watering plants in my home. Green candles lit. A visit from my parents. A Greek luncheon with a girlfriend. No food after 3 pm. Lots of water. Rested and quiet. Food in its proper place. Early to bed. A successful day. Let the new week begin.

Day 6 Little Bits of Information Here and There

Today the sun shines brilliantly! It is a precious gift after so many days of gray. Today is the sort of day in which everything runs smoothly and the gentle motions of the minutes and hours pull one to a quieter place where the thought of overeating brings no appeal.

I met a friend for breakfast in a suberb approximately 20 miles from my home. I chose to take the scenic route rather than the expressway. I drove at a comfortable pace, taking in the sunshine and the wide open fields...spotted white as the mounds of snow have begun to slowly vanish...patches of green and matted gray grasses peeked through. The air was fresh and I took deep breaths upon exiting my car.

We ate at a little hole in the wall. I wondered how I would handle the food in a place like this. Note to self: the anticipation of failure is an issue I need to continue to work on. I chose not to fail today despite the negative anticipation.

I opened the menu and discovered there were food choices of which I had a general "calorie sense". I made an approximate estimation of what I was eating. I controlled yet another food "situation" and I rejoiced! In addition, the conversation was warm and friendly and the little diner was filled with green Saint Patrick Day decorations. The waitress was pleasant and the coffee was fresh!

This afternoon, I strapped on my ipod and took a lengthy walk up the avenue, stepping in puddles and taking my time. It was a delicious walk. The promise of Spring and the sun, along with that walk have sealed the day's success.

Day 5 It All Stems From Control!

I am convinced that most issues in one's life boil down to control. There have been times in my life when I felt completely out of control. It was not always clear to me at the time that I felt that way. As I look back on some childhood incidents, I can see with 20/20 hindsight clarity that in my own vulnerable child-like way, I sensed that my person and my individuality were not respected. I felt something missing.

I am an introvert. This means that even though I enjoy people and experience social success, people drain me. When I need time to refresh, I find myself in social settings where my brain is no longer functioning. Conversations drone on interminably and I start limiting my responses to cliches. My heart is no longer engaged with the person. I know it is time to step away.

I have used overeating as a coping strategy for social exhaustion. I know that about myself. To stop overeating, I am learning to say no. Just last night, a friend with whom I have plans on Saturday morning, asked if I wanted to take in a movie as well. In days past, I would have said "Yes" simply to be nice. I took a deep breath and said politely "No...another time". There was a bit of a lurch in my heart as I realized I had disappointed her. I do not like to disappoint. I like to be liked. I feel that I have control and direction when I am liked. However, exhaustion is exhaustion and I have to understand my limits, to be able to keep control over my food intake.

When a visitor pops in earlier than expected, it tends to throw me off balance. Despite the surprise, I have to practice letting go emotionally while hanging on to the physical control. But I have to learn to believe that I can still be in control of my eating. I have to embrace imperfection and live with the tension. I have to stick with the plan as best as possible. Ironically, relinquishing some of this control means I gain another type of control. I find a more refined control...a healthier control.

News update...since August, I have lost 23 pounds and this morning I was able to wear some rings on my finger which did not fit well before. I feel good about that sort of control. I make an active choice to not control more than one thing or one hour at a time. I celebrate the wearing of the rings!

Day 4 Snacking Safely

Snacking saved my life yesterday. Lest that sound too dramatic, let me explain. Snacking in the car saved my weight and food plan for the day.

It was a very long day. I left school immediately and headed to a doctor's appointment. After that, I ran errands and eventually finished up with grocery shopping. I loaded the heavy bags of food into the back of the car. I got in to the front seat. I buckled myself in. I thought to myself, "If I do not get something to eat immediately, I am going to eat the door handle...and then I am going to start tearing through those blasted bags in the back of the car." I thought for a minute. I took my seat belt back off...opened the car door...hopped out...popped the trunk...and started pawing through the bags. I was looking for some sort of protein which would give me energy and would keep me on track. I found a healthy snack...pecans and a piece of swiss cheese.

I know it sounds weird that I managed to dig pecans and swiss cheese out of the back of my car. I know those foods are not as neat and easy as a protein bar and a bottle of water or an apple, neatly cut up into a ziplock bag. I was fresh out of protein bars and bottled water. I had failed to cut up apples and seal them neatly in a bag. I failed to be prepared like Martha Stewart. And yet...I succeeded. I stayed way below my calorie limit. I ate healthy food. I did not eat the door handle. I remembered to keep snacks in the car.

Day 3 Against the World

I just read an excellent quote from Willa Cather's (My Antonia). "These boys had no practised manner behind which they could retreat and hold people at a distance. They had only their hard fists to batter at the world with". Sometimes I feel that I am in attack mode...coming at the world with a pair of fists. The stresses of the job, the emotional ups and downs of various relationships all combine during the middle of the week and make me feel vulnerable. They make me want to strike out or crawl back into an emotional cave and hide. With that hiding and withdrawal often comes overeating.

I don't want to spend today battering at the world. I want to retreat and hold people at a distance but in a healthier way than previous times. I need a practised manner which allows me to have a sense of self-preservation. I want a sense of self which does not crumble once I am alone. The true test of someone's determination and character is when he or she is alone. Who am I when no one is looking? Do I preach exercise and vitamins when I am with friends and then collapse into a bag of chips and a bag of Hershey kisses when I get home? I may very well be tempted on a daily basis, but what do I do with that temptation? The problem is not the temptation, but rather in the capitulation.

I have some very discouraged friends right now and I want to support them. I have been there. I am still there only I am better than I was a few months ago. I have felt that despair of thinking, "I shall never lose weight. I shall never get back into those jeans. I shall never feel light and nimble again. I shall never be able to manage food with all the social connections and pressures. I shall never be comfortable with my body". At one's core, weight is not the real issue. I know some very skinny people who are terribly upset and insecure about their bodies. Thinking these things through at a deeper level is a healing place to begin. It has never been about the calories. We strive against the world with a calorie counter book, a bottle of water and inner clarity.

Day 2 Marching On

The sun is shining this afternoon and even the dirty snow looks better! I did two 20 minute segments on the treadmill last night. The thought of doing anything for a longer amount of time discourages me. I know what the problem is. I want to be walking outside. I want that delicious combination of mud smell, coldish/warmish air, sopping wet puddles and a clear sidewalk. I want my pant legs to be dripping by the time I get home. I want my facial skin to tingle and to glow with new Spring energy and improved circulation. I want to breathe deeply without feeling I have seared the bottoms of my lungs with bitter cold air.

I cannot walk outside at this point. There is not one smooth sidewalk or street patch due to recent snows. I tried over the weekend and almost fell several times. There was no ice, just patches of mounded snow and mud and upturned dirt which had frozen and re-frozen and stuck up with unpleasant jagged patches and sudden sloppy descents. Dangerous! I am fairly tall, so when I go down...I really go down. Back to the treadmill...blah!

Driving home tonight, I realized that it was still fairly light outside and the time was just a few minutes after 6 pm...a wonderful sign. I will try to hold off getting on the scale for the next couple of days. I am staying steadfast with my Lenten fast. I am being pro-active in eliminating stress. March forward!

March 1 The Green March to Victory

A new month and I confess I am elated! I hopped rather resignedly on the scale early this morning and discovered I broke the weight decade! I am one pound in...one single pound under the wire. I have been stuck at that number for months...and I suspect several years. I could not get over that hump.

I hate to admit that the loss of one single pound can have such an influence on my day, and yet it is true. I admit it! I love it! I absorb it! I accept it! 3,500 silly little units called calories are wiped off my slate. March is off to an excellent start.

I want to incorporate a significant amount of green vegetables into my diet. Not just to honor St. Patrick. Not just to celebrate Spring. I need green to build good health. Green is a tough job. Given the choice between pizza and spinach salad... green loses. Hmmm...steak or celery, french fries or green beans, grilled cheese or greek salad, corn bread or arugala...you get the picture. Resisting green foods, in part comes from winter cold. I desire starchy comfort food and most vegetables just can't satisfy me.

What a difference one day and one pound make. March promises Spring (despite the realities of many snowy days ahead). I bid a hearty adieu to the two coldest and most pyschologically difficult months in the world of weight loss. My feet are itching to get outside into fresh muddy Spring air, and away from the pounding of the treadmill. There is hope. A blessed Monday and a successful March to all involved in the struggle!