Day 5 It All Stems From Control!

I am convinced that most issues in one's life boil down to control. There have been times in my life when I felt completely out of control. It was not always clear to me at the time that I felt that way. As I look back on some childhood incidents, I can see with 20/20 hindsight clarity that in my own vulnerable child-like way, I sensed that my person and my individuality were not respected. I felt something missing.

I am an introvert. This means that even though I enjoy people and experience social success, people drain me. When I need time to refresh, I find myself in social settings where my brain is no longer functioning. Conversations drone on interminably and I start limiting my responses to cliches. My heart is no longer engaged with the person. I know it is time to step away.

I have used overeating as a coping strategy for social exhaustion. I know that about myself. To stop overeating, I am learning to say no. Just last night, a friend with whom I have plans on Saturday morning, asked if I wanted to take in a movie as well. In days past, I would have said "Yes" simply to be nice. I took a deep breath and said politely "No...another time". There was a bit of a lurch in my heart as I realized I had disappointed her. I do not like to disappoint. I like to be liked. I feel that I have control and direction when I am liked. However, exhaustion is exhaustion and I have to understand my limits, to be able to keep control over my food intake.

When a visitor pops in earlier than expected, it tends to throw me off balance. Despite the surprise, I have to practice letting go emotionally while hanging on to the physical control. But I have to learn to believe that I can still be in control of my eating. I have to embrace imperfection and live with the tension. I have to stick with the plan as best as possible. Ironically, relinquishing some of this control means I gain another type of control. I find a more refined control...a healthier control.

News update...since August, I have lost 23 pounds and this morning I was able to wear some rings on my finger which did not fit well before. I feel good about that sort of control. I make an active choice to not control more than one thing or one hour at a time. I celebrate the wearing of the rings!