Day 30 April Winds Down Graciously

The last day of April. The sun shone today and the fellowship among close friends was sweet and refreshing. Another trip to the chiropractor. A new pink linen blouse. Dinner with girlfriends at a Greek restaurant. A restful stroll along the canal. Two scoops of ice cream and a lot of pleasant chit chat. So much success walking hand in hand with struggle this month. So many lessons learned and old lessons re-learned. Old weaknesses re-exposed. Hope renewed. Change continuing. Growth, slow at times...pushing on. Blessings over the month of April. This month is finished. Let the merry month of May open brightly.

Day 29 The Blessings Of Conversation

I am really hungry right now. I have six minutes left until my self-imposed fast ends. The last six minutes seem to be the longest. I can feel the back of my stomach...actually, it is not that bad. I'm just a spoiled over-stuffed American who is experiencing just a touch of self-denial. I have kept this fast for 45 hours and it has been incredibly freeing...both physically and mentally. The 45 hours were all I needed to get back on track.

I had lunch with one of my 5th graders today. Actually, she ate lunch and I sipped a cup of tomato juice and a cup of cinnamon tea. Because I was not concentrating on stuffing my face, I was able to listen to my student more. The art of conversation is difficult for my students. They are trapped by violent video games, broken or strained family relationships and temptations from the street. They act tough but when they are alone with me for a half hour lunch...they clam up. Honest conversation is apparently too threatening.

I noticed what she was eating...foods heavy in processed carbs, sugar and salt and fat...even the milk was chocolate. Not only are the mean streets deadly...the very food my students place in their mouths is harmful. A couple of years ago, I even had a first grader with high blood pressure due to obesity. I can't force them to be healthy because I can barely do it myself. But I can talk to them, pull them out of the crowded and excessively loud cafeteria, treat them like the human beings they are and limit my eating long enough to engage them and listen to them.

Day 28 Stop The Train, I Want To Get Off!

I reached a tipping point last night. I fudged and cheated and slacked off for the two plus weeks after Easter. I kept it together but just barely and it was making me very nervous. When I get nervous, I get stressed and then I start eating for comfort and I stop exercising and it is a surprisingly quick derailment. So I decided to keep a modified fast. It started last night at 9pm and will end tomorrow at 6pm. That will be just enough time for me to think things through again and for my body to get a needed rest. I have felt that my body was asking me to stop eating. Short and simple...just stop putting things in your mouth!

What is a modified fast? Just light liquids. I take in calories but they are liquids such as skim milk, coffee, tomato juice, fruit juice and lots of water. I get enough calories to keep my blood sugar even and to allow me to function well at work. Actually, as the day progresses, I have more and more energy. My clothes get less and less tight. My head is clear. I feel that I am back in control again. The derailment has stopped.

Day 27 Struggling...Struggling...

I hate imperfection. I hate it because I can't control it. Because of deeply held spiritual beliefs, I know that we were never meant to deal with imperfection and so I keep fighting it and reaching little peaks and then sliding into dips and valleys...and returning to old habits and then stopping them again. Today has been another weird one. Awoke to snowflakes and a stiff wind! The beautiful purple lilac bushes shivered in the wind. I climbed back into a pair of jeans and a wool sweater. I got to work and someone had brought in an amazing cake. Because of the cold, I gravitated toward carbs but kept things fairly under control. I drank 4 cups of hot cinnamon tea. I listed to a workmate drone on and on about diabetes and insulin and obesity in our culture. I sat there with my cake and tea and became thoroughly annoyed by him...but it doesn't take much for this person to hit my buttons. He/she is a true source of stress for me.

Walked 30 minutes and thank the dear Lord...a desired friendship is blooming...the desire to bring my life back into control has returned...toward perfection again I go...tomorrow is a new day...

Day 26 Working At Redemption

I did not sleep well last night and I felt quite terrible in the morning...exhausted upon standing, and slightly tentative. Then, even after coffee and a decent breakfast...I began to feel slightly "tilted"...a little queasy in the head and stomach. I think it was too much of a shock to get up so early after a week's break and with little sleep. I wobbled off to work and discovered as I often do on gray and cold Mondays that my battle with food had only just begun.

I drank a lot of herbal tea, which soothed the stomach. I ate a significantly sized bowl of vegetables...as planned (see recent blog on vegetables)...and I gave in to some coffee in the afternoon. I did not overeat but my heart was not at all committed to food fidelity. Had someone placed a large bag of chips on my desk, it would have been demolished. I had a two hour meeting after school (a spanner in the works emotionally) and then headed home.

I said as I climbed the stairs, "I shall not count another blasted calorie today"...and I did not. I ate my 200 calorie sushi (but did not journal it)...then I headed for the New York rye bread and the pepperoni slices...nuff said. I had some milk and then found the large caramel latte candy bar waiting for me in the silverware drawer...where else would it be? I ate half of it and then thought about how I was beginning to feel...not sick, but certainly on the way if I did not stop...so I took a deep breath and stopped. I re-wrapped the candy bar and headed out for a walk...it took a lot of mental effort. I am a perfectionist...I seek the perfect calorie count for each day followed by the perfect exercise experience...I hate dragging my body along after having stuffed my face...forced redemption...I walked 90 minutes in a cold breeze so I suspect the damage was minimal...salvation does not come easily some days.

Day 25 Time Out

Tired of counting calories. Tired of thinking about food. Tired of exercise. Tired of wondering (just for fun) how many calories are in the two plates of food I ate today from Mario's fabulous Sunday brunch...yikes!

I have chopped up an entire pot of fresh vegetables and sauce...only 660 calories...will drag it to work tomorrow. But, I'm still tired. Where is my break...my way out? Oh...Sabbath rest...ahhh...and thank You!

Day 24 All Hail The Simple Vegetable

Headed off to the local public market this morning and I am now the owner of about a thousand pounds of fresh, locally grown vegetables. I have to admit that I am excited. I have known for a long time that my diet was lacking in the vegetable department...but the question that dogged me was how to get it all in? I have decided that for now, I will buy jars of tasty sauce and then shall chop mucho vegetables and eat the sauce with veggies and rice. Calories count of course so it will be less rice and more vegetable. I would like to get 3-5 cups of veggies a day into my diet...impossible? No...very un-American? Yes. The farmer at the market who sold me three heads of cabbage for an incredible 1$ agreed with me that had one been living on pizza...there would not be enough German in that person to find a way to eat 3 heads of cabbage...and yet, I shall try. It may kill me dead..but I need a good vegetable boost. I will die healthy!

Day 23 Serve At Room Temperature

Okay. I am finishing up what needs to be the LAST piece of birthday cake in what has turned out to be a week long food fest. I am all about celebration but I need to be done. That food is so good going down my gullet but I have reached a point where I am breaking even...eating and walking to cover the calories and eating some more and then wondering if I can get enough walking in to cover the next batch of calories coming my way. I'm starting to move into that sugar and salt ying yang thing. I continue in this new year with the goal of losing just one pound a week. I need endurance. I need stamina. I need a new way of thinking. I need to revive some positive eating habits I have learned. I need to find some new ones. I need to shed some bad old habits which like to re-surface from time to time. Blessings on this new year...minus week one and away with the stored cake in the fridge!

Day 22 Winds Of Change

The temperature dipped suddenly today. Once again we were subjected to a 25-30 degree plunge in just a short time. I headed out today to take a 30 minute walk and realized half way through the walk that I was way under dressed. I froze...I was uncomfortable throughout the entire excursion. The next 30 minutes will take place with me wearing a much heavier jacket.

Here is the good news. I considered these different jackets I wear. All of them...a black tailored raincoat, a blue corduroy barn jacket, a leather jacket, a fitted black dress coat with a mink collar, an Abercrombie and Fitch stadium jacket, a shearling coat and a brown wool peacoat are all clothing items I have not been able to wear in the past. Now they are all "over large" for me in varying degrees. Zippers now zip and flop at angles. Buttons which used to strain, now hang in relaxation. Coats designed to show off one's waist now do just that. Hips and belly are covered appropriately. I can sit down without fear that a button shall leap off the cloth. Success! I shall have to replace these lovely clothing friends in time. For now, I shall wear them and rejoice for as long as I can. When I start to look shabby, sloppy and too much of a caricature...I shall hand them all over to the Salvation Army...God bless them. Thank you coats for fitting. Thank you body for healing. Thank you mind for adjusting. Thank you winds of change for blowing through.

Day 21 The Need For Speed

In just a couple of days, because of walking and calorie counting, I was able to shed several pounds. Exercise is the key. However, I also have to deal with the food problem. Still struggling with it today...was good all day and then stepped right back into the social problem of parties and eating out. My eating at the restaurant was not too bad but I always struggle with portions. I do not want to eat the whole meal because I know I will be too full. However, if I don't box it and take it home, I know I am throwing money (and good food) away. However, if I take it home, I feel obligated to eat it fairly soon and I have no idea what the calorie content is for any random restaurant item such as two slices of gourmet pizza or a leftover salad and a slice of bread. I want to be able to count calories as much as I can because that is where I find I have the most control and it is where I feel the most emotionally safe. When am just "out there" with food choices and unknown calorie content, I feel nervous and borderline out of control. When I get nervous, I feel stress. When I get stressed, I just want to hide...crawl back in to bed...with something to eat...no exercise...hide...and feel terrible. So...what to do...tomorrow is a new day, thank God. Give me the grace to feel safe.

Day 21 Moving Right Along

Two days in a row I have walked 2 hours. It feels wonderful. It is tremendously satisfying to lie down at night after a hot bath, controlled and healthy eating and a whole lot of exercise. I sleep like a dead log. I awaken sore in the legs, but refreshed in the body and mind. My skin looks better and better...can't quite pin down the difference...the skin texture seems different and smoother...there is a glow. My system has "regulated" itself again because of all the water drinking. My mood is elevated. My thoughts are clearer. I am more willing to be patient with irritating people and I am more willing to extend myself...to do things for others...because I have more energy. Hour by hour...day by day.

Day 19 New Day

Got myself turned around today. The two weeks between Easter Sunday and my birthday were tricky going. Too much food, too many choices, too much social stress, too much sugar.

Today's formula was fairly simple...I have made weight loss far too complicated in the past. I walked 2 hours today...4 groups of 30 minutes...breathing in the amazing and fresh cold spring air. I tipped my head back and let the air whip my hair around. I enjoyed the bright blue sky and the white tree blossoms. I counted my calories as best as I could. It is always harder to track food and caloric intake when surrounded by family and friends, and yet, social isolation...being alone so that I can protect myself and control every calorie...is not a healthy option.

I have many social obligations and opportunities this week. It will be a step by step, minute by minute and hour by hour healing process as I enjoy my friends and good times.

I drank a lot of water today and it is amazing how much smoother my skin feels. I finished eating by 7pm. I celebrated the end of the day with a hot bath and a good book. Avoiding emotional conflict (especially when it is not necessary...such as trying to change a family member) is healing and calming. If I sense stress connected to this process...I will walk away from the healing. My goal is to lose just one pound this week and to enjoy the process. Today was a good and happy day.

Day 18 The Face In The Mirror

Today was a very fattening day due to birthday celebrations. But I did reach the end. It is 11:05pm and I just finished eating a large and very delicious piece of chocolate/raspberry birthday cake. I really enjoyed all the food today and I am going to list some of the things so I can look at it in black and white...quiche, maple bacon, a blueberry muffin, coffee with cream...a fabulous brunch at a favorite restaurant...Italian meatballs, Swedish meatballs, lasagna, crab cakes, cherry blintzes, strawberries with cream and cream puffs, salad with lots of bleu cheese dressing...and on and on...it was all good. I looked carefully at my face in the mirror this evening and I did not like what I saw...in fact, I got a little bit nervous. My skin looks not quite as smooth due to what I have been eating. I have not been drinking enough water and that makes my skin look more worn. I have put on a couple of pounds and I can see it in a rounder face...a little bit more of a chin...a broader look and feel...and I do not like it. I start over tomorrow because I feel as if I have lost my edge, my power, my enjoyment, my energy and my joy. Don't get me wrong...I am balanced but I can so easily lose it. I have to drink tons of water. I have to count calories. I have to exercise. The solution is within my grasp...Happy Birthday to me and let the new year commence!

Day 17 A New Day Dawns

A wonderful Saturday...slept late and then, of course got on the scale...blah...but my eating was controlled today...and here is why...a relationship is blooming and I feel so good about it that I was resolved once again to take care of myself. Got a manicure and pedicure today. Then I got my hair done...and I must say it looks good! Ate more carefully and much more slowly...headed home to visit family...back home and basking in the glow of a safe place. I am looking forward to my birthday...milestones and celebration...

Day 16 Imperfections And A Thankful Spirit

The Friday evening before my birthday on Sunday...the weather has turned again...just sitting here thinking about all the things I have to be thankful for despite the imperfections of the body, weight, skin or anything else which I can think about. So here I go...I need to practice the "attitude of gratitude"...a surprise birthday dinner with my sister, laughter, a good car, chanel perfume and lotion, a beautiful apartment, television, good wine, birthday cards from friends at work, bakery treats from Savoia (a gift from Edgar), a pound cake (a gift from Leticia), cream cheese cupcakes (a gift from Angie)...can you see how work is a very fattening place?

I am grateful for...a light spring rain, a week of vacation, more birthday cards from my students, my family, a new haircut, a manicure and pedicure, dinner plans with friends next week, hugs, birthday greetings, a comfortable bed, new sheets, vitamins, books, a new coffee pot, movies, friends...on and on it goes...never, ever complain...one goal for the fast approaching new year is to spread this wealth around to others...weight loss should come with it...I am convinced that the more I get my mind off myself, the more I let go of whatever it is which has held me in the area of weight loss...happy birthday to me and to my body and to my health and to all the new people who will soon be part of my joy and my life...

Day 15 Eyebrows Done...Time To Regroup

I felt awful this morning. I binged last night and I did it knowing I would pay the price. I did. Physically, I felt horrid. Mentally, I knew I would make it. I got back on the scale. My only goal is to hold this particular weight for three days until my birthday.

I controlled my eating, but my heart was not in it. I looked at my food journal around 12:30pm and wrote down..."stop eating". Writing down the words helped. I still felt sick. After work, I went and got my eyebrows done. I looked great and I felt much better. I then joined a good friend for dinner at a Thai restaurant...ate in a healthy manner. I realized I was being stared at by a very good looking man in the restaurant. I felt better...shallow, I know...but I felt better all the same. I came home and decided that I did not need to eat anymore. How I am driven back and forth by my emotions...

I am settling down for the evening. Little by little, I am pulling myself back together again. I did not binge today. Tomorrow, I will get my hair done. Saturday morning, I will get a manicure/pedicure. Sunday is my birthday and I start over with a wonderful dinner party and a new milestone. It is good to come home. It is healing to know oneself. I have great hope for this new year.

Fear, Fast Food, Sunshine and Hormones

Weighed down this evening under a pile of emotions...I knew I would experience days such as these when I started this blog and as much as I hate failure, I know that writing about these ups and downs is what brings healing. I fear being rejected by a man I like. I fear being pursued by a man I am not interested in. I am disappointed because a man, who has expressed a lot of interest in me has been silent for several days. It makes me nervous, sad, fearful and...I eat. As I indulged in a McDouble, a small fries, an Abbots's cherry shake, a piece of chicken cheese pizza and several glasses of wine...I remembered that I did the same thing a number of years ago when a bumpy relationship I had with a man, ended for good. At that point, I had lost a lot of weight and felt and looked excellent. And still the man would not be faithful...so I rationalized (in my deep soul core) that it did not matter and over time, went back to old habits and regained the weight. I will not (with God's help) do that again. No person is worth it. I must do this for me...not to catch the eye of someone.

The weather was superb this afternoon. I visited my back doctor this afternoon and ran into an old male friend...spent a good amount of time talking to him. It was so nice to be appreciated by a good man (who also struggles with weight!). We stood in the blessed sunshine for a good half hour. Positive happy!

I recognized a number of hormonal symptoms this afternoon...the change in facial skin, extreme exhaustion, cravings for junk food, wanting to remove myself from everything and everybody...even the sunshine could not fix this. I have come home for the evening. I am planted in front of the TV. I am not going to walk today. I am too tired. I am too tired because I ate junk food. I ate junk food because I fear being rejected and because of PMS. I fear being rejected because I am not my ideal weight. I am not my ideal weight because of these dips in the road due to PMS. The cycle is frightening! So I am going to bed early. I will start over tomorrow. I need milestones. My birthday is on Sunday. I have three days to get myself re-balanced. I know that there will be a surge of a fresh start on my birthday.

Day 13 The Fat Winter Closet

I am sitting here having eaten a frozen pizza, 20 rice cake chips, 5 pieces of leftover Easter candy and I will probably have some wine later. However, lest one think I have thrown all good intentions overboard...I have not. I have walked 30 minutes. I am about to walk 30 more. I have worked all day. I have completely cleaned out my closet and taken a lot of "no longer fits" fat winter clothing to the Volunteers of America. I lugged some things upstairs to the attic. I thought about the fact that my birthday is in four days and I felt happy, excited and hopeful. The extra calories have energized me. I feel at peace emotionally.

This is huge success for me. In past days, if I had eaten the above snacks/foods...I would have crawled into my head emotionally. Then I would have crawled into my bed and done... NOTHING! I would have continued to eat and eat and eat until I felt sick. There would have been no exercise, no closet cleaning, no positive mood...despair and gross feelings from a bloated gut, gas and digestive trouble, depression, discouragment and anger. Now I feel that I can cut myself some slack...no excuses to eat like this every day...but the reaction to the extra food is what is key. I know I can have days when I overeat and it does not mean that everything has to shut down. I no longer have to live an "all or nothing" life. I can get up tomorrow and start over. It can be done. I am so happy with today's success. And my closet is looking really good...lots more room!

Day 12 A Good Day

It was a pretty good day for a Monday. I was "in the zone". I stuck to my calories. I walked 35 minutes. I drank a ton of water. I was at work until 6:15 and did not lose my mind or my plan. I got called "skinny" by a male friend at work...always good. I did a smart thing and introduced a coffee pot to my classroom. Now my room smells like double chocolate fudge coffee. I got the caffeine punch without the calories. I was not tempted to doze off in the early afternoon. I discovered (again!)...that when I am feeling a little bit down, a 30 minute walk is all I need to turn things around. I ate low calorie sushi in the evening and a lot of protein. I need that spicey wasabi mustard and good flavors in general! A good day...off to take a hot bath and then I am crawling into bed! Well done!

Day 11 People Who Comment

Most people mean well most of the time. I choose to think this because to assume otherwise would make an average day pretty unhappy. I have lost 32 pounds and people are bound to say something about it. There are some statements with which I struggle. When someone looks at me and says, "You look wonderful. Keep going!"...I know what they mean, but it is that little "umph/ouch" at the end of the sentence about "keeping going" which stings a touch. I know I have not yet reached my ideal weight. I know what they mean. I know I need to keep going. I just don't want anyone to say it to me. I am not in denial. I am in refusal. I don't want to be told what I already know. I don't want those words put out into the air. Most assuredly this has something to do with my pride!

When a friend wants me to get up and dance at a party, and when I refuse this friend counters with "...but it is such good exercise!"...it feels like a jab. I know that dancing is good exercise. I don't want that statement put out into the air. My exercise of choice is a good long walk. I don't want more options, thank you! I can dance and I sometimes do. However, most times I reserve the right to not take my exercise in high heels...too dangerous.

Once in awhile some well meaning soul will say, "You are looking so good"...I know what they mean. But then I confess I stop to wonder what the heck I looked like before and then I remind myself that I did want to alter my looks to a certain extent by losing weight and then I realize I just don't want to be reminded that I needed to lose weight in the first place. So I smile and assume the best and continue on. Sigh. I need to be less sensitive. If someone came up to me and said, "You look terrible...when are you going to do something about your weight?"...I would know exactly where I stood with him or her. So forward I go...into a new week..."you look marvelous, dahling..." Thank you.

Day 10 Plugging On And Enjoying The Positive

A beautiful Saturday morning. It is cold but sunny. I had a bit of a food relapse last night but I continue to hang in there with a 32 pound loss. I must confess all that I ate. I know why I did it. The weather changed drastically. I spent the whole day wrapped up in jeans and a sweater and I was still freezing. I was very tired after a long work week. Suffered through all the usual drama at work. Ran a lot of errands last night. Was uncertain about a certain blooming relationship. Sister came over last minute and colored my hair. Social interaction makes me want to eat and drink more. Crawled into bed with a guilty conscience and a generally blah feeling, but with the knowledge that these days sometimes happen and if they are few and far between, one can survive it! The scale proved that this morning!

Here is the confession! I started the day out fairly well. I had coffee, juice, toast, cheese, nuts. Lunch was okay...dried fruit and a sandwich. Early afternoon, I began to fade slightly. I had cheese and crackers, peanuts and a big cup of coffee. Later I had a protein bar. So far, so good. But by that time emotionally, my heart was no longer inspired. I got home and that was the end...2 pieces of marzipan, 1 glass of wine, 20 rice cake chips, nuts, cheese, bread, 2 pieces of chocolate, a huge piece of pizza (I shudder to think...) and 2 more glasses of wine...okay. That was not the worst binge I have ever done, believe me so I know I am getting better. I have confessed it...I am very sure that will not happen again for a long time. I do not like the way I feel when I do that. I sense myself stepping two toes over the line into discouragement and depression...not worth it. Back on track today...just completed a brisk walk and ate strawberries and yogurt! Good.

Day 9 Weight Is A Fair Weather Friend

The temperature dipped radically this morning. We have been enjoying bright and sunny days with heat. This morning it was in the low 40's, with a stiff breeze, the threat of rain and a gray cloud cover over everything. I wanted to stay home in warm bedclothes, curled up in bed with a good book and a cup of coffee. Instead, I did the mature thing and went to work.

I have struggled with food since I got here. I want to eat heavy starchy things. I do not want fruit or salads. I know I need protein and lots of liquid. I want pizza, chocolate, doughnuts, bagels drowning in cream cheese and coffee which has more cream in it than coffee. So...I settled on a package of peanuts (280 calories) and a package of peanut butter crackers (130 calories) and I am going to go out to get a cup of hot coffee. I am sitting here, getting in touch with my stomach and I realize that I am full. I am fine.

Yesterday, I bought cream at the store and brought it to work so that I can control the calories...along with a set of measuring spoons. It sounds funny but these little areas of control are the mini-skirmishes which, when added up, mean that an entire battle has been won...each battle represents a pound, in my thinking. I wonder how many food mini-skirmishes equal one battle/one pound? Hmmm...

I am going to go buy a new coffee maker this weekend and bring the old one to work so that I can brew my own coffee here. It will save money, wear and tear on my car and it will make my classroom smell wonderful. Sometimes just smelling wonderful things is all that it takes to move me away from eating. I am freezing right now, but I know that the weather will improve next week. I hang on to that thought for now...plus the thrill of buying a new coffee maker!

Day 8 Vegetables...What To Do?

I have a hard time getting enough vegetables in my diet. Vegetables are just too complicated. It does not seem right to me that something I should be building my entire diet around, is the hardest thing for me to eat. I like fresh vegetables. I love a good olive bar. I enjoy summer salads with all kinds of wonderful and healthy ingredients. I love eating something I know is full of anti-oxidants. Vegetables fight cancer. Vegetables make my skin look great. Vegetables provide good roughage. Vegetables keep weight and blood pressure low. Vegetables do not block my arteries. However, vegetables come in chunks and bags and lumpy bulk and with skin on. Vegetables require chopping and cutting and peeling and washing...and I just know I am not going to do any of that at the end of the work day. I have been drinking glasses of V-8 juice...baby steps. I am hoping with the warmer weather and during the summer when I have a little more time, I will discipline myself enough to go to our local public market and load up. I find it difficult to count calories with vegetables. I know I can do it, but it means measuring things out in cups and bagging things and freezing things. I guess I am just lazy. I think I shall stick to canned vegetables and V-8 for now. Sigh.

Day 7 The Rinse Cycle

I have just completed the first week in this new month. I have lost 31 pounds. The world looks good to me right now. I got more compliments at work today. I am learning to accept them with grace and to enjoy them without saying anything silly.

The weather is rainy and gray and slightly windy again...fairly blah. I did a lot of grocery shopping after work and saved myself by eating an appropriate amount of peanuts (for protein) in the car. I need to remember that I always need to keep a snack in the car. One never knows...

I got home. I thought about taking a walk. I looked out the window and knew that I did not want to. I thought about doing my weight training and decided that I did not want to. I ate a big bowl of strawberries...only 100 calories and very tasty. I thought about eating more. No. I thought about all the compliments today and I know that I do not want to get off track again. It has happened too many times in my life. So...even though it is early, I am tired...it is the middle of the week...it is gross outside...I am headed to take a hot bath. I have a new nightgown and a new pair of matching slippers. I am going to crawl into bed with a good film and enjoy myself...with no food. Another crisis averted! So nice to short circuit the diet/exercise rinse cycle...

Day 6 Tuesday...Afternoon

The sun has gone under the clouds and moved away from the center of the city where I find myself this afternoon. Sunless. Slightly gray and rainy. Generally blah. Tired of people. This is the time when I often turn to food for excitement. I wonder if I will always experience these daily lulls when I feel no inspiration at all?

Food can be exciting. Food can draw me out of myself for a few minutes and make me feel really good. The problem with binge snacking or binge anything is that once the binge is over, one knows that it was not worth it. In fact, it is usually more than "not worth it"...something which started out so good, with spit-fire quickness evolves into a monster which threatens health, wealth, good choices, good relationships, success and joy. Wow...should any item of food ever hold that much power over me?...Easter peeps? A frozen burrito? A bag of salt and vinegar chips? A chocolate covered cherry? An over-priced and over-sugared coffee drink from Starbucks? Really? There is more to me than just the bumpy tastebuds on my tongue.

I need to make a list of 1,000 things to do besides eat. In fact, I think I shall find a list on the internet today and start acting on it. I know I will not overeat today because I do not want to...even though I am bored. I know I will exercise today because my Ipod is charged up and ready to go. The weather is boring but not bad, so I have no real excuse. I know I shall follow my same routine today because I see day after day that is working. I am still hanging with a 30.5 pound loss. Tuesday afternoon...not that exciting but worth living to the best degree I can.

Day 5 The Danger Of Losing It

The other evening, I watched a disturbing program about addiction. These were alcohol and drug addictions. But as I watched and listened to what the people were saying, I was struck by the similarity between any addiction...alcohol, sex, drugs, pornography...and yes, food. An addiction is something which has taken over one's life and emotions. Plain and simple.

I celebrated Easter yeterday and allowed myself to enjoy sweets and one glass of wine and I did not exercise. I have to admit, by mid afternoon I was feeling slightly nervous...nothing serious, just a little warning voice in the back of my head...a quiet warning. I admitted to a friend that I felt I was at risk of losing control. I feel better today because I went right back to no sugar and no alcohol. I skipped a meeting after work so that I could go home and get in an hour walk. My health comes first. To heck with some of these meetings. My quality of life is more important.

I know that I am always at risk of "losing it". I can fall off the wagon at any time. The chemical addiction to chocolate and chips is not as strong as alcohol or stronger substances...this I know. However, I know myself well enough to understand that I cannot ever be arrogant about food. I can never afford to sit back and assume that I will never binge again, nor can I let go (for now) my exercise structure, my food journal and calorie counting. Pride goeth before a fall...such is life.

Day 4 The Necessity And Risk Of Celebration

Easter Sunday. The Lenten Season is done. I am free from my obligations. I gave up all sugar, chips and alcohol for Lent. This time has been wonderful and healing. However, for days I have wondered how I would handle the Easter Sunday food issue. I knew there would be some amazing food on the table. I was right.

Celebration is crucial to leading a meaningful life. However, our culture (in my experience), is one which supports celebration/entertainment all the time, for any reason. Certainly, I have handled food in a similar manner...all the time, no restraint, whatever I want, for any reason...don't tell me no. That approach is done for me. I no longer want to be a slave to food.

I started the morning with a small piece of raspberry kuchen. It was delicious and really sweet. One slice was all I wanted. I moved on to a church breakfast...I focused on protein and some carbs and coffee...no sugar. I felt good. We moved on to Easter lunch. I had promised myself two small sweets for dessert. I had an amazing slice of coconut cake and a slice of pistachio cake. I focused on the ham, the vegetables, the olive bar, some rolls (with no butter) and strong black coffee. It was very satisfying. I had a small snack in the evening. I allowed myself two pieces of Easter candy...a dark orange chocolate and a piece of marzipan...so good. It was all I wanted. I wrote everything down and read it at the end of the day. It was a very small amount when I compared it to what I used to eat. As I blog, I am looking at an Easter basket sitting happily on the top of my fridge...I have no desire to dive into it. I shall enjoy that candy...one piece at a time.

Celebration is necessary. It is risky because I let go of my control...but not too much...just a little...always risky, always worth it...always risky...a delicate dance around the Easter basket...Happy Easter!

Day 3 Chocolate Chips

I took a long walk today while basking in bright sunlight and heat. I enjoyed kicking at mounds of dust instead of mounds of snow. It was a delightful day as I collected dirt between my toes and on my flip flops and felt the warm wind on my face.

Normally I am irritated when I am stopped by people on my walks. As I wandered through my hometown, I was flagged down by two people in cars who wanted to chat. Our conversations were delightful. Later, I thought about those two individuals. They are both cancer survivors...one of skin and ear, one of breast and bone. Both were beaming, smiling, happy, positive...full of good humor, defiant, surviving, hopeful and rejoicing...happy to see me. As I continued walking I thought about the varying degrees of hardship that human beings are given...at times those hardships seem unfair, arbitrary, random, stupid...undeserved. I thought about my struggle with weight loss. Weight loss was put into its proper place today...there are no excuses and there is no room for complaint...let the chocolate chips fall where they may...

Day 2 Heat Wave

It is only the second day of April and the temperature reached 86 degrees. It was a true shock to the system. I wore flip flops and a light shirt, but I could not quite believe the weatherman, so I wore jeans. As I ran around doing errands, hopping in and out of the car, I could not believe how hot I was getting. It was a good reminder to keep working this plan of exercise, good foods and weight loss. I want to feel good in those summer clothes. "Summertime and the living is easy..."

I was looking for an Easter outfit and I took a stroll through my closet. I had no hope at all that I would find anything. I planned to go shopping. Lo and behold, I found a beautiful blouse (brand new and never worn...because it did not fit when I bought it...a bad habit I indulge)...and it fit!!

Now I am facing the weird reality of knowing that there are a number of items in my closet which are too large. I paid good money for those clothes! A lot of those clothes have not been worn much. I cannot use those unused garments as an excuse to stop making progress. Maybe I should have some things remade? Still don't know what to do about all that Easter bread, kuchen and candy on Sunday...

Day 1 April Commences

A new month. A beautiful day. Lots of sunshine. A long walk in the warm evening air. There is a growing hope of love lingering on the edges of my mind and in unspoken words, moist from my lips. My spirit is renewed. April is my birth month and I sense re-birthing. "Always Marry An April Girl"...a poem penned by Ogden Nash.

Ogden Nash continues..."Praise the spells and bless the charms, I found April in my arms. April golden, April cloudy, gracious, cruel, tender, rowdy; April soft in flowered languor, April cold with sudden anger, ever changing, ever true--I love April, I love you". And thus this lovely new month begins.

Day 31 The Long March Endeth

This month is over. It was a good one. I lost 8 pounds, did a ton of walking and a lot of weight training. My overall weight loss since September is 30.5 pounds. Hooray! I survived Lent, pistachio cakes, random snacks at various work meetings, the candy jar at work, trips to visit my family and piles of Easter candy. I am done and I feel great about letting this month be put to rest. I look forward to a fresh start tomorrow!