The end of the month. With the arrival of the 28th of February, I can say gladly that I accomplished what I set out to do. I blogged daily about the weight struggle...and I lost weight. Mission accomplished (for this month, anyway).
Within one month's time, there is such ebb and flow...cycles begin and end...the moon waxes and wanes...bills find themelves paid...celebrations are enjoyed...birthdays and important dates swim past one in a whirlwind of action, subtle glances, whispered words, social nuance and midnight reflection. Living gets done.
To exit this white cold month of February with significant weight loss is to accomplish a difficult task and I am satisfied. Since August 20, I have lost 20 pounds. With grace, I will never relocate them. I survived the Bermuda Triangle of weight gain (Thanksgiving, Christmas, the New Year). I entered and exited the Super Bowl, experiencing no significant damage. Valentine's Day reared its dark chocolate covered cherry head and slipped quietly away until another year. This month with winter memories is past. March looms green and hopeful. Blessings to all who enter this awaiting adventure.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Day 27 Winter Feed
It is stunningly beautiful outdoors on this last Saturday in February...a gift as we wind down the month. Sent the two nieces and one nephew home this morning after a breakfast of chocolate chip muffins, eggs, bacon and bagels. I enjoy watching them eat. They are not children with hearty appetites but they do enjoy what they eat. They eat in a manner I wish to emulate. Taking their time, they express admiration of the food presented. They chew slowly and talk with each other...savoring the smells and flavors and the company. There are the usual sibling spats, but conversation leans toward gentle and thoughtful interaction.
I want to eat in a gentle and thoughtful manner. The goal when one is seated at the dinner table is not to see who can devour the largest amount of food in the shortest amount of time. It is, after all most likely that I shall see food tomorrow. I am not experiencing war time rationing. I am not required to drink ersatz coffee or count out coupons for butter, sugar and eggs. Perhaps such a sad day may arise. But for now, my food does not need to be treated as if it were sacks of horsefeed and I am the horse running pell mell down the track to the stall to get first dibs.
Stop. Slow way, way down. Breathe in. Enjoy. Partake. Be fed at multiple levels, not just physically. Enjoy the quiet of a winter feed.
I want to eat in a gentle and thoughtful manner. The goal when one is seated at the dinner table is not to see who can devour the largest amount of food in the shortest amount of time. It is, after all most likely that I shall see food tomorrow. I am not experiencing war time rationing. I am not required to drink ersatz coffee or count out coupons for butter, sugar and eggs. Perhaps such a sad day may arise. But for now, my food does not need to be treated as if it were sacks of horsefeed and I am the horse running pell mell down the track to the stall to get first dibs.
Stop. Slow way, way down. Breathe in. Enjoy. Partake. Be fed at multiple levels, not just physically. Enjoy the quiet of a winter feed.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Day 26 A Snow Job
There is nothing better in the life of a teacher than to awaken to a snow day...what bliss! No valid excuses not to de-stress. No valid excuses not to exercise!
I am watching the gently floating snowflakes as they descend outside my bedroom window. How fragile we all are...so marvelously created and delicately glued together and yet one cruel word, a withering look, an act of violence...and a fragile life is wounded, sometimes irreparably. These things are how many lose control of their lives with bad food, drugs, dangerous relationships and excesses of all kinds.
This snow day has come as a rare surprise. Our district follows a policy which allows parents to keep their children home if they decide weather is too bad or too risky. However, the district does not officially close, therefore guaranteeing additional funding. Whether or not the teachers can get to work safely is apparently of little or no consequence...a snow job, as it were...
Away with negative thinking...we own this snow day. There is much enjoyment and exercise, family joy and fellowship, quiet reflections, reading and delicious coffee.
The snow continues to fall and people are still fragile. We continue on our journey and with our struggles attached. But for just a few moments on a snow day, things slow down and we regain some balance. With grace and endurance, anything can be conquered on this frozen and slippery Friday in February. Stand outside in the gentle, frozen white and let the bits and delicate white graces from Heaven fall all over you...
I am watching the gently floating snowflakes as they descend outside my bedroom window. How fragile we all are...so marvelously created and delicately glued together and yet one cruel word, a withering look, an act of violence...and a fragile life is wounded, sometimes irreparably. These things are how many lose control of their lives with bad food, drugs, dangerous relationships and excesses of all kinds.
This snow day has come as a rare surprise. Our district follows a policy which allows parents to keep their children home if they decide weather is too bad or too risky. However, the district does not officially close, therefore guaranteeing additional funding. Whether or not the teachers can get to work safely is apparently of little or no consequence...a snow job, as it were...
Away with negative thinking...we own this snow day. There is much enjoyment and exercise, family joy and fellowship, quiet reflections, reading and delicious coffee.
The snow continues to fall and people are still fragile. We continue on our journey and with our struggles attached. But for just a few moments on a snow day, things slow down and we regain some balance. With grace and endurance, anything can be conquered on this frozen and slippery Friday in February. Stand outside in the gentle, frozen white and let the bits and delicate white graces from Heaven fall all over you...
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Day 25 Over the Emotional Hump
Thursday morning and an afternoon meeting is cancelled...we are sliding into Friday and with that proximity to the weekend, a heavy layer of stress melts away. On Sunday evening, the five work days loom ahead with all kinds of real and imagined circumstances and problems. With negative projections come the age old excuses to head for the cookie jar. Ah...the cookie jar, a haven of joyful carbs, sugary excuses and chewy delights. Since giving up sugar for Lent, the cookie jar is not as much of a temptation. Apparently, sugar is a serious trigger food, because I don't crave it now that I am not eating it.
A celebration this evening to mark a sister's new job...a delicious (and controlled!) meal at Macaroni Grill...later, a large green citrus candle purchased in honor of the ending of February...my soul craves green at this time of the year...not necessarily vegetables, but decorations, sweaters, candles and floral arrangements. Too much white...reminds me of cream cheese, vanilla ice cream, cheesecake, cream, white frosting...stop! Back to green...
A celebration this evening to mark a sister's new job...a delicious (and controlled!) meal at Macaroni Grill...later, a large green citrus candle purchased in honor of the ending of February...my soul craves green at this time of the year...not necessarily vegetables, but decorations, sweaters, candles and floral arrangements. Too much white...reminds me of cream cheese, vanilla ice cream, cheesecake, cream, white frosting...stop! Back to green...
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Day 24 Encouragement is a Gift
As I entered my place of work this morning, encouragement surrounded me on three fronts. A trinity of joy...one friend asked me to participate in a group she is organizing...one friend complimented me on a recent achievement...one friend responded to me through email...a long awaited connection. Good things come in three's...at least that is how I choose to look at things. A good cup of coffee has two tablespoons of heavy cream (the coffee being the third ingredient). I like to walk three miles in good weather. I arrange flowers and seasonal decorations in three's. I tend to buy things in three's...this helps me to limit my spending and to make wiser and more aesthetically pleasing purchases. I light three candles in a circle. I group some of my exercises into three's...three different exercises for my arms...three for my legs...you get the idea.
Ideally, encouraging words between people should be forthcoming in a never ending stream, and yet many times there are huge gaps in the flow. Helpful comments are never said. Smiles never form. People stay discouraged. How many times have I withheld encouragement from people...intentionally or un-intentionally?
I am not the center of things. There are people who have huge amounts of weight to lose or who are bearing private griefs that may never be shared unless someone offers a gentle word or a listening ear. If I step out of myself and encourage other people, I in turn tend to blossom.
Open up. Make yourself just a little bit vulnerable. The kindness we extend may come back to us threefold. Who knows? That happiness in stepping out of oneself may bring healing in the area of food, body image and health.
Ideally, encouraging words between people should be forthcoming in a never ending stream, and yet many times there are huge gaps in the flow. Helpful comments are never said. Smiles never form. People stay discouraged. How many times have I withheld encouragement from people...intentionally or un-intentionally?
I am not the center of things. There are people who have huge amounts of weight to lose or who are bearing private griefs that may never be shared unless someone offers a gentle word or a listening ear. If I step out of myself and encourage other people, I in turn tend to blossom.
Open up. Make yourself just a little bit vulnerable. The kindness we extend may come back to us threefold. Who knows? That happiness in stepping out of oneself may bring healing in the area of food, body image and health.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Day 23 Second Day Dread
I put so much mental energy into surviving a Monday that I forget about Tuesday. A lot of times, Tuesday can be the harder of the two days. I awoke this morning and checked my Facebook. I had not heard from someone I wanted to hear from...strike #1. I had eaten way below my calorie requirement yesterday and had done 40 minutes on the treadmill, so I got on the scale...it had gone up 1/2 a pound...strike #2. I started thinking about a theater event I have to attend this evening which I do not want to attend...strike #3. Okay, so now how do I get out of this mental funk?
Number one...a friendship can't be forced or manipulated. Give things time and stop checking out every nuance. Stop trying to figure it all out. Number two...stay away from the scale for awhile. Go with the truth and not the emotion. You did what you should do as far as food and exercise...let the body and your biology shake things out for a few days...do not be a slave to the scale. Number three...attend the theater event with joy and be thankful for the gift of the arts that you have received. The relationship with your theater partner need not continue, but appreciate what you have and stop complaining.
This a day for your Mother's mantra..."don't think, just move". Thanks Mom!
Number one...a friendship can't be forced or manipulated. Give things time and stop checking out every nuance. Stop trying to figure it all out. Number two...stay away from the scale for awhile. Go with the truth and not the emotion. You did what you should do as far as food and exercise...let the body and your biology shake things out for a few days...do not be a slave to the scale. Number three...attend the theater event with joy and be thankful for the gift of the arts that you have received. The relationship with your theater partner need not continue, but appreciate what you have and stop complaining.
This a day for your Mother's mantra..."don't think, just move". Thanks Mom!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Day 22 Manic Monday
Wow...what a difference a day makes. Out the door I floated from a serene Sunday and landed with a thud in the middle of Monday mania...always a shock after a calming break. However, the good news was that I hopped happily on the scale after a week of good behavior and lo and behold...wonderful success! I guess what you eat does matter after all. I did not count calories this past week because I was home...impossible! However, with Lent came the elimination of all sugars, chips and alcohol...am given to a snip of wine in the evenings when it is cold...however, no more. It really paid off. I fairly danced to work.
Personal interactions demand a lot of energy and I am often tempted to "strength snack" throughout the day. Since I have focused more on protein, I find I do not need to eat as much. With a carefully scribed letter, I resolved a difficult relationship this morning and let go of a stress which has been lingering heavily for the past several months. I gave time to a friend in need who expressed great anxiety over personal difficulties. I gave all I could to my students (and there was a lot of drama there!)...and I checked in with a good friend, with whom I have not spoken for a number of days. We planned for a relaxed dinner on Sunday evening. Home to hit the treadmill and discovered to my delight that at 6 pm...it was still light outside. Hope!
A final note on this full day...stopped in to a local store after work to buy some herbal teas and ran into an old boyfriend...time has healed old wounds and as I left the store I thought how good it is to not be obligated to return to bad habits...be they people or food...putting a blanket on this Monday evening.
Personal interactions demand a lot of energy and I am often tempted to "strength snack" throughout the day. Since I have focused more on protein, I find I do not need to eat as much. With a carefully scribed letter, I resolved a difficult relationship this morning and let go of a stress which has been lingering heavily for the past several months. I gave time to a friend in need who expressed great anxiety over personal difficulties. I gave all I could to my students (and there was a lot of drama there!)...and I checked in with a good friend, with whom I have not spoken for a number of days. We planned for a relaxed dinner on Sunday evening. Home to hit the treadmill and discovered to my delight that at 6 pm...it was still light outside. Hope!
A final note on this full day...stopped in to a local store after work to buy some herbal teas and ran into an old boyfriend...time has healed old wounds and as I left the store I thought how good it is to not be obligated to return to bad habits...be they people or food...putting a blanket on this Monday evening.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Day 21 Wonderful Things Which Distract...
So many delightful distractions today that I hardly considered food...heard a lone bird chirping happily this morning as I exited the house. He may have been the only bird out there and he was decidedly optimistic but by gum, he chirped for all he was worth.
The sun shone all day. The air was crisp and I saw more icicles melting. Lest one think I expect clear sailing from here on, let me assure the reader that I am no fool. I grew up in cold climes. We remain in February and I know what March can bring...but I will hold these delicious distractions close to my spirit this evening...mini gifts and respites along the way...mini joys which put things in better perspective.
Lenten season calms with a quieter healing pace. Spoke to a number of friends after church this afternoon. I was refreshed by their genuine kindnesses and joy. Hugs and meaningful fellowship is a treasure in a sad world.
Spoke with strangers in the restaurant. The sun seemed to be thawing everyone...people wanted to speak, to be spoken to...to emerge from social hibernation and black ice parking lots. Their happy faces replaced sugar silliness. Their sparkling conversation doused potato chip cravings.
I feel ready to go back to work tomorrow. The empty candy jar is in my car and I will place it on my desk...ready at the end of this week to reward my students with some treats...but I will not participate, for I felt the hope of Spring, if only for a day. Smiles all around today replaced fickle foods and fresh bay leaf flannel sheets await my weary body...to bed.
The sun shone all day. The air was crisp and I saw more icicles melting. Lest one think I expect clear sailing from here on, let me assure the reader that I am no fool. I grew up in cold climes. We remain in February and I know what March can bring...but I will hold these delicious distractions close to my spirit this evening...mini gifts and respites along the way...mini joys which put things in better perspective.
Lenten season calms with a quieter healing pace. Spoke to a number of friends after church this afternoon. I was refreshed by their genuine kindnesses and joy. Hugs and meaningful fellowship is a treasure in a sad world.
Spoke with strangers in the restaurant. The sun seemed to be thawing everyone...people wanted to speak, to be spoken to...to emerge from social hibernation and black ice parking lots. Their happy faces replaced sugar silliness. Their sparkling conversation doused potato chip cravings.
I feel ready to go back to work tomorrow. The empty candy jar is in my car and I will place it on my desk...ready at the end of this week to reward my students with some treats...but I will not participate, for I felt the hope of Spring, if only for a day. Smiles all around today replaced fickle foods and fresh bay leaf flannel sheets await my weary body...to bed.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Day 20 Blueberry Scones
Spirits lifted this Saturday because the entire day was spent with family. Family affects food! Lunch was no problem because it was the middle of the day, there was happy energy all around me and I was focused on the afternoon activities. However, by dinner time I was dragged out and ready to call it a day. I sat down to dinner and immediately came face to face with a plate of homemade blueberry scones. My sister-in-law is a very good cook. The scones were hot and fresh. The outdoor cold felt darker and draggier than when the sun shone. I knew I was two days away from going back to work and I...took a deep breath and rejected those wonderful scones.
One thing I have given up for Lent is sugar of any kind, in any form. This includes fruit. For me, even fruit can trigger a sugar craving at certain times during the day. I want to limit my cravings for awhile. Lent turns out to be a time of rest for me, because I limit myself. Had I eaten those scones, I would have been miserable. I chose quiet contentment over misery this evening. I had two bowls of homemade (and wonderful) vegetable soup and some amazing pickles (home canned). Then I went home and felt the better for it. Again, a hot bath will be my salvation this evening. Continue to enjoy quiet friendship with my family tonight.
One thing I have given up for Lent is sugar of any kind, in any form. This includes fruit. For me, even fruit can trigger a sugar craving at certain times during the day. I want to limit my cravings for awhile. Lent turns out to be a time of rest for me, because I limit myself. Had I eaten those scones, I would have been miserable. I chose quiet contentment over misery this evening. I had two bowls of homemade (and wonderful) vegetable soup and some amazing pickles (home canned). Then I went home and felt the better for it. Again, a hot bath will be my salvation this evening. Continue to enjoy quiet friendship with my family tonight.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Day 19 Success!
A good day...got back on the scale after several days of water, walking on the treadmill, vitamins, abstaining from certain foods for Lent, quiet rest and no stress and...yay!...the scale has dipped again.
I have stayed in the same "decade" of pounds for a number of months and I am determined in a new way to get out from under that "10" grip. Everyone who has ever tried to lose weight knows that one can reach a certain number such as 151. Then one tries to get down into the 140's and...one sits and sits on the tarmac of weight. Take off, already!
Even though the scale dipped, I have seen this blasted number before. I am very tired of this number and I am very tired of going up and down...no matter how small the rise and fall.
I have been working on not eating after 7pm or so. This is a good way to lose weight, but I have to change the way I live my evenings. I cannot stay up as late. I cannot start projects after dinner. When I am feeling blah...I need to take a hot bath, drink herbal tea, turn the television off and go to bed! I should not have long phone conversations late in the evening. I should never, ever find myself shopping for anything in a 24 hour grocery close to midnight. A sort of madness takes over. I really need to turn my world upside down...early to bed, early to rise...scale dips...
I have stayed in the same "decade" of pounds for a number of months and I am determined in a new way to get out from under that "10" grip. Everyone who has ever tried to lose weight knows that one can reach a certain number such as 151. Then one tries to get down into the 140's and...one sits and sits on the tarmac of weight. Take off, already!
Even though the scale dipped, I have seen this blasted number before. I am very tired of this number and I am very tired of going up and down...no matter how small the rise and fall.
I have been working on not eating after 7pm or so. This is a good way to lose weight, but I have to change the way I live my evenings. I cannot stay up as late. I cannot start projects after dinner. When I am feeling blah...I need to take a hot bath, drink herbal tea, turn the television off and go to bed! I should not have long phone conversations late in the evening. I should never, ever find myself shopping for anything in a 24 hour grocery close to midnight. A sort of madness takes over. I really need to turn my world upside down...early to bed, early to rise...scale dips...
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Day 18 Dripping Icicles
Hope springs eternal this morning...as I sit looking out the large window in the music room, I see rows of pointed and jagged icicles hanging over the edge of the gutter. A number of them are dripping...one by one...little by little...the sharp edges are being worn away.
Taking control of my body means that little by little jagged edges in my mind are also worn down and smoothed over. I seek positive experiences and positive people to aid in this process. I re-connected with an old friend over lunch today. We had not seen each other in twenty years. I found myself transported back to grade school while remembering classmates, teachers, events and experiences. Seeing our grade school lives with a fresh perspective...and with a good chunk of life experience under our belts...helped tie up some loose ends in my mind. Talking to her was an encouragement, a joy, and a time of laughter. It was also an update. A number of people were divorced, and sadly...there were teachers and classmates who had died...accidents, cancer, homelessness...a sobering reminder to be in earnest about one's life.
Seasons come and go. Icicles freeze and melt and reappear the following year. We age daily, but we gain wisdom and joy. We are reminded of our mortality and of the need to seize the day. As I sit here and write, I enjoy a quiet fellowship with aging parents, good food and bits and pieces of news from today's paper. I will heal my body and cease certain eating habits by stopping to revel in the quiet simplicity of life...the good things...hot chili (one bowl), strong coffee (no cream), the mute button on the remote control, talking with old friends, listening to a child try out new words, completing a 1,000 piece puzzle, carrying a bright red purse, writing a long overdue letter, embracing the sweat of a good workout, soaking in a hot bath, the smell of clean laundry. Good things are often simple things. Abstaining from certain foods during Lent is a simple, yet profound act. In just two days, I feel so much calmer. May it continue...
Taking control of my body means that little by little jagged edges in my mind are also worn down and smoothed over. I seek positive experiences and positive people to aid in this process. I re-connected with an old friend over lunch today. We had not seen each other in twenty years. I found myself transported back to grade school while remembering classmates, teachers, events and experiences. Seeing our grade school lives with a fresh perspective...and with a good chunk of life experience under our belts...helped tie up some loose ends in my mind. Talking to her was an encouragement, a joy, and a time of laughter. It was also an update. A number of people were divorced, and sadly...there were teachers and classmates who had died...accidents, cancer, homelessness...a sobering reminder to be in earnest about one's life.
Seasons come and go. Icicles freeze and melt and reappear the following year. We age daily, but we gain wisdom and joy. We are reminded of our mortality and of the need to seize the day. As I sit here and write, I enjoy a quiet fellowship with aging parents, good food and bits and pieces of news from today's paper. I will heal my body and cease certain eating habits by stopping to revel in the quiet simplicity of life...the good things...hot chili (one bowl), strong coffee (no cream), the mute button on the remote control, talking with old friends, listening to a child try out new words, completing a 1,000 piece puzzle, carrying a bright red purse, writing a long overdue letter, embracing the sweat of a good workout, soaking in a hot bath, the smell of clean laundry. Good things are often simple things. Abstaining from certain foods during Lent is a simple, yet profound act. In just two days, I feel so much calmer. May it continue...
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Day 17 Ashes to Ashes, Scarlett
Slept very late...awoke tired, sore, discouraged and fearful. Tired because I went sledding yesterday and forgot how much work that takes. I lay in the snow and made six snow angels. That made me dizzy! I ate snow and realized after all these years, it still tastes the same. I threw my body on a sled and went down the hill. I sat in a mound of snow with my nieces and nephew and watched them dig out a cave. I went inside and drank cocoa. I handle food and family as others handle drink and family...just keep getting it down and hope for the best.
I am in a pattern of always "starting over". I have adopted Scarlett O'Hara's mantra ..."there's always tomorrow". As the South burns down around Scarlett, she puts a positive spin on things and begins her next set of manipulations and maneuvers. I do the same thing. "There's always tomorrow" means that I will once again find a rationale for eating more than I need. "Always tomorrow" means that one day, the scale will go down...just not today. "Always tomorrow" means that I will start on Monday...start on the first of the month...start on New Year's Day...start on my birthday...start when I am done with school...start after the Super Bowl...start on the first day of Lent. Meanwhile Atlanta burns...
I am in a pattern of always "starting over". I have adopted Scarlett O'Hara's mantra ..."there's always tomorrow". As the South burns down around Scarlett, she puts a positive spin on things and begins her next set of manipulations and maneuvers. I do the same thing. "There's always tomorrow" means that I will once again find a rationale for eating more than I need. "Always tomorrow" means that one day, the scale will go down...just not today. "Always tomorrow" means that I will start on Monday...start on the first of the month...start on New Year's Day...start on my birthday...start when I am done with school...start after the Super Bowl...start on the first day of Lent. Meanwhile Atlanta burns...
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Day 16 Shrove (Fat) Tuesday
Pancakes for breakfast. Snicky snacking on leftover Valentine chocolates during the day's duration. Grilled ham and cheese, chips and chili for dinner. Followed up with a piece of blackberry pie. Coffee and cream. Sigh.
I am looking forward to the approaching Lenten season. It will give me the legitimate reason I seem to need to continue on with a better discipline in this area of my life. Recently read two comments about the meaning of Lent...forty days of stripping down to the living essentials...forty days of facing truth about one's self-indulgent evasions. That is exactly it. I continue to stumble along with self-indulgent evasions...why? What am I evading? Life? Change? Growth? Why wouldn't I want to be healthier? What angle am I missing here? Lent starts at midnight on Ash Wednesday and ends at 6 am Easter Sunday. A long haul of healing...
I am looking forward to the approaching Lenten season. It will give me the legitimate reason I seem to need to continue on with a better discipline in this area of my life. Recently read two comments about the meaning of Lent...forty days of stripping down to the living essentials...forty days of facing truth about one's self-indulgent evasions. That is exactly it. I continue to stumble along with self-indulgent evasions...why? What am I evading? Life? Change? Growth? Why wouldn't I want to be healthier? What angle am I missing here? Lent starts at midnight on Ash Wednesday and ends at 6 am Easter Sunday. A long haul of healing...
Monday, February 15, 2010
Day 15 Back On Track
Monday morning...got back on the scale this morning, and as I suspected it had moved upward...so...I did 40 minutes on the treadmill...did my three exercises that I have been working on and added a new one...my goal is to add a new exercise each week. I drank 12 cups of water and ended eating by 6:45 pm.
I chuckled as I walked around the house today. I am visiting my family and I know that we have a deep love affair going with food and in-activity. There are breads and ice creams (more than one kind). There are cookies and boxes of candy stashed here and there. There are frozen pizzas and brownie mixes and cans of nuts and bottles of coke and a random apple thrown in for good measure. There are leftovers and cupboard surprises and coffee, coffee, coffee. There are plans to meet at this and that restaurant. It is a good thing that my family does not drink. My Mother has said for years, "I can't control my food...what would I do with alcohol?" There is wisdom in that. I am glad that food is the problem...not alcohol, tobacco or other drugs. However, it still needs to be addressed. My family means well and knows how to eat. But like most Americans, when it comes to family get togethers and holidays...all head knowledge goes out the window.
My brother and his wife took their kids skiing all afternoon and that was good exercise. I got on the treadmill and gave it a whirl. I stopped eating at an early time and drank lots of water. But I feel a very hot bath coming on...and an early bedtime...can't stand around looking in the cupboards...keep starting over...day in and day out...
I chuckled as I walked around the house today. I am visiting my family and I know that we have a deep love affair going with food and in-activity. There are breads and ice creams (more than one kind). There are cookies and boxes of candy stashed here and there. There are frozen pizzas and brownie mixes and cans of nuts and bottles of coke and a random apple thrown in for good measure. There are leftovers and cupboard surprises and coffee, coffee, coffee. There are plans to meet at this and that restaurant. It is a good thing that my family does not drink. My Mother has said for years, "I can't control my food...what would I do with alcohol?" There is wisdom in that. I am glad that food is the problem...not alcohol, tobacco or other drugs. However, it still needs to be addressed. My family means well and knows how to eat. But like most Americans, when it comes to family get togethers and holidays...all head knowledge goes out the window.
My brother and his wife took their kids skiing all afternoon and that was good exercise. I got on the treadmill and gave it a whirl. I stopped eating at an early time and drank lots of water. But I feel a very hot bath coming on...and an early bedtime...can't stand around looking in the cupboards...keep starting over...day in and day out...
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Day 14 Valentine's Day
Slept late...a beautiful drive (around 70 miles) to family and home for a much needed break. A combination Valentine's Day dinner and birthday luncheon...Mom pulled out all the stops...a roast with potatoes and cooked carrots, salads...lots of good gravy and breads...a delicious fudge cake with frosting...strong coffee with cream...smells, tastes and sounds of home...much laughter and singing...watching the snow falling softly outside...a restful time away from the city, noises and stress of the job...not much of an appetite today despite all the good things...am continually surprised at how much emotional stress with personal relationships can affect me in a negative way...hoping to refresh this week...will get on the scale in the morning and face the music once again. My heart longs for Spring and fresh air and light...much more light and sun.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Day 13 The Day In Between
Another cold Saturday...perked up with a morning massage. The therapist remarked on how tight my entire back was. I have been holding on to difficult emotions...which have affected my eating this week...beginning to resolve them slowly...massage followed by a light Japanese lunch with a positive and supportive friend...how greatly we need those people! How difficult those people are to find! They are usually people who have suffered in life. They are the people who made an active "eyes wide open" choice to rise above circumstances and to get out of themselves and open themselves up to others...the best choice, and sometimes the very hardest.
Will be home with family tomorrow and that is good, a safe and nested place to be. It shall be a mid-winter respite...much needed.
Still struggling to get some lingering Christmas decorations put away...feel reluctant to leave that season behind for some reason. Lent begins next week and I need the time of spiritual refreshment. I am thankful for the church calendar...not important to some...but vital to me.
Late in the evening...not wanting to write this entry. I am tired of fighting today...a hot bath is a temporary solution. I bought some wind chimes today to remind me of the impending Spring. I will have to face the scale on Monday morning and I choose to do it. Part of healing is active involvement no matter how one feels...struggling to give up the idea of perfectionism...blah...
Will be home with family tomorrow and that is good, a safe and nested place to be. It shall be a mid-winter respite...much needed.
Still struggling to get some lingering Christmas decorations put away...feel reluctant to leave that season behind for some reason. Lent begins next week and I need the time of spiritual refreshment. I am thankful for the church calendar...not important to some...but vital to me.
Late in the evening...not wanting to write this entry. I am tired of fighting today...a hot bath is a temporary solution. I bought some wind chimes today to remind me of the impending Spring. I will have to face the scale on Monday morning and I choose to do it. Part of healing is active involvement no matter how one feels...struggling to give up the idea of perfectionism...blah...
Friday, February 12, 2010
Day 12 Awash In Emotion
Friday morning and having slept badly...approaching the day with trepidation. Some personal stresses continue to pull me away from the things I know I should do.
This day has included saying farewell to a wonderful friend of eleven years...on her way to Houston to re-settle with family...bittersweet moments...beginning the painful process of mending a torn and splintered relationship...am guilty of both wounding this dear one and of receiving wounds unchallenged...lessons being learned...many chocolate smeared hugs and kisses from wonderful children...a sugared day with little desire to eat any of it...a time of fellowship after school with a wise friend...a birthday celebration afterwards...a quiet evening at home with the Olympics...a little pizza...a little warmth and slumber...a hot bath...letting the stresses slough off...let the February break begin...feeling energized and touched by the tentative scratchings of a healing soul...with mercy and quiet comes a healed body...
This day has included saying farewell to a wonderful friend of eleven years...on her way to Houston to re-settle with family...bittersweet moments...beginning the painful process of mending a torn and splintered relationship...am guilty of both wounding this dear one and of receiving wounds unchallenged...lessons being learned...many chocolate smeared hugs and kisses from wonderful children...a sugared day with little desire to eat any of it...a time of fellowship after school with a wise friend...a birthday celebration afterwards...a quiet evening at home with the Olympics...a little pizza...a little warmth and slumber...a hot bath...letting the stresses slough off...let the February break begin...feeling energized and touched by the tentative scratchings of a healing soul...with mercy and quiet comes a healed body...
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Day 11 The Hormone 2-Step And A Whole Mess of Calories
Day 11...learned some interesting things yesterday. No matter how slowly I chewed...the hormone monster was working double duty against me. I confess that I had a bit of an eating binge last night. I knew it was coming and I decided that the only thing I still had control over was figuring out how much I was actually eating. I slowed down enough to add up the calories. Here is the confession...I consumed (by 10 pm) 3,620 calories...1170 of those calories were pure sugar. Just knowing the amount, made me stop. Seeing that number written in ink on a clean sheet of paper, cleared my head. I know that there are 3,500 calories in one pound. Since I ran around yesterday like a nut and was dealing with a lot of mental stress, I know I did not gain a pound. However, I will not be getting on the scale for a few days until my body can shake things loose.
This morning, around 2 am (my female system kicked into gear) and all desires for over eating of any kind disappeared. (I no longer craved cream-filled raspberry anything...). Any woman reading that last sentence will know exactly what I am talking about. Those cravings are literally controlled by an on/off switch, which seems beyond my reach. Hormones are profoundly weird things. They make it particularly hard for women who are working on their weight. I have come to the conclusion that there is about a 10 day window where I need extra support to do what I should do. I also have to stop thinking to a certain extent, and have to start doing. I can't get on the scale. I have to keep exercising. I have to keep counting calories and I have to keep the faith. My body is just asking for a 10 day break once a month where I fulfill my part of the contract and the body does its own little 2-step. At the end...we can do a little jig together on the scale...but there does seem to be this required hiatus. I resign myself. I practice obedience to this and keep going. Give me a solid 24 hours and I shall be back on track...
This morning, around 2 am (my female system kicked into gear) and all desires for over eating of any kind disappeared. (I no longer craved cream-filled raspberry anything...). Any woman reading that last sentence will know exactly what I am talking about. Those cravings are literally controlled by an on/off switch, which seems beyond my reach. Hormones are profoundly weird things. They make it particularly hard for women who are working on their weight. I have come to the conclusion that there is about a 10 day window where I need extra support to do what I should do. I also have to stop thinking to a certain extent, and have to start doing. I can't get on the scale. I have to keep exercising. I have to keep counting calories and I have to keep the faith. My body is just asking for a 10 day break once a month where I fulfill my part of the contract and the body does its own little 2-step. At the end...we can do a little jig together on the scale...but there does seem to be this required hiatus. I resign myself. I practice obedience to this and keep going. Give me a solid 24 hours and I shall be back on track...
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Day 10 Eat Slowly...Proceed With Caution!
Middle of the week...staring at a jar full of Valentine's Day candy on my desk...facing a child from kindergarten who is still not on meds (day 4 and we all suffer)...two more days of school before break...plans for the evening suddenly cancelled...too much noise in the classroom...three big eating events coming up before next Monday when I weigh again...my only plan of survival today is to count calories, count calories, count calories and eat very, very slowly. If I can take a deep breath and chew like I have half of a brain...I may regain some control...I do not have to inhale a jar full of jelly beans. I can actually enjoy the brownie and really chew and savor the ONE candy (60 calories) which I will pick with care from the jar...my beautiful candy jar...I will no longer enjoy my candy jar if it controls me...chew, count, chew, count...plan some kind of reward for the evening...
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Day 9 Freezer Standoff and Stare Down
Last night I experienced a freezer standoff. It was about 9 pm and I was getting ready to take a bath and head down for the evening. The television was still on and I suspect that this is where part of the battle began. There is something about the television which makes me want to eat.
I opened the door and peeked in. I saw the French bread pizza and the doughnuts. I saw the bag of burritos. I looked at the box of ice cream bars. I saw some spicey cheddar stuffed jalapeno poppers peeking around the corner from the frozen bread. I considered the garlic bread, the chicken panini and the pot pies. I sighed and closed the door. Why keep these foods around? Because I have to learn to live with them. They will always be here with me in some capacity and we must co-exist.
Once I was scalding myself in the bath tub...I was okay...no longer tempted...no longer hungry. I was not hungry when I opened the freezer in the first place. So why did I open the door? Habit? Boredom? Feeling cold? Negative projections about the upcoming stresses of this week? Most likely it was a little bit of everything. I still laugh at weight loss commercials which claim that the dieter will never be hungry. Hunger has almost never been the problem, in my case. I eat because I am used to it, bored, cold, lonely, worried about the future, or angry at a co-worker...hunger has NOTHING to do with it. More than anything, I eat because I am socially stressed. I love people...it is all the drama which drains me and I feel weak and I eat. I love social events but as the conversations heat up, the food keeps coming, the outside stimulation keeps pouring over me... I began to move into that inner space in the back of my brain and ...I eat.
4:30 pm...I am heading out to the dreaded theater event. I do not want to go. I want to be quiet and alone. I want to process this day. I am stuck because I have made promises I no longer wish to keep. Note to self...take much greater care in the future when pressured to join, purchase, commit, lead, direct, pick up...whatever...know my personal limits and stick to them. I have had a cup of coffee. That is a good thing. I shall survive this evening.
I opened the door and peeked in. I saw the French bread pizza and the doughnuts. I saw the bag of burritos. I looked at the box of ice cream bars. I saw some spicey cheddar stuffed jalapeno poppers peeking around the corner from the frozen bread. I considered the garlic bread, the chicken panini and the pot pies. I sighed and closed the door. Why keep these foods around? Because I have to learn to live with them. They will always be here with me in some capacity and we must co-exist.
Once I was scalding myself in the bath tub...I was okay...no longer tempted...no longer hungry. I was not hungry when I opened the freezer in the first place. So why did I open the door? Habit? Boredom? Feeling cold? Negative projections about the upcoming stresses of this week? Most likely it was a little bit of everything. I still laugh at weight loss commercials which claim that the dieter will never be hungry. Hunger has almost never been the problem, in my case. I eat because I am used to it, bored, cold, lonely, worried about the future, or angry at a co-worker...hunger has NOTHING to do with it. More than anything, I eat because I am socially stressed. I love people...it is all the drama which drains me and I feel weak and I eat. I love social events but as the conversations heat up, the food keeps coming, the outside stimulation keeps pouring over me... I began to move into that inner space in the back of my brain and ...I eat.
4:30 pm...I am heading out to the dreaded theater event. I do not want to go. I want to be quiet and alone. I want to process this day. I am stuck because I have made promises I no longer wish to keep. Note to self...take much greater care in the future when pressured to join, purchase, commit, lead, direct, pick up...whatever...know my personal limits and stick to them. I have had a cup of coffee. That is a good thing. I shall survive this evening.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Day 8 Monday Morning Reality
A week has gone by...and I have excellent news! I stepped on the scale bright and early this morning...remembering the coffee shop on Friday...The Cheesecake Factory on Saturday...the Super Bowl Party on Sunday...and...5.5 pounds lost this week! My weekly goal is only 1 pound so I am feeling more ready to tackle this Monday than I normally would!
Late Monday afternoon...the day waned and with it, my energy and enthusiasm. I should avoid adding any complications or negative experiences to a Monday. I popped into Wal Mart right after work to try on a pair of jeans...my reward for losing 5.5 pounds this week. Wow! I don't think I realized how tired I was. I actually convinced myself that 5.5 pounds meant I could go down one size. Not so. I glared at myself in the dressing room mirror and thought..."I may have lost 5.5 pounds, but I have a long way to go". I continue to hate florescent lights.
I bought the jeans and some supplements, but I admit I felt quite discouraged. I came home and thought about all the things I wanted to do. I wanted to take a nap, eat a pizza, eat a bag of chips, watch a movie, drag myself into the tub, eat a doughnut, eat more chips, go to bed...I had to stop and remind myself how terrible I would feel tomorrow morning if I gave in. Twenty minutes on the treadmill and a cup of coffee helped.
I am dreading a theater event tomorrow evening and I want to self-medicate. The problem is that if I self-medicate, I will have to do double duty tomorrow to recover, because the sun will rise, I will have to go to work (feeling terrible) AND I will still have to experience the theater event. I guess I am choosing the lesser of two evils...go to work, tough out the theater event and feel blah, rather than terrible. Not very satisfying, but I know food won't solve anything. Yuck.
Late Monday afternoon...the day waned and with it, my energy and enthusiasm. I should avoid adding any complications or negative experiences to a Monday. I popped into Wal Mart right after work to try on a pair of jeans...my reward for losing 5.5 pounds this week. Wow! I don't think I realized how tired I was. I actually convinced myself that 5.5 pounds meant I could go down one size. Not so. I glared at myself in the dressing room mirror and thought..."I may have lost 5.5 pounds, but I have a long way to go". I continue to hate florescent lights.
I bought the jeans and some supplements, but I admit I felt quite discouraged. I came home and thought about all the things I wanted to do. I wanted to take a nap, eat a pizza, eat a bag of chips, watch a movie, drag myself into the tub, eat a doughnut, eat more chips, go to bed...I had to stop and remind myself how terrible I would feel tomorrow morning if I gave in. Twenty minutes on the treadmill and a cup of coffee helped.
I am dreading a theater event tomorrow evening and I want to self-medicate. The problem is that if I self-medicate, I will have to do double duty tomorrow to recover, because the sun will rise, I will have to go to work (feeling terrible) AND I will still have to experience the theater event. I guess I am choosing the lesser of two evils...go to work, tough out the theater event and feel blah, rather than terrible. Not very satisfying, but I know food won't solve anything. Yuck.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Day 7 Super Bowl Sunday Sum Up
This the end of my first week. I feel elated from yesterday's success at The Cheesecake Factory. The social interaction was exactly as I predicted. The interactive female chit chat and lingo were familiar. It was empowering walking into that restaurant knowing what I was going to order. I relaxed and engaged in positive conversation. Several friends remarked that I was smart to check out the menu on line...so my ego got a happy signal as well.
I ordered an attractive glass mug of strong coffee. Presentation is important. I enjoy beautiful things and want my food attractively displayed. I drank two cups slowly while we chatted. The energy I received from the coffee kept me from diving into the bread basket which landed right in front of me. Note to self...being tired or run down contributes to overeating. Go caffeine!...
I ordered my white chicken chili...absolutely delicious and a surprisingly small portion for close to 900 calories...ate it very slowly while I listened to complaints about carbs...new exercise plans...running at 8am on a Saturday (nuts!)...and strong admonitions from one of my friends about joining a walking/running club with a group of women (nuts!). Listened to animated discussions about school problems, mayoral control of our district, low performing populations, racism...the usual shop talk which teachers love to hash out when together.
Today I am skipping the church luncheon. I know I can't handle it. It is vital to know personal limits when it comes to social obligations. Backing out can be life saving. I will take a long walk before the Super Bowl Party. I will not go to the party hungry. I will engage in positive conversations and enjoy a relaxing evening. I will not park myself next to the food table. I will not eat food I don't really like, such as chex mix. There is not a universal law which states that I must eat something sitting in front of me. There is no divine rule which says I must stuff food into my mouth because I have run out of anything to say.
Go Saints!...
I ordered an attractive glass mug of strong coffee. Presentation is important. I enjoy beautiful things and want my food attractively displayed. I drank two cups slowly while we chatted. The energy I received from the coffee kept me from diving into the bread basket which landed right in front of me. Note to self...being tired or run down contributes to overeating. Go caffeine!...
I ordered my white chicken chili...absolutely delicious and a surprisingly small portion for close to 900 calories...ate it very slowly while I listened to complaints about carbs...new exercise plans...running at 8am on a Saturday (nuts!)...and strong admonitions from one of my friends about joining a walking/running club with a group of women (nuts!). Listened to animated discussions about school problems, mayoral control of our district, low performing populations, racism...the usual shop talk which teachers love to hash out when together.
Today I am skipping the church luncheon. I know I can't handle it. It is vital to know personal limits when it comes to social obligations. Backing out can be life saving. I will take a long walk before the Super Bowl Party. I will not go to the party hungry. I will engage in positive conversations and enjoy a relaxing evening. I will not park myself next to the food table. I will not eat food I don't really like, such as chex mix. There is not a universal law which states that I must eat something sitting in front of me. There is no divine rule which says I must stuff food into my mouth because I have run out of anything to say.
Go Saints!...
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Day 6 Saturday Coping
When in doubt on a freezing Saturday morning in February...switch on your red lava lamp, light some scented candles and bake...right now am baking a banana, pecan, coconut bread with a vanilla glaze...makes me feel good to smell it wafting through the place...and knowing that it will be dropped off at the Super Bowl party tomorrow afternoon, makes me feel even better...I hear that taking a deep breath from a bottle of vanilla concentrate helps satisfy some internal desire for sugar. I believe it. I am taking a deep breath in my kitchen as I type and I am better for it.
...Had great success last night in the coffee shop with the glass case full of pastries and croissants. I bought a cup of flavored chocolate fudge coffee (zero calories) and chose a warm table far from the food counter. I savored that hot coffee as it warmed my insides and I really enjoyed the social interaction. This friend, with whom I met is a positive, friendly, warm-hearted, open and encouraging person. I know that the people one hangs out makes all the difference. I strive to shed negative personalities which drag me down and take the life out of me. I believe as I shed the negative people, I shall shed the pounds.
I am headed to The Cheesecake Factory soon for the farewell luncheon I mentioned yesterday. I am ready. I shall drink herbal tea and order the white chicken chili which is listed at 880 calories. Trust me, it was one of the lowest calorie items on the menu. I shall have a piece of cheesecake...but it shall be plain...clocking in at 707 calories. My goal is to bring at least half of it home. I am learning to listen to my body food reaction. I do not want to feel stuffed and half-sick. I do not enjoy the feelings of depression which hit when I overeat. I am taking control of this Saturday...
...Had great success last night in the coffee shop with the glass case full of pastries and croissants. I bought a cup of flavored chocolate fudge coffee (zero calories) and chose a warm table far from the food counter. I savored that hot coffee as it warmed my insides and I really enjoyed the social interaction. This friend, with whom I met is a positive, friendly, warm-hearted, open and encouraging person. I know that the people one hangs out makes all the difference. I strive to shed negative personalities which drag me down and take the life out of me. I believe as I shed the negative people, I shall shed the pounds.
I am headed to The Cheesecake Factory soon for the farewell luncheon I mentioned yesterday. I am ready. I shall drink herbal tea and order the white chicken chili which is listed at 880 calories. Trust me, it was one of the lowest calorie items on the menu. I shall have a piece of cheesecake...but it shall be plain...clocking in at 707 calories. My goal is to bring at least half of it home. I am learning to listen to my body food reaction. I do not want to feel stuffed and half-sick. I do not enjoy the feelings of depression which hit when I overeat. I am taking control of this Saturday...
Friday, February 5, 2010
Day 5 Poisonous Projections
I have had tremendous success this week. I watched the scale take a significant dip. I started exercising again. I ate well. I thought things through. I considered the long term health risks of not addressing weight. I thanked God daily for the excellent health I do have. I stopped myself from complaining as much as I could when considering the poor health and living conditions of so many millions. Then, this afternoon, suddenly a rush of negative worries stopped me in my tracks when I considered the upcoming weekend.
This evening I will have coffee with a good college friend. The potential for food disaster at the coffee shop is not too bad...but I did think about the collection of pastries and croissants in the glass case. Then I remembered tomorrow's farewell luncheon for a friend at...Cheesecake Factory...the restaurant which defines "fat city"...need I remind anyone of the pasta dishes, the baskets of bread, the fabulous drinks...oh, and yes, the thick slabs of cheesecake weighted down in whipped cream. Hmmm...what to do? Look up Cheesecake Factory foods online and get the calories so that I have a general sense of amounts. Knowledge is power. The problem is the social aspect. I can hear the voices now..."oh, don't worry about your weight...you are looking so good already"..."it's a celebration...you can always start again on Monday morning"..."forgot about it...you deserve it...we can't discipline ourselves as women because of hormones, metabolism, stress, men, cold weather..." I think the reader understands what I call "the power of the table".
There is a potluck dinner at my church on Sunday. This is also Super Bowl weekend...and of course I am attending a party. ...the walls of a perfect food storm are rising up all around me...but wait...poisonous projections...it is not even 2pm on a Friday and I have already placed myself in multiple situations where I fail. What a bad way to think. How can I get out of this? Why have I already succumbed? I have not yet begun to fight!...Shall let the reader know tomorrow how I fared...
This evening I will have coffee with a good college friend. The potential for food disaster at the coffee shop is not too bad...but I did think about the collection of pastries and croissants in the glass case. Then I remembered tomorrow's farewell luncheon for a friend at...Cheesecake Factory...the restaurant which defines "fat city"...need I remind anyone of the pasta dishes, the baskets of bread, the fabulous drinks...oh, and yes, the thick slabs of cheesecake weighted down in whipped cream. Hmmm...what to do? Look up Cheesecake Factory foods online and get the calories so that I have a general sense of amounts. Knowledge is power. The problem is the social aspect. I can hear the voices now..."oh, don't worry about your weight...you are looking so good already"..."it's a celebration...you can always start again on Monday morning"..."forgot about it...you deserve it...we can't discipline ourselves as women because of hormones, metabolism, stress, men, cold weather..." I think the reader understands what I call "the power of the table".
There is a potluck dinner at my church on Sunday. This is also Super Bowl weekend...and of course I am attending a party. ...the walls of a perfect food storm are rising up all around me...but wait...poisonous projections...it is not even 2pm on a Friday and I have already placed myself in multiple situations where I fail. What a bad way to think. How can I get out of this? Why have I already succumbed? I have not yet begun to fight!...Shall let the reader know tomorrow how I fared...
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Day 4 Success Of The Zig-Zag
Feeling great this afternoon...there is hope in the air...it was pleasant enough today to get an hour walk in... outside in the fresh, cold air. I feel so much better after the workout...am having success with something called the Zig-Zag...I may be the last person to catch on to this but I love it...go to calorie calculator on Google...type in the information...gender, weight, height in feet and inches and level of activity during the week...press calculate button...it gives you the amount of calories you can eat daily to maintain, to lose weight and to even lose a little bit more...then press the Zig-Zag button...this maps out the week for you...giving you a jumble of different calorie amounts over the 7 day period...it is helpful to have this information and knowledge is indeed power. I was able to eat quite a few sweet Georgia onion rings (Clancy's)...yum... right out of the bag last night. I enjoyed every salty bite and I knew I had not blown the food plan for the day. I tend to be an "all or nothing" eater and that needs to change. Blessings on Day 4 to all of you who struggle...
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Day 3 Getting Over The Hump
Feeling better and better...lots of protein helps. The initial joy of that heavy carbohydrate going down my gullet is compromised by the awful way I feel afterwards. The initial boredom of that healing protein going down my gullet is rewarded afterwards by increased energy and a sense of well being. ...must keep reminding myself...crawling into bed after a heavy meal and going to sleep is a beautiful thing...if one is a bear. I am human and therefore hibernation is not an option...I only grab snatches of it as I go along...thought about that while I was on the treadmill yesterday evening...the hibernation temptation disappears once the warmer weather sets in...am pondering the freedom of Spring, when I can leave work, head home and immediately stride out into the fresh mud-air of nature and go for an extended walk...I can walk for 90 minutes or more outside...20 minutes on the treadmill seem an eternity at times...load up the Ipod and don't think...just move, don't think...
Just realized that eating a lot of protein seems to have made my skin look healthier and more vibrant. I feel like I have better color. One bad moment today...a student (who does not know me well) greeted me by name in the hallway...unfortunately, it was not my name...rather the name of another person in the building who is significantly overweight and in my opinion, unattractive...there was a lurch in my spirit...a lurch, no doubt due to pride...I have my pride, but that may be why I got here in the first place...hmmm...anyway, I forgave the child because this other person and I are the same height and coloring...and I know in my soul that I am not THAT weight...however, a lurch in the spirit is just that...rather upsetting...
Wednesday evening is when I get groceries at Aldis...if the reader has never visited Aldis, it is a happy and cheap grocery store full of candy, chips, cheese, frozen foods, etc. I adore this store because it is cheap and I realized this evening (as I was stalled in the chip and chocolate aisle) that I will never be a purist when it comes to food...I love processed junk food too much...I have to be able to count those calories and keep moving...perhaps sometime in my life I will morph into a Vegan...maybe...but another balanced day has come and gone...rest and think about what I am becoming...
Just realized that eating a lot of protein seems to have made my skin look healthier and more vibrant. I feel like I have better color. One bad moment today...a student (who does not know me well) greeted me by name in the hallway...unfortunately, it was not my name...rather the name of another person in the building who is significantly overweight and in my opinion, unattractive...there was a lurch in my spirit...a lurch, no doubt due to pride...I have my pride, but that may be why I got here in the first place...hmmm...anyway, I forgave the child because this other person and I are the same height and coloring...and I know in my soul that I am not THAT weight...however, a lurch in the spirit is just that...rather upsetting...
Wednesday evening is when I get groceries at Aldis...if the reader has never visited Aldis, it is a happy and cheap grocery store full of candy, chips, cheese, frozen foods, etc. I adore this store because it is cheap and I realized this evening (as I was stalled in the chip and chocolate aisle) that I will never be a purist when it comes to food...I love processed junk food too much...I have to be able to count those calories and keep moving...perhaps sometime in my life I will morph into a Vegan...maybe...but another balanced day has come and gone...rest and think about what I am becoming...
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Day 2 Ground Hog Day
...Ground Hog Day and I really don't care if the little guy sees his shadow. I want to see the scale. I am married to the scale. The numbers don't always reflect reality, but I need to see them go down. There may be salt weight, water weight, muscle weight, fat weight, stress weight (all those weird combinations dancing in my body) but when they all shake out and those numbers go down, I am a happy woman.
The scale went down 2.5 lbs and I can live with that. My goal is simple...lose one pound a week. When I think what I could lose weekly if I were stricter with food and exercise I know that goal seems silly. But when I consider the stresses that fly at me daily...students, negative people, cold weather, relational issues, desires, goals and efforts, car problems, did I mention cold weather?...I realize that adding to my stress by setting a difficult weight loss goal...is a very bad idea.
Things that worked for me yesterday...no sugar until the afternoon, no confrontational or negative conversations, 30 minutes on the treadmill with a cup of coffee before to give me umph...going to bed earlier than normal. Apparently I need more rest than I thought. I need to be quiet so that I can process the day. I need to de-tox.
...Staring at my calves this evening. I have two beautiful pairs of boots which I stuffed into my closet two years ago and have never worn. I want to wear them. My calves do not fit. It is a simple problem. The calves need to go. I'm trying to remember what my calves looked like when I was 15. I don't remember but I do know that those boots would have fit. I do remember that when I was 15, I thought that I was overweight. I am startled when I look at high school pictures. How did I have such have a false body perception? I should have listened to my Father. He said that comparisons are odious. This weight is not about anybody else but me, myself and I. Forgot the razzle, frazzle of the daily grind. Forget the past. Get it off and get those boots on!
The scale went down 2.5 lbs and I can live with that. My goal is simple...lose one pound a week. When I think what I could lose weekly if I were stricter with food and exercise I know that goal seems silly. But when I consider the stresses that fly at me daily...students, negative people, cold weather, relational issues, desires, goals and efforts, car problems, did I mention cold weather?...I realize that adding to my stress by setting a difficult weight loss goal...is a very bad idea.
Things that worked for me yesterday...no sugar until the afternoon, no confrontational or negative conversations, 30 minutes on the treadmill with a cup of coffee before to give me umph...going to bed earlier than normal. Apparently I need more rest than I thought. I need to be quiet so that I can process the day. I need to de-tox.
...Staring at my calves this evening. I have two beautiful pairs of boots which I stuffed into my closet two years ago and have never worn. I want to wear them. My calves do not fit. It is a simple problem. The calves need to go. I'm trying to remember what my calves looked like when I was 15. I don't remember but I do know that those boots would have fit. I do remember that when I was 15, I thought that I was overweight. I am startled when I look at high school pictures. How did I have such have a false body perception? I should have listened to my Father. He said that comparisons are odious. This weight is not about anybody else but me, myself and I. Forgot the razzle, frazzle of the daily grind. Forget the past. Get it off and get those boots on!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Exercising My "No" Muscle
I say "no" to blah food. I hate bland food. I like strong tastes. I like strong coffee. I like hot peppers and hot mustards and hot chili. I ate sushi this evening with wasabi mustard. The top of my head was on fire and I loved it. I felt that I had really eaten something good.
I say "no" to negative people. A negative acquaintance telephoned today demanding that I return the call as soon as possible. I refused to return the call. I should end this relationship. Negative people cause me anxiety and that anxiety makes me want to eat more. I do not want to eat more because I want to take care of my health.
This was a good Monday. I have time to get on the treadmill this evening. I will take a hot bath to relax. I will have phone conversations with positive people before I go to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.
I say "no" to negative people. A negative acquaintance telephoned today demanding that I return the call as soon as possible. I refused to return the call. I should end this relationship. Negative people cause me anxiety and that anxiety makes me want to eat more. I do not want to eat more because I want to take care of my health.
This was a good Monday. I have time to get on the treadmill this evening. I will take a hot bath to relax. I will have phone conversations with positive people before I go to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.
Day 1 Time Spreads Out In Front Of Me
Monday morning...bitter cold, again. The almond coffee is freshly brewed and filling the kitchen with an inviting aroma as I step on to the scale...I use the scale in the kitchen because the floor is not carpeted and it seems appropriate somehow, to take the scale to the source of the problem. I step on. I step off. I am not surprised. It is not as if I have awakened from some dream. Every item of food that I placed into my mouth, got there when I was wide awake. It is not as if there were a chip fairy hiding somewhere in my pantry and the fairy managed to sneak chips into my mouth while I slept. I did the damage. I shall do the repair work. Unfortunately, the repair work always takes longer. Note...no sugar before noon helps me. Sugar first thing in the day seems to trigger a relapse before I have even gotten started..."America runs on Dunkin?"...not this chick...but then I don't run...
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