Day 9 Freezer Standoff and Stare Down

Last night I experienced a freezer standoff. It was about 9 pm and I was getting ready to take a bath and head down for the evening. The television was still on and I suspect that this is where part of the battle began. There is something about the television which makes me want to eat.

I opened the door and peeked in. I saw the French bread pizza and the doughnuts. I saw the bag of burritos. I looked at the box of ice cream bars. I saw some spicey cheddar stuffed jalapeno poppers peeking around the corner from the frozen bread. I considered the garlic bread, the chicken panini and the pot pies. I sighed and closed the door. Why keep these foods around? Because I have to learn to live with them. They will always be here with me in some capacity and we must co-exist.

Once I was scalding myself in the bath tub...I was okay...no longer tempted...no longer hungry. I was not hungry when I opened the freezer in the first place. So why did I open the door? Habit? Boredom? Feeling cold? Negative projections about the upcoming stresses of this week? Most likely it was a little bit of everything. I still laugh at weight loss commercials which claim that the dieter will never be hungry. Hunger has almost never been the problem, in my case. I eat because I am used to it, bored, cold, lonely, worried about the future, or angry at a co-worker...hunger has NOTHING to do with it. More than anything, I eat because I am socially stressed. I love people...it is all the drama which drains me and I feel weak and I eat. I love social events but as the conversations heat up, the food keeps coming, the outside stimulation keeps pouring over me... I began to move into that inner space in the back of my brain and ...I eat.

4:30 pm...I am heading out to the dreaded theater event. I do not want to go. I want to be quiet and alone. I want to process this day. I am stuck because I have made promises I no longer wish to keep. Note to self...take much greater care in the future when pressured to join, purchase, commit, lead, direct, pick up...whatever...know my personal limits and stick to them. I have had a cup of coffee. That is a good thing. I shall survive this evening.