Day 31 May Farewell

The lovely delicate greening month of May empties itself today...falling gently down into the damp early morning of the first of June. There are picnic leftovers...a cold cheeseburger for breakfast...(my deepest primal need for meat, now satisfied). I ate it slowly with a fresh cup of hot coffee. I felt full, so I stopped and went to hang wash out on the line...a fresh breeze, sunshine, my city lungs filled with a cleansing rush of May air.

Dreading going back to work tomorrow...so much stress and drama there and I feel emotionally fragile today...knowing I will get hit with a wave of humanity, need, noise, unanswerable questions and anxiety. I am emptied out. I sit within arms length of my family's love and support and yet cannot seem to grasp it. Fragile and vulnerable in the May breeze.

The only temporary answer is an attitude of praise and physical movement. I have much to be thankful for on this warming luscious day...the pink tablecloth flapping gently at the edges of the rough picnic table wood...bleached, and a painfully clean white pile of bedding swaying in the wind...a full stomach that does not want food anymore...just fellowhip and intimacy and joy. Let May drop away with all the lessons, joys, laughter, breezes and promises...June commences.

Day 30 Pink Birthday Cake

Safely home in the arms of family with a shockingly bright pink birthday cake in the middle of it all. Pink makes me happy...pink balloons, pink streamers and pink dresses...something about that color which digs the happiness right out of my center, spreading it all around...sticky frosting.

At one point, I sat in the living room and listened to all the family noise around...always at least three people talking at once...the sounds of children laughing, the tea kettle humming, the occasional jogger running by outside the house...fading footsteps...the distant sound of a motor.

The children made smores in the evening and I had no desire to eat anything, actually. Deep in thought about some things...pink being the primary color in the back of my mind. Pink makes me happy and at the same time this evening, it has made me a touch sad...but there is no desire to eat anything...which is good, as food cannot solve my thoughts, nor give me an answer. I shall stick with pink blossoms and pink leather shoes.

Day 29 Night Is Drawing Nigh

Thoughts come hard and scratchy as the day wanes...things which were so very clear at 9am on a fresh Saturday morning, run slightly muddy and off by 10pm. Knotted clumps of thread, far from the original spool...fuzzy and unattached and slightly sad. Time to lay this day aside...turn off the noise, close the fridge door and quietly walk away.

Day 28 Memorials

As this Memorial Day weekend begins, I think of family members who sacrificed, so that I could grow up free, happy and unfettered in this great nation of ours. There is my Uncle "Ham" who survived the battle of Midway, days of marching and a liftetime of "jungle rot" on his feet...a poignant reminder that I need to be a little tougher on myself...get out there and walk...no jungle rot, no crippling tropical heat, no excuses. I remember my great Uncle Bob who in a split second received shrapnel to the neck...a wounding which stayed with him the rest of his life...a man who had to kill or be killed...shooting a Japanese soldier and then taking the man's wallet and taking the time to return everything to the man's widow...be kinder, be softer, be tougher, follow through...think about others and take a long look at your smooth, unscarred neck...no complaining allowed. I think of my Father...drafted at 18 for two years of service as part of occupation forces in Japan...a gentle man, an artist...dragged out of his comfort zone to stomp around a foreign land, helping to keep things in order...postponing school and his life...yet, returning home...remember to be grateful, to thank and encourage people more, to get out there and grab life by the horns...no complaining and no laziness accepted, thank you.

I plan to enjoy this weekend. I will give thanks for the huge and wide variety of wonderful foods, available to me in a land of plenty...a land fought for at great price...a land where I still live unfettered. At the same time, I will be a controlled citizen...cherishing my health, my strength, my youth, my family and my joy. Happy Memorial Day!

Day 27 Points Of Beauty Along The Way

Walking this evening and getting ready for Memorial Day weekend. Saw so many lovely things along the way. Happiness is a choice and sometimes one must make that choice on an hourly basis. Excessive complaining by work mates forces me to choose happiness hourly...with determination. I can't make up for their unhappiness but as an act of subterfuge, I notice lovely things around me.

Lovely one: 3 robin egg blue pots sitting on house steps...spilling over with yellow and orange marigolds.

Lovely two: a toddler with chubby knees, wearing a fireman's hat getting ready to run under the sprinkler...such joy on his face!

Lovely three: greetings from a wonderful and fully trustworthy friend.

Lovely four: a furry little dog, panting...breed unknown...joyful four-legged life on a leash.

Lovely five: a flag flapping wildly in the wind, against a bright blue sky.

Lovely six: tired workers at Gleason building, taking a break outside on the sidewalk, seated on the warmed ledge...watching people walk by, hats on, shoulders sloping...quiet and relaxed in the heat.

Lovely seven: a passerby...wearing a peace sign T-shirt...grizzled, rough looking and hot...greets me with a grimy smile as I pass him.

Lovely eight: people eating at a cafe...outdoors, laughing, glancing around at passing traffic...heads cocked.

Lovely nine: a couple seated, close to the sidewalk at a newly opened gourmet spot...the man peering carefully over the menu, glasses tipped to the edge of his nose...the woman, wiping her mouth, feet tucked comfortably under the table...both quiet.

Lovely ten: a heavyset and tired looking driver...backing up for me as I stroll over the cross walk...glancing at my sneakers, curiously watching my face.

Life is never boring...ever. Every moment is made to be absorbed some way...with joy, controlled abandon and breath.

Day 26 Pink Suit, Pink Fingers And Toes

MORNING-Another blistering hot day and again, I am not complaining! I am in the pink...truly! I am wearing a pink linen suit which did not fit when it was given me. I have matching "shocking pink" toes and nails. I am coming in to my summer element. I am sleeping less and rising earlier. I am happy to drink a lot more and eat a lot less. I am feeling the hard-earned body joy of walking for a full two hours. I have more energy.

MIDDAY-Celebrated a friend's birthday this evening. I ate too much and did not exercise, however the greatest lesson I have learned in the last few months is that this health issue is a lifetime, day to day, minute by minute, holiday by holiday, meal by meal process. It is always with me but it need no longer have a hold on me. It is always a challenge but the edges of the challenge have been softened by the endorphins of exercise and the healing joy of obedience.

EVENING-A personal note...experienced some fear this evening...about some emotional issues...and I ate my through it, not like I used to but I found myself eating some stale chocolate wafer cookies, two slices of Great Harvest white bread and imbibing two glasses of wine. However, I am done. It is almost 10pm and I am truly done. I do not feel sick, just slightly saddened. I am not despairing, just slightly disappointed. I acknowledge my fear and take action...bathe, wash hair, brush teeth, go to bed with a good film and start again tomorrow.

Day 25 Sister Solidarity And Sweat

A blistering hot day...no complaints. Decided to accept the sweat and delight in it. I took a long walk, drank a lot of water and worked on stomach toning. The sweat adds to the glory of it all. Sweat cleanses the body. In a weird way, sweat cleanses my mind and emotions.

Celebrating the 29th birthday of my sister. Bought gifts and visited her at a local pub. As I was eating my meal, I contemplated what I was eating. I had water instead of cocktails or soda. I had a side salad. I had a chicken wrap (with a lot of vegetables). I marveled at the fact that I was eating coleslaw instead of french fries. It felt totally natural to order a lot of food with vegetables. I am a french fry queen, but today I made other choices and it was not an effort. Good things seem to come to those who keep making good choices. Heat makes me eat less. Getting continual compliments at work also helps. My sister complimented me. A good day of happiness, heat and hope.

Day 24 Crankville

A stunningly beautiful day. Blue skies. Shimmery heat. A fresh breeze. Green and blowy trees...all good things outside. Inside...cranky people, uncooperative people, frustrated students, broken pencil leads and smudged test papers and unread passages and people who talk too loudly...all cranky things inside. I think I shall stay outside today. I am looking forward to an afternoon of shopping for my sister's 29th birthday. I am looking forward (really, I'm not kidding) to doing my toning exercises this evening because I am seeing results and because it makes me feel so much better emotionally. I am looking forward to being around happy people...and a sugar free iced coffee.

Personal success...purchased new underwear for the summer...tops, down a full size...bottoms, down a size, plus?! Pulled four pair of summer capris out of the closet yesterday...they can no longer be worn because they are too big...sad, I will have to go shopping again. Pulled a dress out which no longer fits. Shall have to buy another one. About getting rid of over-sized clothing...there is a loss of security when one does this. I am shedding more than pounds and clothes. I am shedding a part of life, a way of thinking, old habits...a way of being which has been mine for a long time. I am throwing away the Linus security blanket and it does leave one a little rattled. My closet looks different when I open it. My mind has not yet caught up with the body...but it shall indeed get there...and the more I stay away from cranky people, the faster the success comes.

Day 23 Where Did It Go?

Went for a long walk in the heat. Bathed in cool tub water. Observation...my stomach is not where it used to be. This is good. Smiled, bathed...perfect!

Day 22 Dressed And Undressed

Dressed early in the morning. Checked out my progress in the mirror. Went to work for three hours. Came home. Undressed. Checked out my progress in the mirror. Changed clothes. Left home. Sang in a wedding. Came home. Undressed. Changed clothes. Checked out my progress in the mirror. Attended a 50th birthday party. Came home. Undressed. Checked out my progress in the mirror. Pajamas. Bed.

Day 22 Letting Down Without Losing One's Mind

Pizza...controlled. Wine...controlled. Chocolate Girl Scout cookies...controlled. Dealing with a million and one people, issues and requests...quiet, calm and controlled. A delicious day despite the tumult. A huge and heavily planned Saturday...all will be calm...God is good. The week is done. Everything is under a soft blanket of priority, peace and meaning. Food is in it's place...thank God.

Day 20 Grinding On With Joy And Hope

Slept better last night since I cut way back on my calories. I walked for a good length. I was in a better mental state as I awoke and the sun streaming through the window, with the sounds of joyful bird twitterings in the background, softened the thud of morning.

Dutifully, I hopped on the scale. I have finally landed for good within a particular decade of pounds. I know in my head solidly, that I shall never return to a higher decade. There have been enough weigh-ins with female cycle swings, mood ups and downs, water-retention and mini chocolate, salt and bread binges to know that the number on the scale really means that number. Even after these little relapses, my body, when given the chance, and a day or two of water and better eating... returns to its new set point. That set point is where my body is now comfortable. I can rest there for awhile and maintain. The challenge over the summer (15 glorious weeks!) is to get to the next set point. I want to move out of this decade of pounds...down another 10 pounds, basically. I am learning to rest where I am. I am learning to be in the moment. During the rest of this week, there will be a wedding rehearsal and a wedding, a Saturday morning meeting, a 50th birthday party, a child's birthday and perhaps some other smaller social events...a whole lotta cake and carbs squeezed into a very small time period. I will survive it. Actually, I will do more than survive it. I will glory in it.

Day 19 Summer Countdown

Starting today...exactly fifteen weeks until the next school year, which means fifteen glorious weeks of summer, people, events, dinners out, finishing up the school year and exercise, exercise, exercise. I am amazingly refreshed by getting my head wrapped around a fixed date...a set number of days...a goal. I know I control nothing and no one. I know any control I exhibit is only a gift of grace. Ultimately, I control nothing...but I do so love to count...to think about what can be accomplished in fifteen sun-washed weeks...15 pounds?, 15 books read?, 15 good movies watched?, 15 cups of excellent coffee?, 1500 miles traveled?, 150 prayers offered up?, 15 kisses...more? The list is endless...and I feel happy. I walked 90 minutes today, kept my mouth shut when I should have (both with food and comments) and enjoyed sunshine. 15 glorious, sun-drenched, love growing, life affirming, ice cream melting, fresh fruit eating, pounds coming off weeks...delicious in every way.

Day 18 Gray Is Gruesome

Yet another gray May day...truly, one puzzles about the weather in upstate New York! And yet, daily life must go on. I am hanging in there at a 33 pound loss and I keep reminding myself of that fact. It really is amazing. I really do feel good...really...but I am bogged down by a little jab of PMS...the school year drags on and on...and I did not sleep well last night. I may go home after work and take a nap...no apologies, no repentance, no guilt trip, no backward glances. I have come a long way this year. A solid 33 pound loss is nothing to sneeze at, but it goes deeper than that. I am changing emotionally, spiritually and relationally. Those successes are harder to grasp, to comprehend, to make one's own...they are more ethereal...dainty and delicate and vulnerable. They require protection.

Notes of joy...shoes which did not fit before due to (dare I say it, fat!) now fit. It is somewhat humiliating to discover that even one's feet can get fat...I now claim several "new" pairs of summer shoes which I could not wear before...joy. My pants wardrobe is gradually expanding (not in the waist, thank you) because more things fit and it has been a long, long time since any pair wore out at the inner thigh area due to (dare I admit it, fat!)...more pants...joy in the morning. I have not been down, really down...(in my head, that is) for months...looking forward to each new day...joy in the morning...literally. Gray remains gruesome but hope is yellow and green.

Day 17 Monday Calm

By late last night, I was feeling desperate about the anticipated stresses and time constraints of the upcoming week. Then I had an unexpected and wonderful communication with a friend and I relaxed and the whole world fell into place. Now, I know that nothing has really changed but it is amazing how a little ray of sunshine causes the stress to drain away. Note to self...life is a continual battle to ferret out and utilize the little smudges of time on the sidewalk which color the day with joy and quietude.

An improved attitude, hope and anticipation...even a restrained sense of giddiness made me get serious in a new way about counting calories. Simply put, food does not mean as much when there are better or different options. Food is a drug of choice...an escape mechanism when life gets tough. It is so hard to remember that, in the middle of a difficult experience...reach for the drug of choice...learned behavior...bad solutions...a bag of chips might possibly save the world...that jar filled with 1,000 jelly beans is just begging to be one's temporary salvation...sugar ain't no satisfactory solution...walk away. Walk into better options. Walk into joy.

Day 16 Letting Go, Again!

A beautiful day with a wonderful improvement in the weather. I decided to declare a "non" day...too much interaction and human connection (mostly good, by the way) over the course of the past week. I broke the day down into 30 minute chunks...30 minutes of walking, 30 minutes of reading, 30 minutes of a film, 30 minutes of walking again...I let go of humanity's chaos and buzzing and in a small way, regained control of my own humanity.

I let go of multi-tasking in order to be able to regain my inner life. I let go of figuring everything out in order to be more fully a woman. I let God show me today, hour by hour how to be who I was really created to be...not what people, institutions, expectations and culture told me I was. There was no anxiety with this approach. It meant that my home was not perfectly cleaned. It meant that I did not do all the walking I was going to do today...but I was calm enough to do more than half of it...simply because my mind was not spinning. I took time to write notes to my nieces and nephew. I took time to take a phone call from a trust-worthy friend. I took time to bake cookies for a friend's mother...I did control my food and calories..but only because my mind was at peace. Another week begins and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I need to pray for mental and emotional protection from the negative people at work. I have to change and I change by distancing myself from those who will not or cannot change and I change by going forward in the manner and grace that I have learned is my vocation. It is not about counting every last blasted calorie...it is really about growing more and more into the person that I am meant to be. See the larger picture...discard the minutia unless it is sacred, profound and healing.

Day 15 Still Hanging On

Hanging in there at a 32 pound loss! I feel good because keeping the weight off is 90% of the battle. A great family day despite the chilly weather...note to self...family and companionship can circumvent the most disappointing weather.

Made a quick visit to the local pub to check in on my sister. Listened in on various conversations and heard desperation, loneliness, insecurity and bragging bravado! Happy to leave in quiet reflection, thankful for a mind at peace...food controlled today despite attending a local diner with home fries and eggs, and a local festival with fried dough...revived and ready for a good night's sleep.

Day 14 Friday Frolic

At last, the end of a very long and challenging week. I have been side-swiped by heavy carbs, run over by bad weather and wine, driven crazy by difficult people at work and depressed by answers as yet, unanswered. The week is done.

After work, I severed the difficult ties at work, got "the heck out of Dodge" and headed happily into the arms of family, minimal drama, support, complete acceptance and joy. My mother and I joined together in a make-over at Chanel. I treated my mother to dinner and we relished good and supportive conversation. My sister brought joy, humor and job-exhaustion to our conversation at a later time. Gifts were exchanged. Later, at home, I engaged in...a wonderful and encouraging telephone conversation with an encouraging friend. I indulged at a late hour in slices of wheat bread and half a left-over oatmeal cookie from GEVA theater...I do not care...life was lived and was lived well today...tomorrow I shall climb back on to the scale and thank God that I have the use of my legs and my mind. I shall thank God that I am spending the day with family at the local lilac festival. I shall thank God that the weather is better and that I can smell, see, taste, touch, and hear the cacophony of lilacs, food, sun, family, exercise and...happiness. Food is a smaller part of this experience called living than I ever thought possible...for too many years, I have given it too much power...frolic in the lilacs and let go...how much of being alive is wanting to be alive?...food for thought...

Day 13 Sick And Tired, But Not Really Sick...Just Tired

Another long week is almost over. It has been an extended time of gray, dank and damp weather, a little teaser of sunshine with more cold and strong breezes...got to find a way to not let the weather have such an effect on my eating, my mood and my overall view. I am sitting here on this rather blah afternoon and I know that the best thing I can do right now is to take a nap. In fact, that is what I am going to do right now...back later...zzzzz!

Okay...I'm back...having slept for almost four hours...I guess I needed it. The weather has been so cold that I have moved back into a hibernation mode...dangerous mentally, because I am not prepared for it. Look at the food I ate this afternoon...chocolates, wine and thick slices of wheat bread with garlic humus...all comfort food...food that makes me want to hide away under the covers and let the world go by. Sigh.

Drank a lot of water to flush things out...spent some time "talking myself down"...took a hot bath...wrote out a fresh list of exercises I want to try...headed back into bed...day is done...giving it a solid B.

Day 12 Relinquishing Control

In order to give up control, I have to make a list. Yes, I understand the irony in that statement. I have to make a list of all the things that I am no longer going to try to control! I cannot control anyone, or anything for that matter. Any "control" that I seem to have is a simple gift of grace linked with a delicate strand of expectation. Yes, expectation because I have been given an opportunity at a particular point in time to do something that is good, healthy, edifying, beautiful, helpful and in someway, blessed and established...in this world and in the next. Even if I do not see the results this side of Heaven, I know I am to act on the grace that has been granted me. I know I need to do something with the opportunity.

I am at a point in my life right now where I have all the opportunity I need to finally be successful at weight loss. I have stripped my schedule to the bare minimum, so I have no excuse not to exercise. I have severed ties (or at least placed strict boundaries around) people who drag me down. I have searched my heart and brain for places which need healing. I am learning patience, and shall learn this until the day I die. I am listening more and talking less. I am doing more (about weight loss) and talking less about it. I am fasting weekly and finding it amazingly satisfying.

I used to set impossible goals for myself and found myself all wrapped up in the minutia...losing sight of the bigger picture...and thus, inevitably failing. Those days of minutia are slowly fading...thank God. There will be days when I eat my way through an entire bag of nachos...but those days have become fewer and farther between...by letting go, I am regaining the control I always sought. There may even come a day when I no longer live with a list in one hand and a pen in another...and yet...

Day 11 Blah With Hope

Blah. The weather is terrible...really cold, gray and rainy for May...for Heaven's sake, warm up already. Starting a liquid fast again...it works wonders for me, serving the purpose of bringing bad thinking, bad habits and bad eating under control. Apparently, I need to do this on a weekly basis. Blah.

Day 10 Thinking Myself Into A Razzle Frazzle

Thought way too much today. Overthought a number of situations and succeeded in making myself neurotic and nuts by the end of the day. I used to talk myself down from overthinking by eating. Now I walk or talk to my Mother. I have grown to trust my Mother in new ways...ways I never thought I would. I believe this might be called maturity mixed in with a little humility. Yes, it took me some time! The paralysis of analysis...drop it and stop it. Trying to figure everything out...let it go and let it evolve. Trying to control everyone and every circumstance...learn to live a little more "seat of the pants"...and by the way, those pants will be getting smaller and smaller as you walk and talk and don't eat...

Day 9 Mother's Day

A beautiful day indeed. We started to celebrate Mother's Day by eating our desserts first! I had three little desserts and a cup of black coffee. I realize that really sugary desserts leave me feeling slightly ill. I am having a less and less difficult time resisting sugar. This a gift to me.

We enjoyed a lovely dinner at a local restaurant. I have become comfortable with keeping mental track of how much I am eating and what I am eating. Another gift to me.

I enjoyed the afternoon with the family. My family is a gift to me and surpasses any and all kinds of food, sweets or any other kind of substance which I could possibly abuse. Knowing this is a gift to me.

I have a wonderful Mother. She is not perfect. I have learned to allow her to be herself and I will no longer try to change her. She has learned and is learning to allow me to be me and is not trying to change me. We have a balanced relationship and a kind, well-intentioned and healthy one. I have learned to not blame her for the food I put into my mouth. I alone am responsible for my actions. I love my Mother. Happy Mother's Day Mom...thanks for all good years and for all the good years yet to come!

Day 8 Wind-Whipping Wasteland

Yikes...winds up to sixty miles an hour today. I wrapped up my head and upper body in a large scarf and headed out into the wind to get in an hour walk. Walking is my emotional salvation. Even on my most exhausted days, after 20 minutes of walking my thoughts are clear and the blood is flowing in the right direction. It is amazing to me that a brief 20 minutes in time is all that it takes to settle things down. What kinds of things get settled? Well, my thoughts line up, my blood feels thinner and cleaner (if that is at all possible), my skin seems to breathe more deeply and any anxiety filled emotions have the edges filed down...softened.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and another round of delicious food offerings begins. I am in charge of bringing desserts...mini cheesecakes, Italian cookies, rum torte and mocha tortes...ah yes, and then a dinner out at the Glen Iris...a favorite family hangout. I shall take a Sabbath rest since it is Sunday and I will rest from exercise. As far as food goes, I plan to slice the desserts into smaller pieces so that I can enjoy a mini taste of everything without losing control. I will focus on the enjoyment of family and fellowship and the food, but in a balanced manner.

As to the weather?...we might see a few snowflakes in the morning, but I shall not despair for bad weather at this point of the year is not leading us into the depths of winter but rather into glorious Spring...just a temporary glitch along the journey...never an excuse to indulge.

Day 7 End Of The Work Week Drawing Nigh

Hooray for blessed Friday. I do not want to live my life wishing for the weekend...and yet there is still some kind of magic as the day rolls around. I complete my liquid fast at 7:15 and it has been worth it. My personal issues were resolved in a beautiful and positive way. My head and thoughts are clear and pristine. I am tired and looking forward to a comfortable dinner with my sister...then a delicious sleep...well deserved, I might add. There are so many lessons which come with fasting but the thing that keeps sticking in my mind is how little food I actually need to live...the amount of food we eat in this country becomes more and more obscene...out of balance.

Later...enjoyed a delicious meal...one small greek salad, one drink and 25 bites from a very large chinese/rice/vegetable platter...they were small bites and they were yummy! But I chewed slowly and savored each bite. I listened to my body and stopped eating. I got the food boxed and took it home to enjoy another day. A peaceful end to the week. Both stomach and mind are satisfied, comfortable, peaceful...even happy.

Day 6 A Quiet Patience And Resolve

Seventeen hours into the fast and I notice a remarkable difference. Everything about me and my person has slowed down. That would make sense, of course, since my calories are limited and I am living on liquids. However, there is a change inside my head as well. I am more at peace. I am more patient. I am more willing to empathize with a grieving friend. I am quieter in my spirit. I am more resolved to see a couple of personal concerns brought to positive resolution. It is good to let the body rest. Even my jaw can rest...no chewing for a time period must feel wonderful to teeth and muscles...how refreshing!

Twenty-six hours into the fast...had a cry, walked in the cold wind for an hour, had an excellent phone conversation with a close friend, made a decision and acted on it...felt nervous but good at the same time...nervous, good, nervous, good...need to head for the bathtub...maybe need another good cry...fasting, like massage...sometimes releases pent up emotions...things that need to be let go of...including hanging on to bad food habits...

Day 5 Cinco De Mayo Mayhem!

A beautiful day...a day of sunshine and then rain and celebration and all good things. In the midst of all the good chaos...I remained in control. At work, there was a Cinco de Mayo celebration and after attempting to resist a plate of food being gently pushed at me by one of the classroom Grandmothers...I realized that I could not. I could not because it is culturally insensitive to turn away home cooked food at a celebration such as this one. I ate one plate slowly and carefully. I stayed away from the flan and glasses of soda. Victory #1. After work, I attended a wedding shower and faced a table of appetizers, punch and desserts. I ate a little bit of everything...no punch...and enjoyed good conversation. Victory #2. I had an unsweetened iced coffee to get a quick boost. In my bag, I placed a collection of snacks given to me this week by various friends at work...a large cookie, a bag of kisses, a snickers bar and a bag of peanut M & M's...I ate ONLY the cookie on the drive home. Victory #3. I stopped at the grocery store and purchased and ate ONLY one piece of pizza. Victory #4. I got home and walked 2 hours in the rain. Victory #5.

After the walk, I made a decision to begin a 48 hour fast. I believe in the power of fasting. It is a spiritual exercise which always leads to answers. There are also profound physical benefits. The negative cycle of sugar, salt, sugar, salt breaks with a fast. I have some personal issues which I believe this fast will help resolve. I look forward to cleansing my body. I will be taking in calories...thinned liquid calories...but it is a fast nevertheless and it seems a perfect way to celebrate in a different way...after Cinco de Mayo chaos, I am looking for anxiety free May 6 and May 7! Ole!!

Day 4 Life Inside My Head

Lost myself this evening in a 2 hour walk. It was truly wonderful. All my senses were alive and kicking. I treaded lightly and joyfully through piles of bright pink apple blossoms strewn all over the gray sidewalks. I felt the air shift from heated and tired...heavy from the day's use, to cooler and steady as the night settled in. Darkening slowly and softly, the sky drifted into moonlight and hovered gently in a freshful resting place...my mind finally let go of the day's stresses and strains. The lengthy walk shook all the day's dreck loose.

The bulk of our lives is lived inside our heads...a crazy thought if one thinks about how crowded it is in there. There are so many voices competing daily for one's attention...and that raises the stress level. Attempts to practice patience derail as the noise level rises. God save us all from the culture clamor.

I will never (so help me) read another diet book or look at another magazine article about quick weight loss for the summer swimsuit season or listen to another distraught person on a talk show go on and on about their weight issues. Books, articles and obviously people with their opinions all have their rightful place...but my head is full to bursting and I want to be more picky about what gets stuffed in there. I can't walk 2 hours everyday...even though I would love to. Two hours is apparently what it takes to clear this head of mine. Do not disturb, please.

Day 3 Slumber And Smiles

I slept a few hours in my family home...arose early and was on the road at 6:10 am...for a 90 minute drive back to my apartment and another day of work. The day flowed smoothly but by mid-afternoon, I had absorbed the usual bumps and jostles of the work day...a jealous work-mate, a few snide comments, a muggy feel to the building, the usual student-anxious pre-teen insults and shoves...loud voices and tramping feet, interaction with the fire marshall...an overly bright sun around 3:30 on the sidewalk by the bus loop, and I felt myself slipping into exhaustion. I went straight home and did the best thing I could have done...I crawled into bed. I slept more than 3 hours...apparently, I needed that!

Sleep is defined as a period of rest for the body and mind, during which volition and consciousness are in partial or complete abeyance and the bodily functions partially suspended...(exactly, I say)...and a time for me when I do not think or worry about food, eating, weight or body image.

From the poet Mark Raymond Slaughter..."Oh free me please with gentle ease from work, sleep, work, sleep, work! This odium, pounding tedium of my work, sleep, work, sleep, work..." and I would add to that...free me from the pressure of food, eating, weight, body image...food, eating, weight, body image...drift off.

Day 2 Virtue Attempted

I read a great quote from the author C.S. Lewis..."Virtue-even virtue attempted, brings light: indulgence brings fog"...that resonates strongly with my emotions toward food. When I fast, (and not only for virtue's sake)...everything is clearer for me. My emotions shake off dusty and twisted thinking. My body sheds "stuff" including negative cell memory...backed up and un-processed feelings, old wounds and hurts, fears and anxieties...I have extra and intense energy to plough through another day of life. I just feel more "on my game".

Indulgence...well, that is quite another story. When I overeat, it is as if I have been given a dose of ether. I am "bottom heavy" with the inner walls of my being pressing out in discomfort. My head hurts. My skin is more sensitive. Most importantly, my emotions, the insides of my head are fuzzy and sad. It is similar to having a heavy anchor attached to my body...inter-twisting the chain up and around my spine...yanking at my mind like a raw kite string. Indulgence not only brings fog, it cripples me.

So many circumstances now work in my favor...the weather is beautiful, I have a lot of extra time, it is lighter much later into the evening and new friendships bring hope to my heart. But there is always a sense of lingering...the fear that I can lose it again and slide back into indulgence...just today, for another hour, for another day...I resist the fog and embrace virtue.

Day 1 May...And They're Off!

A new month and I find myself re-focused and well rested...got a massage and my nails done...walked an hour and a half...the longer I walked, the better I felt. My feet were sore, but my head was clear and free. The air, incredibly clean while at the same time, laden with a heavy purple lilac scent blew my hair everywhere and cleared my skin. Everywhere I walked, blossoms strewn over sidewalks, steps, bushes and car tops...announced Spring, queen fresh herself, with gentle force... and I am new all over.

Quoting Ms. Evaleen Stein..."Peach-buds to meet thee, robins to greet thee, hey, little sweetheart and May morning, hey! Sunbeam and sing time, bluebird and wing time, this time is kiss time for sweethearts, I say!"

I have met peach-buds and robins today and their freshness whirls from the inside top of my head to the soles of my feet. I ate very little today. My other senses, engaged in a heightened fashion, kept hunger away. I delighted in observing a sleeping 10 month old toddler have her baby toes painted bright pink by her Mother. Such careful detail so delicately distributed on such dainty, immaculately tiny toenails...paying atention to beautiful detail is so much more rewarding than stuffing one's face...a gentle sleeping baby and the care of a mother trumps old dingy habits, bad behaviors and desires. On a gorgeous fresh May Day, self-indulgence fades.