Fear, Fast Food, Sunshine and Hormones

Weighed down this evening under a pile of emotions...I knew I would experience days such as these when I started this blog and as much as I hate failure, I know that writing about these ups and downs is what brings healing. I fear being rejected by a man I like. I fear being pursued by a man I am not interested in. I am disappointed because a man, who has expressed a lot of interest in me has been silent for several days. It makes me nervous, sad, fearful and...I eat. As I indulged in a McDouble, a small fries, an Abbots's cherry shake, a piece of chicken cheese pizza and several glasses of wine...I remembered that I did the same thing a number of years ago when a bumpy relationship I had with a man, ended for good. At that point, I had lost a lot of weight and felt and looked excellent. And still the man would not be faithful...so I rationalized (in my deep soul core) that it did not matter and over time, went back to old habits and regained the weight. I will not (with God's help) do that again. No person is worth it. I must do this for me...not to catch the eye of someone.

The weather was superb this afternoon. I visited my back doctor this afternoon and ran into an old male friend...spent a good amount of time talking to him. It was so nice to be appreciated by a good man (who also struggles with weight!). We stood in the blessed sunshine for a good half hour. Positive happy!

I recognized a number of hormonal symptoms this afternoon...the change in facial skin, extreme exhaustion, cravings for junk food, wanting to remove myself from everything and everybody...even the sunshine could not fix this. I have come home for the evening. I am planted in front of the TV. I am not going to walk today. I am too tired. I am too tired because I ate junk food. I ate junk food because I fear being rejected and because of PMS. I fear being rejected because I am not my ideal weight. I am not my ideal weight because of these dips in the road due to PMS. The cycle is frightening! So I am going to bed early. I will start over tomorrow. I need milestones. My birthday is on Sunday. I have three days to get myself re-balanced. I know that there will be a surge of a fresh start on my birthday.