Day 3 Against the World

I just read an excellent quote from Willa Cather's (My Antonia). "These boys had no practised manner behind which they could retreat and hold people at a distance. They had only their hard fists to batter at the world with". Sometimes I feel that I am in attack mode...coming at the world with a pair of fists. The stresses of the job, the emotional ups and downs of various relationships all combine during the middle of the week and make me feel vulnerable. They make me want to strike out or crawl back into an emotional cave and hide. With that hiding and withdrawal often comes overeating.

I don't want to spend today battering at the world. I want to retreat and hold people at a distance but in a healthier way than previous times. I need a practised manner which allows me to have a sense of self-preservation. I want a sense of self which does not crumble once I am alone. The true test of someone's determination and character is when he or she is alone. Who am I when no one is looking? Do I preach exercise and vitamins when I am with friends and then collapse into a bag of chips and a bag of Hershey kisses when I get home? I may very well be tempted on a daily basis, but what do I do with that temptation? The problem is not the temptation, but rather in the capitulation.

I have some very discouraged friends right now and I want to support them. I have been there. I am still there only I am better than I was a few months ago. I have felt that despair of thinking, "I shall never lose weight. I shall never get back into those jeans. I shall never feel light and nimble again. I shall never be able to manage food with all the social connections and pressures. I shall never be comfortable with my body". At one's core, weight is not the real issue. I know some very skinny people who are terribly upset and insecure about their bodies. Thinking these things through at a deeper level is a healing place to begin. It has never been about the calories. We strive against the world with a calorie counter book, a bottle of water and inner clarity.